Is my new friend taking advantage of me or I'm just being too cautious?

[Kittley]

I've become friends with my neighbour 5 months ago when I moved to a flat on my own after a divorce. We hit it off right away because she's originally from a country where my mum is from and I speak the language. She's been in the country for a couple of years with her partner and 5 year old son so still adjusting. In the beginning, I was helping a lot because I felt sorry for her, she and her partner both work long hours and I have given them quite a few lifts in the morning run to school as I work from home and they don't have a car so struggle to find a taxi at times. At one point, I gave their child and one parent a lift to school for a whole week. But I've noticed within 5 months that she's messaging me a lot, often multiple times a day venting about her work which is fine but the few times we've been together she would talk about her job issues for 2 hours straight. She has asked me to babysit her son a couple of times for her to do various things like do her driving lesson whilst I'm working but recently it just feels like a lot. I've had to say no a few times because she would ask me to babysit him on Fridays when she does her second part time job. She would also still ask me for last minute lift to schools etc.

It's a lot to summarise in a post but I've never been in this situation before and I believe in boundaries and respect when it comes to friendship. When I tell her that I do work even if I'm working from home, she just laughs. She's s nice person but part of me is finding this to be one-sided friendship. Any thoughts?

Absolutely refuse to help with anything during working hours. School run? You have an early meeting.
Be less available. Don't answer texts.

It does sound like she's making very good use of you. What's with the laughing when you say you work from home? That to me is disrespectful.

Do you get anything from the friendship @Kittley ?

Good question as I've thought of that myself. I suppose when we're together and in the small window that she doesn't just talk about her work issues, she is fun to hang around with but on reflection everything else outweighs that because I'm conscious she's been asking a lot and doesn't seem to understand boundaries even when I've refused or explained I work from home. It's only been 5 months and she's been asking me to do a lot for her than anyone I've known most of my life that I'm beginning to question if I should distant myself.

You sound like a very nice person and she's taking advantage of you. I had to re read to check but yes, she's got a partner. Her partner can parent their child when she goes to her second job. Her partner can listen to her drone on about her job.

You're very busy now.

Sometimes the more you do, the more people push it and start to expect it. You have to set the limits very clearly : eg "I can only give a school lift on Mondays" etc.

You sound like an absolutely lovely person who is being taken advantage of. Only you can decide what you want to do, you either carry on being taken advantage of or you cut ties.

You sound kind, but I wouldn't agree to do lifts or anything else during my working hours, or frankly anything that wasn't within my time available to her, unless it was a true emergency.

Taken advantage of...

I have given them quite a few lifts in the morning run to school as I work from home

This is wayyyyy too much.
Stop all lifts ever.

Id also be busy and distance myself a bit.

I have given them quite a few lifts in the morning run to school as I work from home and they don't have a car so struggle to find a taxi at times.

This is weird - generally people give lifts if they're going somewhere and the other person wants a lift to that place or to somewhere en route. It's a whole other level to give someone a lift when you wfh and aren't going anywhere so have to drive them specially. You're not a car service and unless it's an emergency, this is way too much to ask, especially for a new friend/neighbour. Her taxi issues aren't your problem and indeed why is the DC at a school that she can't get to on public transport? She's taking the piss and you've made a mistake not setting better boundaries from the off - obviously because you're a nice person, but you have to stop now and put some proper lines in place. No more lifts or babysitting. You're not a taxi or a childcarer. You're a nice neighbour with their own life to lead and you've done more than enough already. She's is, I'm afraid, a CF.

You are being a doormat, stop it.

I get what you say about home country and shared culture and language, we had a neighbour move in a few years ago who when they saw me embraced me. This is rare in my culture as it still quite formal but it’s a link and I reminded her of home though I have never personally lived there. But at no point has she attempted to take advantage.

What is the culture like in the country she is from? In my experience (from working with international students) they don't always understand the British way of saying no "gently". We often ( without realising it) say no in a way that expects the heater to understand the nuance ( I do work, even if it is from home = I can't do what you are asking because I am working).
The international students needed a clearer approach that in British culture might be seen as blunt or even rude.
My suggestion would be:
Decide where your boundaries are and then communicate them very clearly. ( "I can't give any more lifts because it takes up too much of my working time" or "I can only give a lift in a rare emergency, say once every 3 months". Whatever you feel comfortable with. And " I understand you have difficulties with work. Shall we talk about it for 10 minutes. Then maybe we could talk about some other things."
It is possible she just isn't picking up on your cues because of differences in culture.

What do they do for you?

Yes she is taking advantage, but she might not think she is. I don’t know where she’s from, but with some cultures asking for favours is second nature. They don’t consider the impact on the person they’re asking because they expect that you will make that call and say yes or no accordingly. There are no hard feelings if you say no.

In our culture, we only ask for favours if we’re desperate, so we instinctively feel that something must be really important for a person to have asked us, and feel pressure to say yes.

She is taking advantage of you. It doesn't sound as though there as much time when she is being fun, she's either asking favours, putting on you or talking about herself. You had a full sense of security with her heritage and language. Now you know the real person.

she's been asking a lot and doesn't seem to understand boundaries even when I've refused or explained I work from home

She can be very plausible about not seeming to understand your boundaries but really she's just ignoring them to get what she wants.

If I were you @Kittley , I'd say something like "No, that doesn't work for me" rather than explaining why you can't do something. The more information you give someone, in any setting, the more they have to work with to get round you.

You don't need to answer every text or knock at the door - you were not put on this earth to serve her - she managed before she met you. Make yourself less available and put yourself first

OP, this is ridiculous. Nowhere do you mention actually liking her. Your original ‘hitting it off’ sounds as if it purely came from speaking the same language, and you say you ‘started helping because I felt sorry for her’. That’s no basis for a friendship. You aren’t friends. She’s just a neighbour you rashly turned into a human service animal and venting opportunity for.

Maybe you might become friends at some point in the future, once she’s got over her current dependence on your help, and you have time to decide whether you actually enjoy her company when it’s not a matter of being vented at or asked for lifts, but that’s a separate issue.

For now, dial the help back to zero. ‘No, I can’t, I’m working.’ ‘No, I’m not free.’ She managed before you moved in. She’ll manage again. Plus she has a partner. She’s not alone with a five year old.

Are you feeling unusually vulnerable post-divorce, and living solo? It sounds as if you would benefit from enjoying your solo life and your own place, and concentrating on yourself and all the good aspects of your new life.

You need to decide what you are happy to do. At the moment she is asking but you are the one who is agreeing! It’s a bit daft to agree to things you don’t want to do. If you want you can lie to get out of things. Maybe you can’t give a lift as you are waiting for a work call or whatever. If you want to remain friends you can tell her that you don’t want to only talk about her work and see what happens. Be really straightforward about it. There is no way I’d listen to someone going on about their work for two hours straight.

Basically she’s using you and the more you agree to do, the more she’ll ask.
be prepared to lose the “friendship” once you start standing up for yourself .

OP, I kind of guessed where your friend is from. My personal advice is to reinforce your boundaries. Whats happening now is she sees your kindness as a weakness and will continue to take from you. I guarantee you that if it was the other way around - she would put you firmly in your place. Good luck

Hi OP can I give a slightly different side to it - that when let’s say my Grandparents and Parents came here - everyone supported everyone - it’s how the community became so successful, perhaps as she sees you as one of her own that she feels she can rely on you this way I think it’s important to give it some cultural context. Nevertheless it doesn’t mean you have capacity so just be clear with her and tell her.

But that’s a community. Help spread about, a general giving one another a leg up etc. it’s how immigrants get on and thrive. (I’ve been that immigrant!) But that’s a different matter to leaning heavily on one new neighbour for childcare, lifts, venting opportunities etc.

You sound really nice. She probably is ok too.

I think she's just gone in far too strong with the presumption of favours etc and you need to recalibrate boundaries. You're neighbours after all so want to keep it friendly.

I would withdraw all favours. As in, not a big statement but don't offer or accept any more unless it's an actual A&E level emergency. Don't lie is she queries it but you don't need to explain yourself proactively.

Then let things settle and see if she wants to be a friend for friendship's sake rather than as a handy babysitter. If so, it's fine in slower time to maybe reintroduce the off lift if you're going that way etc but she's overplayed her hand. Time will tell if that's taking the piss cynically or genuinely interest in friendship too.

To add, I don't mean don't let her in the car if you're passing, but no favours out of your way. For now.

During you work hours and an hour before and after, your commuting time, you are not available to help out in any way.

Stick to that and just see her for a chat in your social time, see if that helps. Also change the subject away from work so go for a walk instead or have a coffee out so there’s other things going on to talk about.

She’s got used to you permanently being available and may not even realise what she’s doing.