Funeral and NC relative will be there

[Bananas1827]

Got a funeral to attend which is my DH’s grandmother. I’ve had various issues (particularly subtle pushing of boundaries) with my mother in law who will be there. I went NC with her some time ago and felt relief after this decision and so much better for my mental health and family life.

Feeling really anxious about being in a room with her, she tends to pretend everything is ok when really there is underlying upset. How do I deal with this best? I want to be there to pay my respects and also be there with DH and children.

Is the funeral your MILs mother?

@TooGoodToGoto Yes it is

Just stay in the background and be civil. If you can't do that then it would be better not to go and let your DH go alone.

Her mother has just died. I doubt she'll be sparing you much thought. I find it strange that you're making the funeral about you.

You go and pretend there's no underlying upset.

You support your dh and concentrate on that role.

Imagine losing your own mum and try to empathise. Probably avoid being alone with her, but it's unlikely that will happen.

Maybe have an alternative way of getting home without dh, so dh can stay longer and you can go if things get awkward.

Well she’ll be dealing with that, just be respectful and let her grieve.

It's her mum's funeral. Cut her some slack. She isn't likely to be prioritising her relationship with you that day. Your DH's priority needs to be his mum on a day of grief like that, so long as you are OK, so your role is to make sure that you and DC are OK so that DH can do what he needs to. Stay in the background. Be respectful. Don't start or engage in any conversations about past wrongs - have a stock phrase of "that's not something to dwell on today is it, let's put that aside and remember the good times with (deceased)".

If you think there's a real chance of things turning ugly, make a plan with DH for what will happen so that he can stay but you and DC don't need to - eg you'll take the car and take the kids for a McDonald's/icecream/run around a playpark, and will return to pick him up when he is ready.

Kindly, she'll be focusing on dealing with the loss of her mother. She won't be thinking about your relationship, she's likely just looking to get through the funeral without any drama so she can grieve.

She’s dealing with the death of her mother - follow her lead and pretend everything is okay between you.

For a day like that, I agree with others, just roll with it, especially because you want to attend. If you ignore her or play games you will look bad infront of her entire family.

Shes unlikely to try and interact with you - she will be focused on getting through the day and speaking to her blood family. You won’t be her focus at all. I wouldn’t overthink it.

You deal with it by bearing in mind that she has just lost her Mother.