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Original poster

Ex colleague contacting lots..feeling awkward!

14 replies

total360 · 22/05/2025 17:59

I’ve worked in my job about 4.5 years. Last year a lady 20+ years my senior started and we got on pretty well. We spoke a lot about her upcoming wedding and she had a grandchild the same age as my child so we bonded over that too. She was a little too chatty though and didn’t do very well at the job, her probation was extended and then unfortunately she didn’t pass and was let go.
Around this time we also dealt with a problem colleague who later took the company to an employment tribunal. At the time my colleague and I were dealing with a huge workload and had cried to each other a couple of times, it was a difficult time but in total we worked together about 5 months.

Anyway, after she left we kept saying we’d meet for a coffee but time sort of ran away and we were both busy. Part of me was a little relieved when she left work as I was able to concentrate again if I’m totally honest. After 6 months of her leaving she messaged me and asked for my address, I wasn’t sure why at first but it turned out it was a wedding invitation. I was quite shocked as I know she had said about us all coming to her wedding (the whole team) when she worked there but when she left I hadn’t expected her to invite anyone as she only worked with us for a few months. I wasn’t able to attend the wedding as it was a 2 hour drive away and my DH wasn’t keen on coming as he wouldn’t know anyone including the bride, and I wouldnt know anyone but the bride, so it felt like she was being nice with the invitation but she wouldn’t expect me to come type thing..

I messaged her a week or 2 before and said very sorry but I can’t attend it’s just too far for us with the kids being so young at the moment (youngest is 1) but I’m sure she wont even notice me not there and I hope she has a wonderful day…and I got a blunt response to say “that’s fine”.

A week or 2 later she messaged saying “I miss you”. And I responded to say “how was your wedding hope you had an amazing time!” Her reply was “it was lovely, I wish you could have been there”.

I might be overreacting but I feel this is all a lot for an ex-colleague I worked with for a few months. Maybe I am mean but I’ve worked with hundreds of people over the years and it’s generally only people I work with for years that I would keep in touch with. I feel she has invested in the relationship more than I have. I haven’t seen her for nearly a year and now I’ve just received an invite to her birthday bbq on Facebook.

Am I being harsh here?

OP posts:
category12 · 22/05/2025 18:10

It was really rude of you to rsvp only a week or so before the wedding - numbers are important for that sort of event. You should have said no as soon as possible as you knew you didn't want to go. I'm not surprised you got a short answer.

Original poster
total360 · 22/05/2025 18:12

It was an evening only invite. I had messaged her initially when I for the invitation to say i hoped to come.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/05/2025 18:21

total360 · 22/05/2025 18:12

It was an evening only invite. I had messaged her initially when I for the invitation to say i hoped to come.

Ok so maybe less important for numbers, but it was poor to get her hopes up with your initial response. You should have just said "it's too far for us sorry" from the start.

She's hoping it's a real friendship you developed, she's not done anything wrong. Just blow her off if you're not interested, don't fudge it so much.

waterrat · 22/05/2025 18:23

I'm not sure she is being that over the top, she hasn't tried to see you again? just friendly comment 'wish you were there' type thing?

work colleagues as evening guests is very normal - some people are social and go to say hi and be friendly.

Original poster
total360 · 22/05/2025 18:26

I guess I didn’t consider that I was “getting her hopes up”, I was sure she would be thinking about a million other things and other people that day, that surely the person she worked with (and never saw since or once out of work) would not be even an after thought. I guess I am feeling a little uneasy that she is thinking of me still..

OP posts:
RelapsedChocoholic · 22/05/2025 18:27

So you basically said you were coming, then changed your mind a week or two before the wedding? That was rude.

When you worked together -she was new, and her probation had been extended, but she was expected to support the same huge workload as someone who’s been there 4.5 years, you cried together about work more than once, and one of the other people there at the same time ended up taking your employer to a tribunal?
That sounds like a pretty bad place to work!
I’m not surprised she thought you were her trauma bonded friend!

You’re not unreasonable to not want to be friends, but you are being pretty unreasonable to think she’s being weird in reaching out to you

category12 · 22/05/2025 18:39

total360 · 22/05/2025 18:26

I guess I didn’t consider that I was “getting her hopes up”, I was sure she would be thinking about a million other things and other people that day, that surely the person she worked with (and never saw since or once out of work) would not be even an after thought. I guess I am feeling a little uneasy that she is thinking of me still..

She probably was thinking about a million other things, but it's disappointing when people drop out at a late stage, when you're hoping your do will be well-attended.

It's not like she's stalking you. She asked you to the evening do. She said somethings you can take as keen or as platitudes. She's asked you to her birthday bbq.

Just say you're not available. Don't pretend you're thinking about going and then pull out late. 🙄

SunDash · 22/05/2025 19:14

You don't owe her your attention or time, and you re not fussed about being chums.
Why just just ignore her?

Original poster
total360 · 22/05/2025 19:26

No she’s not stalking me you’re right. I will make an excuse for the bbq and leave it there.
I am just hoping she will take the hint, I have a feeling she will persist in asking to meet up and I will then be in the awkward position of having to tell her I don’t want to meet. In which case how do I do that without being a cow?

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 22/05/2025 19:27

Hmm, yeah it's overkill

I'm currently going through something similar with a colleague - we've become friends but now she wants to teams chat ALL the time( actually phone calls!) about all her personal issues - I feel like I've given her an inch and she's taken a royal mile

Simplestars · 22/05/2025 19:33

I think you were thoughtless about pulling out.
It does have an affect.
She is not stalking you. She considers values and respects you as a friend.
Be kind.

MsCactus · 22/05/2025 19:51

With my wedding, late cancellations were annoying as I couldn't invite other people I wanted there in their place - so I can completely understand why she might be annoyed.

As for the BBQ, I don't think she's invited you to loads of things, think you're over reacting tbh. Just make an excuse if you don't want to go

GoodCharl · 23/05/2025 13:08

Stop replying so quickly/getting in touch with her. It will soon fizzle out

MyDadWasAnArse · 05/08/2025 09:05

It's still bothering you it appears@total360? What's happened recently to resurrect this?

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