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Original poster

Avoidant ex partner

15 replies

SouthernGuy · 21/05/2025 17:29

Hi all, I have recently split with my ex partner, who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my days with. I was very much in love with her and believed that this was forever, but sadly not.

She was in a relationship prior to me (9 years), but had told me a few months in that she was in love with me, I was her soulmate and her best friend. She had never felt a love like this, and as the months grew I agreed and feel deeply in love with her. We had started to plan a life together and I was going to move closer to her so that this was possible. We used to have fights & when we did , she would quickly exit the relationship and then common back.

Unfortunately, she lost a close family member at the end of last year and from that point I noticed a distance between us. Messages became less frequent (we would message every minute of every day), time spent together became sporadic (see eachother at 1-2 a week) and her words just felt different to me. I would fight to spend time with her by trying to organise stuff, but to no avail. We saw eachother a month ago and it was like nothing had changed. We laughed, hugged, kissed and just loved eachothers company. She messaged me that night saying she was so in love and wanted to see me again. I tried to organise things again, but, again I was unsuccessful. She asked for space, to which I gave her and she messaged saying that she doesn’t want us anymore and she is thinking of moving and starting all over again. I’m just left so confused to where did it go so wrong. Although heartbroken, I am learning to move on, albeit it struggling as I want her back but know deep down she may never come back. Has anyone experienced this before? Sorry for long post

OP posts:
Barch1 · 21/05/2025 17:40

A bereavement can have a huge effect on people relationships. My best friend lost his partner when her mother died. She just had to start afresh. It affects people in very different ways. You might just have to accept it and move on

Original poster
SouthernGuy · 21/05/2025 17:50

Barch1 · 21/05/2025 17:40

A bereavement can have a huge effect on people relationships. My best friend lost his partner when her mother died. She just had to start afresh. It affects people in very different ways. You might just have to accept it and move on

Yes, I completely understand that. I was more asking if I have been subjected to an avoidant relationship

OP posts:
FutureCatMum · 21/05/2025 18:05

Being unable to resolve conflict can be a sign of avoidant behaviour. And leaving when things get too good or being overly critical to pick faults and self sabotage are also indicators. Avoidants rarely recognise those harmful behaviour so it continues.
But how will this help you to move on? If she doesn’t want to be with you, it doesn’t matter how much you may say you love each other. She won’t ever commit and behave in a healthy way.
My avoidant ex said the right things, but never showed up when I need him to. There were more and more red flags that I ignored because I loved him. When I really should have left a long time ago.
Perhaps it’s time to exit this for good and heal yourself from what sounds like an exhausting relationship.

Original poster
SouthernGuy · 21/05/2025 18:18

FutureCatMum · 21/05/2025 18:05

Being unable to resolve conflict can be a sign of avoidant behaviour. And leaving when things get too good or being overly critical to pick faults and self sabotage are also indicators. Avoidants rarely recognise those harmful behaviour so it continues.
But how will this help you to move on? If she doesn’t want to be with you, it doesn’t matter how much you may say you love each other. She won’t ever commit and behave in a healthy way.
My avoidant ex said the right things, but never showed up when I need him to. There were more and more red flags that I ignored because I loved him. When I really should have left a long time ago.
Perhaps it’s time to exit this for good and heal yourself from what sounds like an exhausting relationship.

Thank you for you reply. I think for my own peace of mind, healing and recognising this behaviour in future is why I’m looking for clarification.

OP posts:
Lifeoflemons · 21/05/2025 18:19

I think this is hard to answer with the information provided. Her behaviour could be avoidant or could be completely understandable and normal dependent on what exactly happened between you during the relationship. The devil is in the details.

What were the intense fights about that made her want to exit the relationship, how did you communicate during these fights. Especially considering the relationship wasn't that long yet (unless I've misunderstood), why did you already face such difficulty at the start. Is there a compatibility issue? Misaligned expectations?

Also as per pp, bereavement can be very hard on people to deal with and she clearly needed some space to process this for herself, but it sounds like you were unhappy about this and kept trying to "organise" things, despite her needing some distance.
When you spent time together does she feel like anything is expected of her, simple example but the house may have been a mess and the fridge might be empty, she may have not felt she was able to do anything about it as too overwhelmed with grief, so wouldn't feel comfortable hosting you?

You pushing for more contact whilst she didn't have the headspace for it may have felt quite suffocating to her. How did you react to her seeking distance? Did you express upset, frustration or merely reassured her you were there for her?

About her saying those things when seeing you last: Sometimes we can be madly in love with someone and still worry that the relationship is not actually right for us, causing a conflict between heart and head. When we see that person we yearn for them and want the happy ending so much, but you can't keep pushing away the doubts and concerns you feel deep down.

So sometimes the only thing that can provide clarity in such a situation is some space away from each other to reflect on the situation objectively.

If you are truly right for each other the love will still be there, but you might both need to do some healing and work on self for some time before you can have a healthy dynamic together.

Respect her request for space right now, use the time to reflect on your own expectations and actions in the relationship and if they are healthy and are they, realistically, aligned with hers, or is there a mismatch. Be very honest with yourself about your compatibility in all aspects of a relationship. Be realistic about how hard it is to change truly, for both her and yourself.
If you still feel the same in a few months, you can always contact her then to check in and see how she feels then.

Original poster
SouthernGuy · 21/05/2025 18:20

Thank you for your reply. I’m looking for clarification so it can help me heal & recognise the behaviours earlier in future.

I was baffled as she had been in a long term relationship before, so wasn’t sure what I had done for her not to commit to me after saying all of those things to me

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthernGuy · 21/05/2025 18:32

Lifeoflemons · 21/05/2025 18:19

I think this is hard to answer with the information provided. Her behaviour could be avoidant or could be completely understandable and normal dependent on what exactly happened between you during the relationship. The devil is in the details.

What were the intense fights about that made her want to exit the relationship, how did you communicate during these fights. Especially considering the relationship wasn't that long yet (unless I've misunderstood), why did you already face such difficulty at the start. Is there a compatibility issue? Misaligned expectations?

Also as per pp, bereavement can be very hard on people to deal with and she clearly needed some space to process this for herself, but it sounds like you were unhappy about this and kept trying to "organise" things, despite her needing some distance.
When you spent time together does she feel like anything is expected of her, simple example but the house may have been a mess and the fridge might be empty, she may have not felt she was able to do anything about it as too overwhelmed with grief, so wouldn't feel comfortable hosting you?

You pushing for more contact whilst she didn't have the headspace for it may have felt quite suffocating to her. How did you react to her seeking distance? Did you express upset, frustration or merely reassured her you were there for her?

About her saying those things when seeing you last: Sometimes we can be madly in love with someone and still worry that the relationship is not actually right for us, causing a conflict between heart and head. When we see that person we yearn for them and want the happy ending so much, but you can't keep pushing away the doubts and concerns you feel deep down.

So sometimes the only thing that can provide clarity in such a situation is some space away from each other to reflect on the situation objectively.

If you are truly right for each other the love will still be there, but you might both need to do some healing and work on self for some time before you can have a healthy dynamic together.

Respect her request for space right now, use the time to reflect on your own expectations and actions in the relationship and if they are healthy and are they, realistically, aligned with hers, or is there a mismatch. Be very honest with yourself about your compatibility in all aspects of a relationship. Be realistic about how hard it is to change truly, for both her and yourself.
If you still feel the same in a few months, you can always contact her then to check in and see how she feels then.

Edited

we lived apart (long distance - roughly 1hr30-2 hours). Our talking during the week was texting and face to face on a weekend day, or a week day. The fallouts were nothing too serious. Expectation was put on me to move things quicker my end, so I could be with her, but things like that take time (work, family etc). I think she saw it that j wasn’t serious. I always respected the space when she wanted it & gave her time to come back to me if she wanted, to which she did every time. She didn’t want us to end. I only tried to organise things after she gave me the green light that she wanted to see me. Maybe I was making her feel suffocated, but was only acting on what she said.

I don’t think I will be reaching out. I think that will need to come from her end if she wants to try again, as I don’t want to needlessly open old wounds that I may of healed In that time.

I just have so many doubts in my head that did she even mean anything she said to me & I really don’t want that to cause further trust issues with new relationships.

OP posts:
FutureCatMum · 21/05/2025 18:45

I agree with you not reaching out. I always did to resolve conflict and he never acknowledged his behaviour or the impact on me. And kept doing it. Whilst saying all the things your ex said to you about living a life together.
I left him and never heard from him again (many months on). So I know he never meant a thing he said.
Check out the personal development school on instagram. That was enlightening for me.

Original poster
SouthernGuy · 21/05/2025 18:58

FutureCatMum · 21/05/2025 18:45

I agree with you not reaching out. I always did to resolve conflict and he never acknowledged his behaviour or the impact on me. And kept doing it. Whilst saying all the things your ex said to you about living a life together.
I left him and never heard from him again (many months on). So I know he never meant a thing he said.
Check out the personal development school on instagram. That was enlightening for me.

Maybe he did mean it, but hasn’t reached out for fear of being rejected by you?

I can’t go with the thought of her not meaning it. It will mentally kill me and hinder me in future relationships

OP posts:
FutureCatMum · 21/05/2025 19:12

If you think someone is your life partner, you try. You apologise. You put some effort in. Make changes. But it was always me doing that and never him.
If fear of rejection was scarier than reaching out to apologise, I’m better off without him.
You sound so much like me when I first left.
Give yourself some time and you’ll see more of the red flags that might not be as apparent now.

Original poster
SouthernGuy · 25/05/2025 09:33

FutureCatMum · 21/05/2025 18:45

I agree with you not reaching out. I always did to resolve conflict and he never acknowledged his behaviour or the impact on me. And kept doing it. Whilst saying all the things your ex said to you about living a life together.
I left him and never heard from him again (many months on). So I know he never meant a thing he said.
Check out the personal development school on instagram. That was enlightening for me.

She reached out last night to tell me about something regarding her child that she knew I would have cared about.

OP posts:
Letstheriveranswer · 25/05/2025 09:42

Sometimes you can really love someone and be in love with them, but the dynamics just aren't right and it will just cause you more pain and damage to continue. All you can do is close the door with love and walk away. Which is incredibly hard. But you cannot be in a relationship unless both people want to be in it, and it sounds like she is not in that place currently.
Her avoidance may be innate or it may be caused by the grief. But no matter what the cause, it is there and all you can do is deal with what is in front of you at the moment.

Original poster
SouthernGuy · 25/05/2025 09:57

Letstheriveranswer · 25/05/2025 09:42

Sometimes you can really love someone and be in love with them, but the dynamics just aren't right and it will just cause you more pain and damage to continue. All you can do is close the door with love and walk away. Which is incredibly hard. But you cannot be in a relationship unless both people want to be in it, and it sounds like she is not in that place currently.
Her avoidance may be innate or it may be caused by the grief. But no matter what the cause, it is there and all you can do is deal with what is in front of you at the moment.

Yes, I agree with this. I’m just going to shut the door and if this is meant to be, it will happen again in the future when we’ve both grown

OP posts:
FutureCatMum · 25/05/2025 10:24

That sounds like a sensible response. Unless she apologised and acknowledged her behaviour, you risk accepting crumbs and getting back into the same dynamic.

Original poster
SouthernGuy · 25/05/2025 10:47

FutureCatMum · 25/05/2025 10:24

That sounds like a sensible response. Unless she apologised and acknowledged her behaviour, you risk accepting crumbs and getting back into the same dynamic.

Just said that I was proud of her and that was it.

OP posts:
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