Is it controlling

[CK1272]

Bear with me, it’s a long one but I really have no one to speak to.
been with my partner for 10 years and we have kids. He doesn’t like me going out and drinking, back last year I had a work night out and drank a lot and my boss’s husband and myself never got let back into the bar (just very drunk, nothing what so ever bad in this) so we went to another bar close by until everyone’s taxis came (my boss was even there and suggested this to myself and her husband because the weather was awful and needed shelter) I explained all this to my partner and he absolutely lost it saying I shouldn’t have did this, even though we only went for shelter from the rain until said taxis came. Since then I haven't been allowed to drink with any of my work friends, I have never once did anything wrong when drinking with these people, I am a very happy drunk and never cause harm to anyone. I now have a work night coming up and I am so anxious to tell him because he will absolutely lose it, I very rarely drink only on occasion and each time I’m made to feel bad about something even when I know I’ve did nothing wrong. We had a wedding recently, everything was great until I was up dancing with family and he was angry that I left him sitting on his own for a while. Can I just add, I have never known anything different to the relationship I’m in now, we’ve dated from school so I have nothing to compare it to so I don’t know if this is acceptable or whether it’s a bit controlling? I always ask his permission to do anything but again, I don’t know if this is normal because it’s all I’ve ever known? Please give me some advice.

OP, I take it you arrived home very drunk and your DH wasn’t happy about it. There could be many reasons for this. Does he drink himself? Does he have family or friends who are alcoholics? Did he worry that you might be in no fit state to carry out family responsibilities the next day? Was it that you stayed out much longer than he was expecting? What was he actually upset about? Why will he “lose” it if you go out on a work night do? Does he think you will get drunk and out of control and he doesn’t like this? Does he worry about how you might behave with one of your work colleagues? Clearly, you are upsetting him in some way, and it’s hard to comment on whether or not he is being controlling without knowing what it is that has caused him to be upset.

so I don’t know if this is acceptable or whether it’s a bit controlling? I always ask his permission to do anything but again, I don’t know if this is normal because it’s all I’ve ever known?

Yes its controlling.

You're not his property or his child, you're an adult woman. You don't need his permission to go out or anything.

It's normal to say "I'm going out with work [on such and such night] next week, does that clash with anything you're doing?" But that's just a heads-up, not asking permission. It's not his decision.

sesquipedalian
no he very rarely drinks like myself, no alcoholics in the family, I was home for 9pm as we always have booked taxis for this time on any work day out. I don’t get hangovers so it doesn’t affect responsibilities the next day. As I said I am always a very happy drinker, I don’t cause harm to anyone or let anything turn sour otherwise I would not drink or I’d leave.

Well, getting very drunk with your boss's husband, being barred from the works do and then going alone with this bloke to another bar wasn't exactly a good look. Your excuse of "Just sheltering from the rain" was pretty pathetic too.

Yes I always give notice whenever I have an event coming up, every time, it’s never last minute. I know he will probably stop me from going to this work day out, or if I do go I will be anxious the whole time and then I don’t know if it’s worth going because I’ll be on edge all night to what I’ll come home to

This is a little OTT but I don’t really disagree with it.

If this was a woman posting that the same happened to her husband I’m pretty sure there would be uproar.

He's no right to stop you going to a work social, or any other event you want to attend. He's not your dad. You're supposed to be equal partners.

It's very controlling.

What would you come home to? It sounds like you may be in an abusive relationship.

There's going for a drink and there's getting so pissed you get barred. Could you find a happy medium there?

If reversed, it still wouldn't give the wife the right to decide whether her husband could go out or not.

“he will probably stop me from going to this work day out”

This is not OK, OP. You are an adult woman, and if you want to go out, especially if it’s a works do, then you should be able to. I assume you enable him to go out if he wants or needs to? If he doesn’t like you coming home drunk, though - you say he “very rarely drinks himself” - then try and cut down a bit on the drinking. It is very dull if you are stone cold sober, having to deal with someone who is silly-drunk (or worse).

you say he “very rarely drinks himself” - then try and cut down a bit on the drinking. It is very dull if you are stone cold sober, having to deal with someone who is silly-drunk (or worse).

Or you know, she can get silly-drunk once in a while as a grown adult who can decide for herself and he can just not like it very much for an evening.

Obviously if it was all the time and OPs was a problem drinker, then it's an issue she'd need to deal with. But I don't see why she shouldn't be able to let her hair down occasionally if she wants.

S0j0urn4r
ive asked for a middle ground, me making sure I have a limit, and him allowing me to go out as a grown woman. This was a one off very drunk time, purely because I didn’t eat, I don’t ever get myself exceptionally drunk and I wouldn’t do it again because I don’t want to have the same situation occur so yes if I did recognise I was very drunk and I know I wouldn’t do it again then I don’t understand why I’m not able to prove that. If I was in these states every other weekend I would absolutely understand and would put a stop to it, but I go out and let my hair down 3 maybe 4 times a year

@CK1272 you do not have to ask anyone’s permission to go out.
You’re not a dc, you're an autonomous woman.
If my dh told me I couldn’t do something I would do it to prove I could.

and him allowing me to go out

Just go out. It's not up to him.

If you keep asking permission and acting like he gets to decide for you, you're buying into his absolute nonsense.