Not enough texting?

[latetexter]

Been seeing my new partner for 3 months, both 35. We have had a discussion about being exclusive but we haven't done the introductions to friends or family yet, just spending time together at the weekends and sometimes mid week.

We have a really great time together but when we are apart I feel really anxious that he doesn't like me enough. And that is down the fact he only texts me in the evening around 8pm. We both work full time but he has more time off than I do. I mentioned it to him and said if he is genuinely busy then that's fine, but he gets breaks at work and doesn't respond to my previous message from the previous evening (he tends to go to bed before me) So I end up waiting for his message which sometimes doesn't end up coming through until about 8pm, we have a couple of back and forth messages with me being the last to respond, he goes to bed and cycle continues the following night. We don't speak on the phone.

I had issues with my ex with him leaving me on read and it making me anxious when he was out and we have spoken about that, although not much. And I have mentioned that I like a text in the daytime but he still only messages me in the evening. Although in the first month when we were dating, he WOULD text me morning and daytime sometimes, although not everyday.

He does have a fairly responsible job but he does get a couple of breaks. I just don't understand why he isn't as keen to speak to me as I am to him... it's getting to the point where I feel I might have to break it off as I don't want to be with someone who 'just isn't into me'. Although speaking to a couple of friends they have said he probably feels more comfortable around me now and that he doesn't need to be in touch all the time. Not sure what to think.

I agree, 3 months in still honeymoon period, either have a conversation about it or move on

It's just a compatibility issue, nobody's right or wrong.

People always say "it only takes a few seconds" but that's not really all it takes. The idea of being in a constantly ongoing open-ended text conversation just fills me with anxiety. I'd find it very difficult to settle to anything else - are they waiting for an answer/has the conversation finished or is another text going to ping in 20 minutes to which I'll have to come up with an interesting response? How am I supposed to get on with work/make dinner/settle in for the evening and watch my TV programme with all that hanging over me?

None of this means I'm not excited about my partner. 30 years ago, when you'd see your boyfriend/girlfriend at the weekend and then again maybe midweek, with hardly any contact in-between, that also didn't mean you weren't excited by each other, either. Who decided that this constant "checking in" must be the sole indicator of how you feel about someone?!

It OP he is a full on grown up at work not a teenager. Kindly this is very clingy behaviour. Yeah I’m sure he does have breaks but is probably using them to pee, gwt a drink and eat. Seriously chill. The more you keep this up the less likely he will be to text more. No one likes someone who is this overwhelming.

I could be absolutely loved up to my eyeballs but the thought of trite ‘good morning have a good day, how’s your day going, what you up to? Messages daily would do my head in.
I hate pointless chat chat.

Id rather have a short window of contact every day with things worth talking about.

Sending meaningless daily messages and responding with the same nothingness doesn’t mean you’re more in love than someone who messaged less often.

I don't think this is clingy. I think it's not an abnormal expectation in a new-ish relationship if that's how things have been.
It might be a generational thing but more messaging is what I would like and expect

OP I understand where you’re coming from. I’m 30 this year, and I love the texting phase at the beginning of a relationship. I sometimes ask myself if it’s normal for someone my age or if I should have left it in my teens, and judging from some replies here maybe I should have 🙈

I’m currently seeing a guy who is exactly like your partner. We met at a cafe where he would pay for my coffee (without having ever actually spoken more than two words to him, and even that was just to say thanks!) until one day I gave him my number. Only afterwards did I find out that he was a plain clothes police officer, and on duty! In the beginning I couldn’t understand why he would never reply during the day, in my mind he just stands around smoking and drinking coffee all day (it’s Rome so a bit more acceptable here 😅). I had to accept that it’s not just about what I think he does with his time, how much free time he has at work etc. He is working. If I hadn’t just accepted this it would have driven me crazy and more than likely I would have scared him off.

We call each other most evenings and it’s so much better (for me) than text. I feel much better about not hearing from him during the day when we call in the evening. Could you try this instead?

OP, I know we all have phones now and regular messages are possible, etc etc - but how do you think relationships were conducted before mobiles?

Seriously, it's not healthy to be constantly hoping for/checking your phone for messages.

How are you feeling about things now, OP? My partner of a similar time scale is the same, and reading these replies has really helped me to put things in perspective. Or see another point of view.

Honestly OP if you're feeling like his behaviour has changed and it's making you feel he's just not that into you... don't ignore that! A relationship shouldn't be making you feel a bit shit at the 6 month mark

Ye I'm in exactly same boat. Hope we aren't dating same man. He never has time ends up working the weekend. Yet I asked him yesterday via text what brings him joy and he said being with friends and said he's meeting a friend for a whole weekend in 2 weeks yet he can't even make an effort to see me and I said well you don't work evenings maybe we can go out for tea. Nope he's staying at his parents. So I said yesterday well hopefully you arent working that weekend and he said yes as he would be sad if he couldn't go. Makes no effort with me. I'm going to move on.

Nobody is too busy to send a quick message to someone they want to have in their life. Everyone gets breaks and goes to the toilet. I have an insanely busy job and am out of the house for 14 hours a day, but I still manage it. Texting back and forth throughout the day is unrealistic, but a simple check-in at lunchtime isn't an unreasonable expectation.

Ultimately, if his communication style makes you anxious then either you need to accept that you will not hear from him until the evening or end the relationship and find someone else more compatible. There are plenty of men who will text you more frequently and you will feel more comfortable with someone who better aligns with your needs.

I don't know about "no body is too busy", if I was being operated on for say a brain tumour, I would think the surgeon is too busy! How do people think we went on before mobile phones,we didn't ring each other constantly. This is the trouble with mobile phones these days,you don't get a reply,you wonder why,what's gone wrong, what's happening, what have I done.. DH doesn't have a mobile phone,he can't stand them. I have a relative,who constantly texts her 40 year old ds, night and day and freaks out if he doesn't reply.

This. I dumped someone for exactly this. I had a very full on job and two kids. I could generally text in the evening after the chaos of the day had died down. As soon as he started complaining about texting he was dumped. I don’t have the time for what is a you problem not a me problem.

I think it’s a bit rubbish not to respond all day, my ex husband responds to me quicker than that. I wouldn’t have time for constant interaction all day but a quick message at some point just lets you know you are thinking of them. Break time, home time, toilet, it takes a second.
I used to date someone that only messaged me a few times in the evening and saw him only at weekends, he wasn’t into me as much as I was him, it took me so long to accept that!. Perhaps if the communication was better quality at 8pm, chat for longer or on the phone, a few sentences here and there isn’t going to be very fulfilling to build a relationship, suggest a phone call, if he finds that too much effort then he’s not that into you.

What is clear to see from all of the responses on here is that everyone has different expectations of how much you should be texting. So I would take what he says on face value, if he says he likes you then he does. Personally I would feel suffocated by the expectation to text someone throughout the day, even if it was Henry Cavill. You shouldn’t end things over this, you barely know him. Give it time.

I don’t think any of this is a texting issue…
this man is telling you loudly and clearly
that he’s just not into you. Glad you’ve seen the light and are moving on.

I can visualise you all sitting on the toilet texting!!!