Want to end it after 23 yrs

[Bigchangescoming]

Hi all

Don't know what I'm looking for with this thread tbh, bit of practical advice or support or "good on you" replies or whatever.

Been with DP 23 years, both mid 40's with 2 DS 13 and 16.

I decided last year after a horrific argument where he was just vile to me that I'd had enough of his shit. But DS1 was starting his GCSE year so I've waited.

We're just not good for each other and have become such different people now. He's moody, miserable, great Dad in some ways but the miserableness is like a toxic cloud over us. He treats me like shit. The only time he's ever nice is a day or two after we've had sex

Im the main earner with a professional job, most big spending falls to me which is a tough responsibility, hes the type to never do overtime, never took opportunities to learn more in his job to progress a bit and earn more. Moans about his job constantly, has controversial views that i disagree with that infuriates him. Constantly drags me down saying how old we are..... I could go on.

It's getting nearer and I'm getting quite excited but also worried, I can afford the mortgage on my own but I'd have to buy him out obviously. I think it will get quite nasty even though I'm very much of the view that none if us are to blame we're just not good together (that's not quite true, I genuinely believe he is the problem but it won't be helpful to point fingers).

I think DC will be ok, they're old enough to understand. I worry about DS2 reaction more as I think DS1 'gets,' it but they are pretty close so hoping they'll help each other too.

Any wise words anyone who's been there?

What would be the plus sides if you stayed with him?
This might be a rethorical question because tbh from your post, i don’t see many.

Your kids will be fine and adjust. It sounds like they might even be relieved as the toxic cloud over them will be lifted. Don’t underestimate how much that is affecting them.

I divorced when mine where 6 and 11 and 4 years on, everyone is totally fine. Like you, i also worried about the impact on them.

He sounds intolerable tbh. He can’t be great dad and toxic presence at the same time. ‘Great dad’ because prrhaps it appears like your kids notice nothing and are not affected, which usually is not the case.

Do you think he’ll agree to leave the house OP? Have you a plan B if he doesn’t?

Struggling to think of plus sides right now tbh apart from practical ones like putting the bins out and picking bits up from the shop 😔

Tbh when I say great Dad I think I just mean "he's a dad", the stuff he does - occasionally dropping them off places (never picks up tho as its usually later and he wants a drink, he is a functioning alcoholic) takes one to a club type thing is just, well, below bare minimum i guess now I've typed it out.

Not really thought about him refusing to leave the house. That is a possibility tbh, he's going to assume I'm cheating and in his head that will be why I'm ending it BUT I don't think he'll want to put the boys at any detriment by staying in what will be a shit environment for them. He has somewhere he could go and live for free anyway. Plus, he'll want to be the victim here so he would probably revel in the "she ended it and kicked me out" line

If not I'll have to think about moving out and discuss whete the boys main home will be but there's no way he could pay the bills etc on his own.

I have options I could offer him I think - you go and I won't come after you for any CM etc, clean break take the buy out money and just go type thing.

Aware some of that sounds like a drip feed, not intended!!

No advice but I often think of doing the same and I've a similar aged kids. He's the main breadwinner though and I don't think he'd leave

@Newname25 OP is the main breadwinner here.

As you are that, consider the possibility that he will come after your pension and you also have to declare your income etc when splitting financially and court looks into that. We had that, i was in a stronger position financially (not that my ex was incapable if earning good money, he was, just decided he didn’t want to put financial stability first. Financial incompatibility was a big factor in our divorce) and court has questioned that. Luckily for me, our divorce was quite amicable (if there is such a thing) and he confirmed he was happy with the split we had between us, e.g. me buying him out and also paying monthly a little bit towards DS who at the time was spending more time with him (different story). This might work out different for you.

Get some legal advice as well as there might be point that you haven’t thought about. Where would the boys want to stay more if you split? They are at ages where their say will matter too, it’s different to when kids are little and it sort if defaults to 50/50. Who would be covering/has been covering their expenses? A lot to think about.

We're not married thankfully.

I have a work pal who knows a mortgage advisor, going to get the number today and start looking at options.

I'm 99% sure the boys will want to stay with me most of the time, I'll be sad to not see them even just a couple of days a week when they go to see their Dad but I just can't go on anymore and it's not a good vibe for them

Sounds like medium term you’ll be fine and it’s definitely the right decision for you and the boys. Your issues are short term - but big ones if he can’t do this amicably: You say ‘I want you to go, I’ll pay you out of your house equity’ he says ‘no, I’m going nowhere’. You say ‘We’ll just sell then’ he says ‘I won’t agree to it’. Offering to not seek CM is something he probably would (and should) refuse - it’s something you could go after at any time. Hopefully you can reach an agreement but I think you may have to be prepared to walk away into rental, stop paying mortgage so that he has real financial incentive to sell / move out.

If you're not married you don't owe him anything. He might want to keep the children 50% to avoid CMS plus he might genuinely want to.