Autism

[ThatDenimExpert]

He has autism. We are not together but I want to be. I feel like his personality has changed since I first met him and now he’s become really rude and avoidant. He used to be friendly. I really like him but I don’t understand him, he doesn’t want to spend much time with me and is irritated when I talk to him. He told me I have to persuade him to like me and if I do things like leave him alone he would like me. and then he lists things that are wrong with me and that hurts because he never thinks to do anything nice or say anything nice to me. I feel so lonely and neglected. I don’t have many people in my life because I have autism too but mine presents differently.

Why do you want to be with someone rude and avoidant?

Why do you want to be with someone who treats you so badly?
Walk away. Work on your self esteem.

Don't worry about diagnosis, what's important is how someone makes you feel.

Your partner should make you feel safe, supported, loved, cherished and desired.

He doesn't make you feel good about yourself so move on.

Between my daughter to her boyfriend when she was 16
”I love you and I want to be with you but I don’t need to be with you. Your job is to make me want to be with you.” And vice versa.

And Dr Az Hakeem
”a main characteristic of autism is a complete inability to see anyone else’s perspective “ (see dd’s comment)

are you really sure that putting time and energy into this man will be a good use of your personal resources?

Try to think of his autism as a mask, behind which there is his personality. Sometimes the Autism can stop the core good traits showing clearly. But it can also be an excuse to hide the bad ones.
I'd just counsel to be wary, from the experience of a friend whose first marriage was to someone with Asbergers who knew that to find a wife, he had to show a 'good face'. Then they married and she found that her husband was a different person to the one who she had first met. If your man is showing his true self now, judge him on that. Don't be with someone because they're 'better than nothing'; because they won't be. Don't be with someone because you have something in common - be with someone who makes you smile, feel good.

So much misinformation on this thread.

Luckily the behaviour and thoughts of a 16 year old boy does not represent the thoughts and behaviour of adults. Many autistic people are capable of seeing things from different people’s point of view.

But, OP I am sorry this man does not want to be in a relationship with with you and he isn’t making you happy. You need to leave him alone and look for someone else.

He’s rude, avoidant and irritated with you. It doesn’t sound as if he likes you back and, no matter what he says, you can’t make him.
He isn’t that into you and he treats you badly. Please move on to somebody who will give you the love and kindness you deserve.

I have autism and I'd never behave like that. I'd never pander to someone who behaves like that, either. He sounds horrible.

OP, step away from this person and surround yourself with people who value and appreciate you. Perhaps look into why you're willing to tolerate such shoddy behaviour, too.

Autism does not = rude and avoidant. A nice partner does not list all the things that are wrong with you. Don't accept poor treatment from any potential partner, a diagnosis is not an excuse for anything you've listed here. Autism isn't a mask that hides someone's real personality, that's bullshit, and that kind of thinking also excuses shitty behaviour and allows people who are simply behaving poorly and not taking responsibility for their own feelings to carry on doing so. This is why so many women end up in bad relationships with autistic men, because they think the real person behind the autism will eventually come out. But his real personality is what he's showing you.

(I'm autistic + ADHD, btw, and would never have treated someone like this in a relationship, not would I even think of doing so).

You sound young. I wonder if this young man is not really wanting a relationship or has perhaps decided you're not for him (which is okay, because it sounds like he's not ready to be a good partner either, and we can't be for everyone) and doesn't know how to say, so he's being horrible so you'll end it for him. Young lads, whether autistic or not, are often not emotionally mature enough to own their feelings and have hard conversations, so they just behave dickishly instead.

I think you might need to walk away from this one. Don't settle for someone who doesn't care about your feelings, regardless of neurotype.

He’s not your partner and he’s not behaving like a friend. Your loneliness is causing you to cling to someone who doesn’t want to be with you. It’s time to let go and channel your energies into relationships that enrich your life.

people with autism are just as able to be arseholes as neurotypical people.

What the fuck. He’s behaving appallingly towards you and deserves none of your time, attention, energy or care. I can only imagine people in your past have been so cruel to you that you’re angling for more ill treatment but please please please do whatever you need to and can to raise your sense of self worth so you only consider someone for a relationship - as a friend or a partner - who is worthy of you, kind to you, respectful of you.

Being autistic and being an arsehole aren't mutually exclusive. You don't behave like that. Bin him.

Spot on 😁

Autism doesn't mean treating people like shit. Given that people with autism have difficulties socially, commonly with interpreting others reactions or feelings, people with autism may come across as uncaring or rude.

HOWEVER
The part that people on Mumsnet often seem to forget, is that the disability is about picking up on social cues, and knowing how/when to react. If someone communicates their feelings to an autistic person, in a way that person can understand (eg telling them) an autistic person is just as capable as caring/apologising as the next person, assuming there's not something else major going on (such as being in crisis/meltdown) Many people with autism actually spend an awful lot of time worried about whether they have upset someone, or trying to work out if they've made a faux pas.

Some people with autism have little interest/need in relationships/connection with others, and consequently make little effort about it. I suspect the guy you're interested in might be like this. Either that or he just isn't into you..

Please don't tie yourself in knots trying to please him, look for someone who wants to be with you and values you!