Adult children of divorced parents

[LogicalBlodge]

I've just woken up from a nightmare in which one parent was harming another. It was behind a closed door and I was pushing on it. It was an unpleasant dream.

It just sort of flung open a door in my brain in the middle of the night and the words 'not knowing what really happened' came to my mind, along with the realisation that this is probably coming up as a parent recently got (re)married.

I remember anger, sadness, what is the point of marriage for women (don't think I ever resolved that one), does being remarried change any relationships in substance?

Did you experience parental divorce and how did it affect your views on marriage, or choice of a lifelong partner?

Did parents remarriage bring any additional demands for you?

I also realised I don't want to be dragged into any kind of role - how do you (as an adult) respond to (when you witness them) a situation where existing and remarried parent are having a disagreement in front of you? I've already noticed myself pulling back to avoid creating a conflict.

I don't think there's enough time in a lifetime to heal from it I.e. the conflict I witnessed. Maybe there is and I'm missing something.

I resent the idea of paying for therapy, as its delving back into something that has no rational answers anyway but every now and then I get flashes back to it.

Interested in anyone else's reflections on their experiences.

Well if it will differ for anyone. Were your parents abusive? Did they hate each other or hit you? Or was it just shouting that you witnessed?

Is this for research for something?

I just wanted my parents to be happy.

At first I thought, is it worth getting married at all if they just end? And then I thought, well, if my parents' marriage was actually bad, then marriage can be better than that, so it would be OK to get married. Within 18 months I was married to someone it was really stupid to choose, that lasted 4 years.

I'm not going to say therapy would have been cheaper. But having eventually had some, things are very different and I wish I'd had it earlier. Having said that, I kind of think I had to reach a certain point in my life for it to be effective.

Interesting questions. I'm in the long process of becoming a family therapist at the moment and I find this stuff fascinating 😅

My parents divorced when I was 6, both went on to find new partners (I now realise that my mum moved on veeeeery quickly and I wonder if she cheated). When I was 10 my mum moved us away to live with her partner, then when I was about 15 they broke up and quite soon there was another new partner, who is now her third husband.

My dad also remarried, my stepmum can be difficult....

I have always had a belief that relationships don't last, and in previous relationships have always felt that a break up was inevitable at some point.

I am now with DP of 5 years, who was raised by parents who stayed together and loved one another, and had successful marriage counselling at one point when things were difficult. His core beliefs are much more along the lines of, lifelong relationships are possible as long as you work hard and communicate well. I love that about him and have started to believe it too, he's the first person that I could truly imagine myself getting old with (and not in a cheesy, idealistic way - I can imagine the difficulties and differences we'd encounter and how we would overcome them).

That being said, at times when our relationship has been tricky I've been quick to think "omg this is the beginning of the end, it might not be that bad now but this will keep getting worse until it causes us to split". Which is partly due to my tendency to catastrophise and partly due to my own family experiences.

Seriously? No. I've just never talked to anyone about it.

My mum hit my dad which I witnssed . She was emotionally abusive to me and my brother. I also witnessed her attempting suicide.

I'd forgotten this. I felt this way too. I tried to help my mum.

As for them together, I think I knew from about 10 that the relationship wasn't like other families.

I don't think I wanted them to be together particularly, but wanted my mum to be happy.

Thanks for sharing this.
I struggled with my first relationship, mainly as this was still going on. In my second relationship I consciously said to myself go just go with my feelings and not hold back. It worked but I was terrified of commitment - I saw it as a trap of unhappiness, so I ended it when we ran into some blocks (I.e. we were figuring out what we did next after I finished university).

Then made progressively worse choices which for various reasons didn't work.

I've had EMDR which was really helpful.

But I think I need some sort of psychotherapy, but just need to budget for it. I think it's probably essential though.

I was 5 when parents divorced. I dont remember it and I only have vague memories of them together. Older sister was 11. She recalls a lot (also younger brother at 2 who obviously recalls nothing)

I dont recall shouting or arguments and sister has never commented on this either. Whilst my mother was a loud woman she tended to sulk and go silent if angry rather than loud. My father is a quiet man Ive never known him to raise his voice so arguments are unlikely.

Mother moved in with the OM and they remained together until her death 36 years later but never married. Father remarried 4 times twice to the same woman. Wife no 2 was a non compromising woman expected things her way and I recall her telling me what a difficult child I was if I disnt follow their rules (I was there every 3 weekend so not like I was familiar with the rules)
My father became a distant figure I loved but didnt know.

I felt unloved, not cared for and very much left. Sister and brother remained with our father I lived with our mother who was a chef and a waitress so rarely home when I was. I dont recall my mother ever making me a lunch box for school. I recall at age 9 veing told it was my own fault for not doing it.

It all affected me hugely. I had several relationships that didnt work out as I could not commit until I met dh.. we have been married 29 years. I knew it was a work hard on it as divorce was not an option for me. Nor was sending my children to school without lunch. Or never having time for them. Dh and I threw all our energy into our 4. Result is 4 wonderful human beings that rolled their eyes as teenagers when I said I love them as they are that secure in this love. And I utterly love that. At age 23 ds still finished each telephone conversation with love you mum. His sisters drop it freely too.

I never heard either of my parents tell me they loved me. When my mother died 10 years ago i made a point out of telling my dad and his response was. "Yes... I do you too. I do all you kids" its not his fault he cant say it. He is a good man in many ways. But their divorce hugely affected who I grew up to be. No denying that.

Edited spelling

Thanks for sharing this. I think it's important to recognise that we all see it differently too! And that two people coming together will bring that. Hmm food for thought.

I find endings of anything, or change in general, hard. But may well have always been that way.

It sounds helpful to look at alternatives e.g. okay that was not good but then what does make a good relationship. What values and behaviours. A question to take to therapy.

EMDR plus getting an ADHD diagnosis helped me a lot with the catastrophising. I never realised I did it, but now I can notice when I'm doing it which is incredible, rather than get sucked into its grip.

Glad you are happy 😊

This has been really helpful, thank you!

Ah this is beautiful and bitter sweet. How lovely the relationships with your DC, and your kindness.

This is kind of eye opening in a way as I always saw marriage in a negative light. Whereas you've taken your experiences and gone in with open eyes that it takes work and commitment.

I don't think I fully appreciated the work aspect until much later in life i.e. that challenges will arise and you can work through them.

I think probably where I went wrong was getting into serious relationships too young. I was 18 and had a partner until I was 22, then another 24 - 26, then another 26-27, then another 28-32.

My parents were totally incompatible but didn’t divorce — it was rare, back in the 1960s. They were deeply unhappy, with occasional outbursts of rage and despair from my mother, and my childhood memories have a pervading atmosphere of sadness. My siblings and I all left home as soon as we could. I think all of us have a tendency to depression.

Yet for many years I kept the belief that divorce was a terrible thing and very unfair on the children! Tbf, that was true when my ex-BIL dumped my sister and their children — my DSis had married in haste and he was a shit.
But why did I keep that ingrained belief that divorce was a generally bad thing? My parents would probably have been happier if they had separated. I’m sure we kids would have been.

I was so anxious not to repeat their mistakes that I made a whole different set of mistakes. I thought marriage was a dangerous trap, so I stayed alone. To avoid being like my angry, volatile mother, I became a people-pleaser who couldn’t bear to hurt anyone’s feelings.

By sheer luck, I finally met a compatible people-pleaser and we have now been together more than 20 years. Utterly happy, in a peaceful harmonious household that people enjoy visiting. But it took a long hard and lonely time to get here.

Sorry, not sure if that’s relevant to your question, OP.

Thanks for sharing - it's helpful to hear experiences. And encouraging that you met someone. I've been single for 13 years now - originally I kept putting it off, work, health, pandemic, now those excuses have run out. I prefer the idea of being friends for a good amount of time first.

Re my original question, the remarriage has triggered thoughts and emotions, but also a sense of closure I think.

My parents didn't divorce and are now in their 80s but, as an adult, I view their relationship as quite toxic. They argued a lot when I was young, due to various external pressures, and my dad treated my mum badly, verbally, and is a difficult man in many ways. He is still unkind and rude to her in front of me (and my kids!) but I always call it out now, I won't stand for it in my presence. He doesn't like that and sometimes sulks and refuses to then speak at all which can make a short visit to see them diffcult & upsetting.

The effect this had on me was that I now realise that I had a high tolerance to crap treatment by men and I let my exH away with things that I don't think other women would have put up with. I think subconsciously I even expected poor treatment. Consequently he did it even more.

His parents also stayed together but his father was unfaithful (his mother & the family knew) and also treated his mum badly. So I think my exH was repeating a pattern when he cheated and was cold and indifferent towards me.

I remember really wishing my parents would divorce when I was in my teens and I sometimes wonder how life would have been if they had. But my mum won't hear a word said against my dad and excuses his poor behaviour so she definitely wouldn't have made that choice.