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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice needed

25 replies

IWTT · 22/05/2025 17:16

I think I’m in an abusive relationship not physical but emotional. It’s a really hard situation to write out but I’m constantly at the receiving end of any mishap that happens in his life. It’s even got to the point now that when he’s in a mood and goes to work I flinch eveytime my phone goes off in case it’s him with an abusive message. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells. I do my at most best not to piss him off or upset him but sometimes it does not work. Yesterday he slept late for work and blamed me then rang me 20 mins later to tell me he must of set his alarm to the wrong time because it had just gone off but there was no apology it was kind of brushed under the carpet. Today he came home from work had a shower I could here him in the shower muttering “look at the state of this shower “ etc (baring in mind myself , him and his teenage child lives here) then he went upstairs and I could hear him saying that his clothes wasn’t ironed etc and he hates creased clothes etc ( I do the washing and drying but I hang clothes on hangers or fold them up for them to put away and sometimes they are just thrown in the spare bedroom by him) then he said look at the state of the carpet it’s only 9 months old ( we have pet dogs ) so he was trying to blame them but I have seen both him and his teenage child walking up the stairs with dirty shoes on. I have to be honest I love him but I feel as if nothing will ever change it’s been like this since I’ve met him and now it’s really starting to get me down. I work full time some in an office and some from home , I work really hard. When all that just happened I burst into tears he then says “aww where we go can’t even speak to you because you start crying etc” and “it’s always a women’s defence to cry” … I’m such a laid back person I hate any confrontation and arguing as when I grew up my parents used to argue and it’s like a trigger for me but part of me thinks that if I did stand up for myself maybe it wouldn’t be this way I feel like I’m a bit of a punch bag and when things are shit I get hit with it all and then when it’s over it just has to be forgotten without even an apology. Sometimes I think maybe it’s me that’s the issue and I question everything I do , I know I’m a nice person and I will do anything for anyone without even thinking about it and I’ll even go without to help others but nothing I do is ever appreciated. I feel so lost I’m in my 30’s all my friends have lovely partners and families and then I’m putting up with this crap every few weeks. I just wanted someone to speak too about it I don’t like to bother family or friends and worry them about my situation and I can’t really afford counselling. Any advice or any similar experiences and how you coped or managed would be highly appreciated. Thank you for reading will look forward to any response I receive

OP posts:
CleanShirt · 22/05/2025 17:23

When I was in an abusive relationship like this I left him. Run far, far away. He will not change and he will only bring you further down with him.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 22/05/2025 17:23

He doesn't seem to like you very much and sees housework as "women's work". I assume you take care of his child's needs as well.

You must lack self esteem because you say you love someone who does nothing but criticise and belittle you. He doesn't respect you.

Start planning how to leave.

ButteryLightHouse · 22/05/2025 17:28

You are in an abusive relationship. Are you married to him? What's your housing situation? Owned, or rented and in whose name? Are you financially independent?

You need to make plans to leave. You deserve better

NeuroSpicyCat · 22/05/2025 17:38

I could here him in the shower muttering “look at the state of this shower “ etc

Was this directed at you? Have you been allocated the shower cleaning?

IWTT · 22/05/2025 20:29

Thank you , I know deep down this is what I need to do! Thanks for your response ❤️

OP posts:
IWTT · 22/05/2025 20:30

CleanShirt · 22/05/2025 17:23

When I was in an abusive relationship like this I left him. Run far, far away. He will not change and he will only bring you further down with him.

Thank you , I know deep down this is what I need to do thanks for your response ❤️

OP posts:
IWTT · 22/05/2025 20:34

MiloMinderbinder925 · 22/05/2025 17:23

He doesn't seem to like you very much and sees housework as "women's work". I assume you take care of his child's needs as well.

You must lack self esteem because you say you love someone who does nothing but criticise and belittle you. He doesn't respect you.

Start planning how to leave.

I do most of the house work due to being home so much I remember a comment being made during lock down that I’m here 24/7 and the house is still a mess so ever since that I’ve done my best to do tasks throughout the day during my breaks etc. But nothing is ever good enough anyway. I appreciate your response. And will take on board what you have said. ❤️

OP posts:
IWTT · 22/05/2025 20:36

ButteryLightHouse · 22/05/2025 17:28

You are in an abusive relationship. Are you married to him? What's your housing situation? Owned, or rented and in whose name? Are you financially independent?

You need to make plans to leave. You deserve better

Not married , rented both names and I work full time but due to commitments loans, car etc I wouldn’t say I would be able to just up and leave it would have to be planned so could take some time but it something that is achievable and I would even be willing to get a second job to help too. Thanks for your response. ❤️

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 22/05/2025 20:38

You are WORKING FROM HOME. Housework is not what your employer is paying you for.
Do you have kids with this man? Do you own the home jointly? Renting?

IWTT · 22/05/2025 20:42

NeuroSpicyCat · 22/05/2025 17:38

I could here him in the shower muttering “look at the state of this shower “ etc

Was this directed at you? Have you been allocated the shower cleaning?

it was said loud enough for me to hear so I would say it was directed at me even the ironing of the clothes was said loud enough from upstairs for me to hear. I checked the ring door bell when he left and he was even muttering on there knowing it would give me a notification on my phone.

no not been allocated the shower cleaning it’s just standard that you wash it down after yourself which is what I always do. May sound stupid but it makes me not want to use the shower I’ll use the bath and then I can’t get blamed for the shower not being up to standards.

i feel like I’m constantly on edge because something at some point will be my fault even if it has nothing to do with me. Thanks for your response ❤️

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 22/05/2025 21:56

In a good relationship we don't have to stand up for ourselves. You dont deserve to be living like this. He's a self centered creep and won't change.

Leave as soon as you can. Is there anyone you can stay with short-term?

AnonymouseDad · 22/05/2025 23:06

Your supposed to be a team. If he doesnt see that and blames you for everything thats not good.
I hate the "its a women's defence to cry". What he should be doing is comforting you and figuring out how to make you smile.

My wife is amazing mostly. But I do the same as you during arguments. I stay quiet. The louder she gets the stiller and quieter I get.
In my head I've got what I want to say but it never came out. Same sort of childhood too which I do think did it. Strange thing is, anyone else I'm happy to argue back. I work with some of the biggest egos on the planet and often have to argue my point and in those I always win the argument.
But I cant ever do the same at home.

We recently had a big personal crisis and ended up talking a lot about things. She said how frustrating it is that I dont argue back so now im trying to.
But then she would never talk to me as he does to you.
If you can talk to him and explain safely that your at the point of leaving if there isn't respect then do that. Otherwise I think you should leave for your own sanity.

IWTT · 24/05/2025 16:00

TipsyJoker · 22/05/2025 21:42

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

you are being abused. Please contact women’s aid for advice and support to make an exit plan.Read the book I’ve linked

Thank you I have started reading x

OP posts:
IWTT · 24/05/2025 16:09

AnonymouseDad · 22/05/2025 23:06

Your supposed to be a team. If he doesnt see that and blames you for everything thats not good.
I hate the "its a women's defence to cry". What he should be doing is comforting you and figuring out how to make you smile.

My wife is amazing mostly. But I do the same as you during arguments. I stay quiet. The louder she gets the stiller and quieter I get.
In my head I've got what I want to say but it never came out. Same sort of childhood too which I do think did it. Strange thing is, anyone else I'm happy to argue back. I work with some of the biggest egos on the planet and often have to argue my point and in those I always win the argument.
But I cant ever do the same at home.

We recently had a big personal crisis and ended up talking a lot about things. She said how frustrating it is that I dont argue back so now im trying to.
But then she would never talk to me as he does to you.
If you can talk to him and explain safely that your at the point of leaving if there isn't respect then do that. Otherwise I think you should leave for your own sanity.

I wouldn’t be able to say I was thinking of leaving because he knows that I would be screwed for somewhere to stay and he would more than likely tell me to leave there and then and as much as I would like too I have pets which I love dearly and I know he wouldn’t let me keep them here until I was sorted and I wouldn’t want to give them away as they are all I have.

after this the other night he came home and kept asking me why I was grumpy and distance due to it being late in the evening and trying to avoid another row I just told him I was tired and I wasn’t being distance etc. I feel like it’s mind games. I went up to bed earlier than him and he came up and said don’t be like that with me after what I said I earlier to which I replied I wasn’t being like anything ( I’d love to be like that but haven’t got the balls). He kept telling me he love me etc which I just kind of dismissed.

i appreciate your comment , I’m going to plan to leave at some point not sure when or how but I can work on that. Have a lovely weekend

OP posts:
IWTT · 24/05/2025 16:10

Itiswhysofew · 22/05/2025 21:56

In a good relationship we don't have to stand up for ourselves. You dont deserve to be living like this. He's a self centered creep and won't change.

Leave as soon as you can. Is there anyone you can stay with short-term?

no not really and I have pets and they are all I have and I wouldn’t be able to leave them here etc … I will think of a plan to move on.
Thanks for your comment. ❤️

OP posts:
iliketheradio · 24/05/2025 16:21

Reading this made me feel really sad as it reminds me of some of the behaviour exhibited by my father towards my mother when I was growing up. She eventually left him but wasted 20+ of her prime years on him and is now in her 70s with PTSD and health conditions that I believe are in some part related to years of stress. Please make a plan to leave. Call Women's Aid but make sure you do this all covertly so he doesn't find out. I know that you now feel like you love him but he does not love you. His behaviour may get more extreme but please make sure you are not around to find out. Good luck and keep us updated x

anareen · 24/05/2025 16:25

You are in an abusive relationship. I am so sorry you are going through this.

There is nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome. This isn't on you.
I hope you can find the strength to leave.

AnonymouseDad · 24/05/2025 17:04

IWTT · 24/05/2025 16:09

I wouldn’t be able to say I was thinking of leaving because he knows that I would be screwed for somewhere to stay and he would more than likely tell me to leave there and then and as much as I would like too I have pets which I love dearly and I know he wouldn’t let me keep them here until I was sorted and I wouldn’t want to give them away as they are all I have.

after this the other night he came home and kept asking me why I was grumpy and distance due to it being late in the evening and trying to avoid another row I just told him I was tired and I wasn’t being distance etc. I feel like it’s mind games. I went up to bed earlier than him and he came up and said don’t be like that with me after what I said I earlier to which I replied I wasn’t being like anything ( I’d love to be like that but haven’t got the balls). He kept telling me he love me etc which I just kind of dismissed.

i appreciate your comment , I’m going to plan to leave at some point not sure when or how but I can work on that. Have a lovely weekend

I've said "I wasn't being like anything" many times.

Now its come to a head. I feel better able to communicate effectively.

Luckily I am in a situation where either of us could afford to move out. It wasn't always that way though. A few years back I had the thought that I'd be sofa surfing or staying at my mums for awhile if we ended so I know that feeling well.

Stay safe. Put yourself first. And be proud of who you are.

IWTT · 24/05/2025 17:16

AnonymouseDad · 24/05/2025 17:04

I've said "I wasn't being like anything" many times.

Now its come to a head. I feel better able to communicate effectively.

Luckily I am in a situation where either of us could afford to move out. It wasn't always that way though. A few years back I had the thought that I'd be sofa surfing or staying at my mums for awhile if we ended so I know that feeling well.

Stay safe. Put yourself first. And be proud of who you are.

thank you soo much for your kindness I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Gerwurtztraminer · 24/05/2025 17:21

What type of pets do you have? If they are cats, Cats Protection offer temporary fostering for people leaving domestic abuse and Dogs Trust do so for dogs. Give them a call and find out what that might involve. Anything smaller like rabbits, some friends might be prepared ot take them for a while?
Freedom - Helping dog owners find freedom from domestic abuse
Lifeline | Cats Protection

That then means you could look at a house share for a while, which might be more financially doable whilst you save up for a place of your own.

You are in your 30's. So young, it should be a time of fun. Please start making hard plans to leave. Are there any friends you can talk to? Does your work have an Employee Assistant programme? And PLEASE call Women's Aid.

Lifeline | Cats Protection

Lifeline (formerly Paws Protect) is Cats Protection's specialist cat fostering service for those fleeing domestic abuse. Our network of cat fosterers provides temporary, loving home for cats.

https://www.cats.org.uk/what-we-do/cp-lifeline

IWTT · 25/05/2025 10:58

iliketheradio · 24/05/2025 16:21

Reading this made me feel really sad as it reminds me of some of the behaviour exhibited by my father towards my mother when I was growing up. She eventually left him but wasted 20+ of her prime years on him and is now in her 70s with PTSD and health conditions that I believe are in some part related to years of stress. Please make a plan to leave. Call Women's Aid but make sure you do this all covertly so he doesn't find out. I know that you now feel like you love him but he does not love you. His behaviour may get more extreme but please make sure you are not around to find out. Good luck and keep us updated x

thank you for your response… I’m so glad I posted not because I’m being abused but because for years I’ve been in denial that I was the issue but as time as gone on I kept thinking it can’t be me. I’m glad I’ve had clarification for myself. It won’t be an easy fix as I stated I’m not financially stable but it’s something that can be worked on. I just keep my head down and thoughts to myself and just handle anything thrown at me. I appreciate your comment and I will keep you updated. Thanks have a lovely weekend.. sending love to your mum x x

OP posts:
IWTT · 25/05/2025 11:02

Gerwurtztraminer · 24/05/2025 17:21

What type of pets do you have? If they are cats, Cats Protection offer temporary fostering for people leaving domestic abuse and Dogs Trust do so for dogs. Give them a call and find out what that might involve. Anything smaller like rabbits, some friends might be prepared ot take them for a while?
Freedom - Helping dog owners find freedom from domestic abuse
Lifeline | Cats Protection

That then means you could look at a house share for a while, which might be more financially doable whilst you save up for a place of your own.

You are in your 30's. So young, it should be a time of fun. Please start making hard plans to leave. Are there any friends you can talk to? Does your work have an Employee Assistant programme? And PLEASE call Women's Aid.

I have a dog and cat…I will look into this though thank you.

i dont really want to burden friends with my issues they all have their own stuff going on so im abit stuck , i knew I needed to speak to someone about it so i googled what I could do and it brought me here.

i will look into whether we have a employee assistance programme as this would be beneficial for me. Thanks for your response I appreciate it. Have a lovely weekend x

OP posts:
AnonymouseDad · 25/05/2025 19:43

IWTT · 25/05/2025 11:02

I have a dog and cat…I will look into this though thank you.

i dont really want to burden friends with my issues they all have their own stuff going on so im abit stuck , i knew I needed to speak to someone about it so i googled what I could do and it brought me here.

i will look into whether we have a employee assistance programme as this would be beneficial for me. Thanks for your response I appreciate it. Have a lovely weekend x

Friends aren't just there for the good times.

Ive got a few who remind me of that just as I've done for them.

If you were my friend even with everything I've got going on I would work to help you. I'd also feel awful if you didnt think you could share your burden. I bet your friends feel the same.

BellissimoGecko · 25/05/2025 19:47

You leave. That’s how you cope.

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