To invite his father to birthday?

[Sugarsnapfairy]

My DS father and I have been separated for 3 years, divorced for 2 years. We have kept our distance from each other as things got nasty at the end of our marriage and divorce, with emotional abuse a feature.
My son turns 16 next month and is going skydiving (I'm not looking forward to this! 😆) He's wanted to do this for years and did an indoor skydive for his 15th birthday. So, this is quite a significant present/experience for him.
I paid for most of the skydive as his present, with my mum and partner pitching in small amounts.
Here's the thing. My partner has suggested he and my mother come along to watch, which I'm all for. HOWEVER, part of me wonders whether my sons dad may want to be there, or if my son wants his dad to come watch such a big experience for him.
My mum won't be around my ex husband and I would not put my son in the awkward position of having my partner and his dad there, as it would be the first time we had all been at an event together.
I'm so torn, I don't want to hurt my partner, who treats my son as his own, but don't want my son to miss out on sharing the experience with his dad if this is what he wants.

My loyalties 100% do not lie with my ex husband, its all about my son. I dont know how to handle this! 🙈

Your mum and partner contributed to the experience so they should be there. Your ex is at liberty to arrange a separate celebration for his son.

Ask your son, I spent birthdays and Christmas mornings over the years with my husband’s ex wife because my step daughter has wanted both parents at parties ect. This has all been perfectly fine between me DH and ex wife but there have been comments made by SIL. She was told privately to put a smile on her face at such occasions and keep her opinions to herself and your mum and partner will have to learn to do the same if that’s what your son wants.
Just imagine 10 years from now you and your ex husband may have grandchildren from your son… There will probably be birthdays ect where you will have to all be in the same room.

Ask your partner to gauge reaction
Say exactly what you said here. If he can cope with it then ask your son.
If your son wants him there then your mother has to wind her neck in.
You are a lovely human for even thinking of it.
It could be practice run for future events that you will all attend e.g a wedding, graduation etc

I think your son is old enough that if he wanted to invite his dad he’d say, without needing to be asked about it or to be prompted by you.

And he hasn’t. So I’d leave it.

Plus what a slap in the face for your partner, “thanks for chipping in for DS skydive but you can’t come along to watch it because I’ve persuaded him to ask his emotionally abusive dad instead”.

part of me wonders whether my sons dad may want to be there

My loyalties 100% do not lie with my ex husband, its all about my son

2 completely contrary statements right there.

Aw, thank you for the kind words. I had my tin hat on for a bit of a roasting, so thank you.
My mum is 80 a bit frail, and is aware of the emotional abuse I endured and admitted post divirce that she found being around my ex husband uncomfortable at times when we were married.
My partner understands that I wouldn't put my son in the situation of being uncomfortable and contributed anyway, but I am worried he's hurt as he really does so much.

Aren't blended families challenging?!

Thank you. Interestingly, my therapist has said that I think of others to a fault.

I am aware if hurting my partner. He's so very kind. But is also divorced with kids, and there have been times I've avoided events just to save his kids awkwardness.

It's a difficult balance. I appreciate your response.

It’s skydiving, not his wedding. His dad does not need to be there. And I also question why you’d consider him over the people who contributed.

Thank you for your response and you are correct.
My son may want to share the experience with his dad.
It's not about the contribution, it's about my sons wishes.

But your son hasn’t expressed a wish to include his dad. Don’t create an issue by bringing it up. If son asks for dad to be there, then by all means invite him.

I really do think that if your son wanted his Dad there he'd have a quiet word with you.

As a pp said, it's not his wedding or something similarly significant - 16th birthday not so much.

I think you're overthinking. Rest easy and say nothing unless your son does.

But its not is it? Your son hasn't expressed any wish for his Dad to be there.

This is about what you want, and what you want is to people please to the extent that you'll put out the people who love you for the sake of your sons relationship with his father.

Your son is 16, he likely knows that while he may want his Dad there, it's probably not the best idea, and that he'll be able to celebrate with his Dad at another time. And it's easier for him if he's never given the option to invite his Dad. If you suggest it to him, then suddenly he has to make that choice, and he has to be the bad guy whatever decision he makes.