I'm so sorry this is such a long post but I have no one I can ask for advice as I don't want my friends and family giving me advice.
I have been with my DH 24 years married for 17. We have 4 children aged between 22 and 12.
He's always been a big drinker.
15 or so years ago I caught him inappropriately mesging a Co worker, he blamed being drunk. I forgave him and he moved to a different department.
Fast forward another 5 years and during a work night out when I was his lift from the party I turned up to see him and another coworker kissing, again he blamed the drink. I fled and came home.
I confronted him and again I forgave him and he moved again to a different place of work.
You guessed it fast forward again another few years I caught him sexting another co worker, he again blamed the drink, this time Iost it and chucked him out and we separated for almost a year, he blamed the drink and got help and reduced his drinking massively and again moved jobs. I began to enjoy socialising and drinking with him again, and we gave it another go.
Fast forward to Monday he was out on a works night out in another town, he left at 12 midday and arrived at the pub of starting around 1.30pm.
He was to get the train home and I was collecting him from the train station.
He agreed he'd get the 9 or 10 pm train to be home for 10pm or 11pm because I was at work for 7am he didn't take a key because I was picking him up.
We didn't msg much throughout the day, he was socialising and I was at work.
I msged asking if he knew what train he'd be getting back at 9.30pm so I knew for getting him. He replied soon and they he'd text when on the train.
I had no reply at all, I tried calling over the next hour or so and whatsapping him as the last train home was 11pm.
I heard nothing from him so at 11.30 I called again and got no answer so I decided to drive over to the train station for the last train at midnight thinking he was on it and drunk.
The train came and went without him.
Worried something had happened I tried calling a few times and he eventually picked up the phone but didn't say hello.... So I listened as he'd accidentally picked up the phone. I could hear a male colleague ask what time I was expecting him home and he replied "dunno fck her" he then mumbled that I had been calling to which a female coworker said "don't answer, fck her get another drink."
I was so upset and fuming.
He eventually rolled in just after 2. I left him to go to bed.
Spent all night stewing.
Last night I expressed my feelings to which he apologised lots and said it wasn't like that and it was banter. And I was reading too much into it, she's the same age as our son.
Now I want to belive him but it's stirred up all the old feelings again and I feel sick and worried that history will repeat itself. I love him very much and for the most we are happy as far as I know. And I want to belive him and I want to not feel uneasy but I just can't shake the feeling.
Any advice please x
I know most will say leave but it's not as easy as that I can't afford my home on my own and have nothing saved to start me again, I work from home so losing my home would be losing my job, a job I love very much and have spent years building.
Thank you x