Mental load

[Functioningdisaster]

I’m a planner by nature. I work full-time and have two primary school-aged children. What works for me—what has to work for me—is being organised.

There are school activities, sports tournaments, drama productions, holidays—all of which require careful planning and logistics. Both husband and I are across all the email's, WhatsApp groups, and everything goes in a family diary.

Right now, we’re preparing to go on holiday. One of our kids has a sports tournament the night before we leave, which includes an overnight stay. Here’s what I’ve done in the run-up:

• Gone through the kids’ summer clothes, ordered new ones where needed, and returned what didn’t fit.
• Washed and ironed everything.
• Packed for myself and both children.
• Packed my husband’s clothes for him (not out of choice)
• Packed all toiletries.
• Booked airport parking.
• Booked and paid for the entire holiday.
• Organised the overnight bag for the tournament.
• Joined the WhatsApp group for tournament updates.
• Put the bins out for collection.
• Turned the hot water off before leaving.

My husband has:

• Bought new swimming goggles for the kids.
• Taken out his clothes to bring on holiday.
• Bought fish food for the week.

The night before we travel, he’s working late because of a deadline. He’s not helping at all. From the weekend to when we leave, we had two full days and three evenings to prepare. He got his clothes out the day before we fly. By the final night, I completely shut down. I wasn’t really talking to anyone. The mental and logistical load of organising a family of four is crushing me. I can’t help but feel resentful that he doesn’t anticipate what needs to be done—or even ask.

When I speak to friends, some of them are doing even more than this. They say their husbands are “useless”—but also acknowledge that their husbands are the primary breadwinners, so maybe that’s how they justify the imbalance. In our case, I actually earn more, and I manage the family’s finances too.
When I speak to family, I get the usual: “That’s just men for you.”

But I’m tired. I feel burnt out, alone, and increasingly like this isn’t fair. It feels expected of me—and yet, it’s just not working for me anymore. I’m left wondering: What exactly am I getting out of this?

I have thought about calling it a day on our marriage due to his lack of input on the planning and organisational side but is this enough to break up a family. I also can't afford to leave, not without some significant changes like moving to a new location etc which isn't something I am ready to entertain yet.

Have you already been on the holiday?How is packing for him not your choice?
Going forward, do nothing. Ensure kids are fed, clothed and healthy, otherwise nothing.
Everything is in diary/whatsapp so he can see what's happening.
Ensure you have time for yourself. A class, gym, meet family/friends or just go for a walk
Get some advice and be absolutely clear on your options should you want to leave. He is your husband and co-parent. You do not have to parent him.

I wouldn't call it a day. I would have a conversation where you explain how you feel and what's going to happen moving forward.

For example, you say you packed your husband's clothes. What would happen if you didn't? Let that happen.

Can the children take on more responsibility? Any reason they can't pack themselves? Or at least pack their own overnight bags? Toothbrush and pants.

The way I see it is that you're enabling this shit to continue. Does your husband actually know what needs to be done? I know that sounds silly because he should know, right but if he's never done it, it may not occur to him.

Regarding your husband not helping at all. How long has the holiday been planned? Stop making excuses for him.

If you stop laundering your husband's clothes, packing his bags or making his lunch, he'll have to do it himself. If you ask him to handle the tournament arrangements then he'll have to face your child when he messes up.

Thanks - the child on the tournament is 9. When I say organised his packing, they did it with me. Picked their clothes, underwear socks etc. We had to sort out sleeping bag etc etc. I got them to do it but it needed supervision. First time away so not old enough or experienced enough to do this solo.

They are both going away with grandparents in the summer, which is a real treat. I will write them a list and they can organise themselves or at least ask for help. I don't begrudge doing stuff for them but I am / do want to teach them to be independent.

Both my children are autistic - I do over compensate to ensure nothing goes wrong as that can really throw them.

Its DH that my issue is with.

If your children are autistic is there a chance your DH is on the spectrum to some extent? If so is this a barrier to his understanding of what you are feeling and what you need? Things need to change but the first question is what can make that change? If organising with him now is hard I doubt it will be easier if co-parenting and sharing time with organising DCs.

How often do you go on holiday and are they similar when you do? Could you have a family plan far out from holiday of the run in so get everyone doing their bit? That may sound like another plan, but perhaps there are things you can avoid all landing at once and you get one plan where you just do the same thing every time so it isn’t re planning from scratch each time.

It sounds like you don’t communicate well generally so this seems like the fundamental issue. People like to suggest counselling but I would suggest something different. I have know people who did “coaching” for families, particularly those with children with additional needs. Making suggestions about what they have seen worse elsewhere. Sometimes the message comes better (differently delivered or understood) from a 3rd party. Are there local groups in your area who offer this?

So you will rob your children of living with their father because he isn't as organised as you? Selfish and ridiculous. You are organised which is great, he isn't. It's a minor thing. Grow up.

@Funnyduck60 really? Is there any need to come on to tell OP to ‘grow up’ because they are expressing their frustration?

OP it isn’t clear to what extent you discuss the tasks with DH and agree who is doing what - or whether you just crack on and somehow expect him to muck in?

He's opted out @Funnyduck60, if anyone is doing the robbing it's him, of the OPs time.

did you do the washing, ironing and packing for you husband?
and pay for the holiday out of your own separate money?

I also can't afford to leave, not without some significant changes like moving to a new location etc which isn't something I am ready to entertain yet.

So rule out leaving him.

That leaves three options:

One: Continue to do everything you already do, and decide to suck it up.

Two: Keep asking DH to change his ways and help more, which might be like banging your head against a brick wall.

Three: Radically simplify.
For example, next time tell DC that they are not allowed to do an overnight tournament just before the holiday, as it is too much to organise.
Did you have to wash and iron the clothes? Were they dirty? Did they need ironing?
Does it matter if the water is not turned off or the bins not collected? It is not the end of the world.
Absolutely never ever do DH packing for him. If he travels with no tee-shirts and no spare underpants, that is his problem. If he forgets his passport, then he has to organise going on a later flight while you and the DC go ahead.

A tip which you might find useful - create a comprehensive universal permanent packing list, with sections for each type of holiday (beach, winter, hotel, camping, cottage, etc.). Before each holiday, print off a copy. Cross out anything not relevant, then that is your packing list in hand so nothing is forgotten.

When I speak to friends, some of them are doing even more than this. They say their husbands are “useless”—but also acknowledge that their husbands are the primary breadwinners, so maybe that’s how they justify the imbalance. In our case, I actually earn more, and I manage the family’s finances too.

You know what? Just no. My husband is the primary breadwinner. If you think that means I should pack his clothes for him, that can sod right sod off. It justifies nothing. My DH would never be so entitled as to claim this and if he did he could sod right off too. He is an adult who can pack his own bloody bag.

@Funnyduck60 "not as organised" equals leaving OP to do everything and massively disrespecting her, stop minimising it. Also they would not be "growing up without their father."

I’m afraid it’s up to us to change the culture. It’s a fact, they’ll never change of their own volition. So you put your foot down and drastically increase his list of responsibilities and it is non negotiable. Also the children absolutely need to see the mental load shared 50-50 by parents otherwise things will not improve in their generation. Even if it takes years and hundreds of discussions and lists created.

Thanks for the comments.

In answer to your questions - yes he is highly likely autistic as well as ADHD. The holiday is one example, there are many more. And yes I paid for the holiday out of my money. I like the idea of coaching for families, this is something I have not heard of before but would be interested in.

My point isn't about packing his clothes - I was trying to get across (probably not very well) that when we need to do anything as a family, I think for the kids and me and if needed him. He is just thinking of him, and not very well. The reason I put his clothes in the suitcase is as we were travelling with one suitcase for 4 people so was trying to ascertain space. It is not about the task, its about the mental capacity of the task and thinking for others, not just yourself.

In the past I have listed out everything that needs doing to divide and conquer which works well but that requires me to list all of the activities and delegate. I am annoyed that I am the one that has to think of the tasks to begin with!

We have talked about it in the past and he admits we do things differently. He is more last minute, bit rushed which I find super stressful especially when organising multiple people.

I need to navigate this for future as it is really causing a issue.