DH works away a lot. Has done since he started his career. I’ve always been ok with it. We’ve got children, one with a disability. I was happy to step back and raise the children. The youngest one who’s disabled needs me 24hrs a day. Over time I’ve accrued fantastic carers who help me so I can take the other two out. They’re all older now, and despite it all, it’s getting easier! I’ve fought for my son’s negligence case and he’s due compensation which will make life easier all round in terms of being able to have more care hours to free me up! I’ve kept myself fit, I like to look after myself and treat myself to manicures/facials. I work 24hrs 365 days a year like any mother but I do look after myself more so in the last few years as the children are older. My DH works away and has done for years. Over time I’ve taken on the children/home and I’ve encouraged him to work, take the jobs, go out there, travel with his job, sometimes for months. I suppose I’ve tried to do it all, to make up for how complex life can be with a child with disabilities. I’ve taken on the bulk of childcare, telling myself it’s for the greater good and we live a very good life, want for nothing etc.
The last few years DH’s job has been longer times away - this current stint is 10 weeks! Of course I get sad about it more so when the children are little as it was very hard but now the older two are Independent it’s easier with my youngest, they’re great company and they help when they can ( though it’s never been their responsibility) DH for the last few years has struggled coming home and going from working at a 100mph to not. Home life is as calm as I can make it with support from carers. I’m blessed as the team of women I have are angels and I rarely miss out on things as they love my son and I treat them with respect and love and overall have nurtured a great relationship that it makes my life easier! DH struggles coming back, he gets low, moody, he loves his job, he says it gives him self worth, he feels good, and as he’s so busy he has no time to get anxious, he’s just in autopilot. The problem is he makes it obvious when he’s home he’s unhappy. He drinks too much, gets morose, I try to be upbeat, I refuse to be woe betide me about our youngest child, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I couldn’t care less about his disabilities, I’ve secured him his future financially so he’ll always have care, a home, support and anything he needs to make his life easier. I did it all myself as my DH struggled with his birth and the injury - he fell apart while I just soldered on as mothers do. I didnt disregard DH’s feelings over it, but I tried to find the positives out of all the stress. I was determined to get through it, my DH struggled, I could only help him so much as I was caring for three children. Over time DH has used his job to escape, I know this, but recently he’s getting more and more adverse to coming home. He said he’s ashamed but he’s more comfortable in his work world then at home. He says his feelings have changed about me, he’s raked up past arguments and making me feel I’ve been a dragon of a wife… when all I’ve done is support him in his career, raised our children, kept the home, cared for our disabled child. Yes when the children were little we rowed over usual stuff being tired etc but no more then anyone else? I’ve got a temper and I’m not a walkover so I’ll argue a point, but not to the extent of being a total cow… honestly! And I was deep in the trenches of looking after kids…. He was home then gone again home and the away… I had no choice but to be routined with the kids, I was a sole parent for most of the time! He’s hurt me terribly by saying he’s unhappy, he feels like his feelings has changed, he loves his job, he knows he’s not been a great husband/dad and feels guilty he’s worked away so much and that he prefers working away as much as he does. I’m here finally being able to breathe again now the kids are older and life is easier and now he’s not happy. He’s away now so all this is via messages and phone calls. He’s distant, I could sense it a few years back, but he was busy and so was I, you get used to being apart and in my case, I’d get on with it and look forward to him coming home only for him to come home miserable!
Am I an idiot? I love him. Is this the script? I feel so shaky and lost. I’ve dealt with loads over the years but this has floored me and I don’t know what to do? I don’t think he’s having an affair but I’ve read enough on MN to know that could be a possibility.