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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I message him again, or leave it?

36 replies

bananasarent · 21/05/2025 12:14

Reposted to remove identifying info..

I should preface this by making it clear that I am a massive over thinker so I appreciate most people will tell me I'm doing this here..

I went on one date with a guy I'd met on a dating app literally 2 days before 2020 lockdown. Good date, wasn't sure if I fancied him but would have seen him again. I got the impression he was keen on me. Then ofc the whole world went crazy and neither of us messaged again (after the initial "got home safe" etc) It would have been on me to do so tbf I think as he'd messaged last but there wasn't as such anything to reply to. I think I probably deleted him after a few weeks or something as I was very impatient back then too with dating! This is just the background so you know how we met.

5 years passed, I've been in relationships etc since (2 serious) and not thought much of it. I'm now single again recently and a (male) friend of mine ended up on a night out with this guy. There's a vaguely identifying reason why my friend recognised the name/person but otherwise it's a crazy coincidence. Anyway, I thought what a weird coincidence/maybe a sign as I'm single now and thought I've got nothing to lose by messaging him, asked if he remembered me and told him about the weird coincidence with my friend being out with him etc.

He remembered and we had a bunch of messages almost non stop from my first message but he was heading abroad for work. He's already dropped into conversation that he was only in the UK for 2 days in the rest of the month (not usually this busy though - back to normal in June). Those 2 days are this weekend but he's got a big event for pleasure on one day and another event for work on the next day, before he's off abroad again.

After a couple of days of messaging I made a joke about is this a pen pal thing or if he ever going to ask me out again and he replied haha and that he's back in June for a drink. He then (before I'd responded to the idea of waiting until June!) sent me a long message setting out his crazy schedule of flights etc for work. I do believe it all. We had some banter about if I'd still be available after 2 weeks etc and I'd let him know if I wanted to join the waitlist etc! It was all light hearted and he said it's not the case of a waitlist but he's literally can't go on dates but he's available in June if I fancy it. We said goodnight late on Mon night.

So.. do I now just leave it as the ball is fully in his court? I feel like if I messaged again he'd be very responsive and reply quickly (as he has done previously) but I'm kinda cautious about not creating too much of a false sense of intimacy as he's very responsive and easy to talk to. I also don't want to look too keen seeing as I reached out initially first to him and then I also ended up being the one to suggest a date! (Although I do think maybe he was deliberately NOT suggesting one as he couldn't until June..!) Maybe I could message on Fri and just check in how his week's been? I feel like I either need to message fairly soon to keep the momentum going or I need to leave it completely until he messages.. either now or in June..

Final note: Yes, I'm sure he's single, Yes, I believe the schedule issued and Yes I believe it's just a crazy few weeks and his schedule isn't always like this!
TIA and please be kind!

OP posts:
CrackSpackle · 21/05/2025 12:16

What would be the point of dating someone who is available so seldom?

Philandbill · 21/05/2025 12:18

Leave it. If he's interested he will be in touch. If you've got a spare evening watch the film ,"He's Just Not That Into You". 😀

inkognitha · 21/05/2025 12:18

Wait, you have played it very well so far (much better than most women here), don’t go undermine your position
But on the other side, he doesn’t seem very available with all his travels, so even if you are keen on each other, maybe he won’t be able to offer much
best of luck OP

Fadesto · 21/05/2025 12:19

If you believe the schedule then he’s been very responsive, asked you out, apologised for it being so far in the future, explained himself and youve said you dunno if you will be available.
so I don’t think txting him again would be out of place or too desperate

that said, you went on a date and never bothered to contact each other again afterwards, and even now you’re not sure about contacting him. Either youre (both?) just playing games that maybe you should stop it youre (both?) not that into it.

bananasarent · 21/05/2025 12:24

Fadesto · 21/05/2025 12:19

If you believe the schedule then he’s been very responsive, asked you out, apologised for it being so far in the future, explained himself and youve said you dunno if you will be available.
so I don’t think txting him again would be out of place or too desperate

that said, you went on a date and never bothered to contact each other again afterwards, and even now you’re not sure about contacting him. Either youre (both?) just playing games that maybe you should stop it youre (both?) not that into it.

Tbf the Covid time was crazy and very unnerving (I think people forget this) We've actually chatted about what happened and why neither of us planned another date and both agreed we think we were just both so stunned with the lockdown/world situation at the time as it happened so quickly that it was basically because of that.

I feel like he could have ignored my first message or been less responsive to begin with if he wasn't keen to restart something..

But the end of your first message does actually have me pondering a bit if the banter (which I do believe was well received) might have switched it into him thinking "Well ok so she's not actually said yes to the date idea in June so maybe I should leave it to her to reach out again..")

Argh you can tell I'm such an overthinker 😂

OP posts:
bananasarent · 21/05/2025 12:27

Philandbill · 21/05/2025 12:18

Leave it. If he's interested he will be in touch. If you've got a spare evening watch the film ,"He's Just Not That Into You". 😀

ha, I was thinking this - maybe he's just not that into me... but we met once 5 years ago and he has one tiny social media picture of me to even see what I look like now.. so it's a bit difficult for him to be that into me really...at least if we'd reconnected on a dating app I'd feel like he's seen a variety of pics about me/what I'm like etc and refreshed his memory a bit more ha.. he must have been relatively keen though based on that one photo he has of me!?

OP posts:
bananasarent · 21/05/2025 12:28

CrackSpackle · 21/05/2025 12:16

What would be the point of dating someone who is available so seldom?

as I said.. it's only until June that he's quite so crazy busy.. shouldn't be as bad after that..

OP posts:
faerietales · 21/05/2025 12:30

My first thought on reading this was “what in earth is the bloody point?”

S0j0urn4r · 21/05/2025 13:40

Kindly: you are overthinking. If he's interested he'll be in touch. Move on.

Koazy · 21/05/2025 13:42

I would message but I like to know what's going on

queenofshera · 21/05/2025 14:33

Tbh if I liked him, I’d have replied nailing down a time and place for whatever date in June he mentioned. I don’t like not knowing or game playing and I like a clear plan so I can organise my diary! If you want to see him again can you just message to say enjoy your work travels, just checked and I’m free on X of June, where shall we eat/drink?

Genevie82 · 21/05/2025 15:10

faerietales · 21/05/2025 12:30

My first thought on reading this was “what in earth is the bloody point?”

Yes, this. Pots on the boil OP. Men never hang about when they are really interested in you. Im SURE he could make time in his busy schedule to see you IF he really wanted. This is a waste of your time and he’s just enjoying the flattery whilst properly knocking someone else off in the background.

something2say · 21/05/2025 15:17

I would not bother messaging this guy. What for?

Firstly, it should be on him to chase you. If he is that interested, he will do.

BUT why would he be interested in you if he is just about to go and work overseas? He won't be able to see you will he so what would it be for?

And I have to ask you the same - what's in this for you? A half arsed 'is he / isn't he' load of bullshit that will have you chained to your phone and missing this lovely summer?

Go outside and have FUN and just be you and wait for someone to come up and say, 'I really like you, can we meet up?'

I really would not chase this guy - it will be a complete waste of your time. Wish him well and look for a proper normal relationship with someone who isn't going on an adventure - do not propose yourself to be a person he doesn't know attempting to call him back to meet up or go out and meet him when you don't even know him and can't get to know him normally. Don't open your heart up to someone who is not even looking. Don't even go on the meet up. Get dressed up for what? To over think about someone who isn't available?

Unless that is your thing of course, and you are secretly too scared to chance it and this half measure will keep you safe and pretending.... ;)

Lindy2 · 21/05/2025 15:25

Well June isn't that far away.

Just carry on with your life and if he messages when he's back about going for a drink reply then.

If you want to see him message " yes, sure. It would be nice to see you. Where shall we meet?"

If you don't want to see him message "thanks for getting in touch but on second thoughts I don't think meeting up is a good idea."

No need to overthink.

bananasarent · 21/05/2025 15:38

something2say · 21/05/2025 15:17

I would not bother messaging this guy. What for?

Firstly, it should be on him to chase you. If he is that interested, he will do.

BUT why would he be interested in you if he is just about to go and work overseas? He won't be able to see you will he so what would it be for?

And I have to ask you the same - what's in this for you? A half arsed 'is he / isn't he' load of bullshit that will have you chained to your phone and missing this lovely summer?

Go outside and have FUN and just be you and wait for someone to come up and say, 'I really like you, can we meet up?'

I really would not chase this guy - it will be a complete waste of your time. Wish him well and look for a proper normal relationship with someone who isn't going on an adventure - do not propose yourself to be a person he doesn't know attempting to call him back to meet up or go out and meet him when you don't even know him and can't get to know him normally. Don't open your heart up to someone who is not even looking. Don't even go on the meet up. Get dressed up for what? To over think about someone who isn't available?

Unless that is your thing of course, and you are secretly too scared to chance it and this half measure will keep you safe and pretending.... ;)

Thanks, but I think you've misread my OP.. he's not working abroad for any length of time in future. Just these few weeks there are work reasons why he's abroad - he'll be back in the same city as me in June onwards!

OP posts:
something2say · 21/05/2025 15:41

Oh I see!! Sorry. Well, wait to see how keen he is then, but keep your light on for other people to meet - good luck!

CharlotteSometimes1 · 21/05/2025 15:42

What was the last message and who sent it?

bananasarent · 21/05/2025 15:43

Genevie82 · 21/05/2025 15:10

Yes, this. Pots on the boil OP. Men never hang about when they are really interested in you. Im SURE he could make time in his busy schedule to see you IF he really wanted. This is a waste of your time and he’s just enjoying the flattery whilst properly knocking someone else off in the background.

I feel a tiny bit like this - like he could make time on the 2 days he is back.. but equally the events he has are one big all day event where he'd likely be drinking and maybe not ideal to meet in the evening, if he were even around in time, and the second one is work in another part of the country (a few hours from us) so, again, I feel like he could suggest doing something that evening when he's back from it.. but equally he'll probably be knackered (and the day after that he's away flying again!

He has said himself (before any chats about a date) how these few weeks are manic for him and he thinks he's packed too much in/it's a bit too much... which I guess is fair enough.

I need to try and control my overthinking and just focus on other stuff for now. I'll consider in a couple of days if I message asking how this trip was... or if I just totally leave it for him to get in touch.

Thanks all

OP posts:
atamlin · 21/05/2025 15:47

Leave it for him to get in touch in June. Don’t push it as you’ll seem desperate. There is a reason (not COVID) why you didn’t get back in touch five years ago. COVID didn’t cause phone lines to shut down, you just weren’t that interested in him! Now that you’re newly single again, you’re looking back on old chances missed and this one has stuck out to you because your friend was out with him.

MeganM3 · 21/05/2025 15:48

I’d definitely leave it for now. He might reach out, but if he’s genuinely this busy he might not, he is focused on work right now and that’s got no reflection on you or how lovely / desirable you are. So don’t overthink it if he doesn’t contact.

If you’re still thinking about him in 2 - 3 weeks time, text. Allow some space for him to chase and /or for things to calm down his end.

category12 · 21/05/2025 15:51

If you're going to message him, wait until June.

No point now.

bananasarent · 21/05/2025 15:52

CharlotteSometimes1 · 21/05/2025 15:42

What was the last message and who sent it?

I'd said I was falling asleep (after we'd been chatting for a few hours) so I needed to sleep but it had been nice chatting etc but then made a joke about not being impressed his answer to my earlier q [about if he's looking for a pen pal or was going to ask me on a date] was "long term pen pals"

he then said "haha I said I'll be back in June for a drink around XXXX"
"or elsewhere, I'm easy"

me: [joke related to the 2 week wait and something identifying about his work]
me: Night!

him: haha. Anyway, I'll be available then if you fancy it!
him: Night!

And I "liked"/hearted his last 2 messages (saying he's available then if I fancy it and the one saying "night")

You're now going to tell me I've been really hard work aren't you? I mean, I do genuinely think we have the same sense of humour and he was ok with me joking about the 2 week wait etc but I am realising now that I made two jokes/digs about the wait in our last few messages so maybe it was a tad much😳😬

OP posts:
bananasarent · 21/05/2025 15:53

atamlin · 21/05/2025 15:47

Leave it for him to get in touch in June. Don’t push it as you’ll seem desperate. There is a reason (not COVID) why you didn’t get back in touch five years ago. COVID didn’t cause phone lines to shut down, you just weren’t that interested in him! Now that you’re newly single again, you’re looking back on old chances missed and this one has stuck out to you because your friend was out with him.

possibly true.. I wasn't sure if I fancied him enough... but he's also acquired a more distinguished look about him (aka he's aged 5 years ha) and I feel more attracted to him than I did then 😆

OP posts:
MaisieMouse87 · 21/05/2025 15:53

You were the one who already reached out to him. For it to be equal interest on both sides, he should be the one instigating a meeting time and place otherwise you're chasing him.

CharlotteSometimes1 · 21/05/2025 15:56

If this run of messages has been over a period of days then I think a how’s it going kind of text would be fine, but if this was all on the same day as your first message then, nope, leave it.

fellow overthinker here