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Torn what to do.

13 replies

DaisyLou33 · 21/05/2025 06:27

I was with my boyfriend before for 3 years. Sex never really took off and then stopped due to ED. He said some critical remarks, dealt with it badly. However, he also used to promise it wasn't me, etc. Once, he did say "not going to lie sweetheart, probably would be different if you were Margot Robbie" at the end of the relationship, he said it was because he'd lost the spark/wasn't in love/the relationship was bad. All these reasons had been related to me that he put on me.

We had a year apart, we both had separate counselling and counselling together. Things are going amazing between us relationship wise. For 6 months we've actually been having sex. Then it's been a bit patchy and he spoke to me a couple days ago.

He said he wanted to be honest. That he knows he treated me so unfairly before and turned it on and was not a nice person but the sex thing is back. He thinks it's related to his bad back, etc. But he wanted to talk to me because he's not going to be doing the things he was for a bit while he figures it out. I said that's okay, just take it off the table for now. No pressure.

But inside, I know it might seem selfish I feel horrendous. I don't know if I can do this. I feel like everything I was so excited and happy about has just gone now. Like I have a timer on it, waiting to find out if the problem is me. Hes promising it's nothing to do with me but all I can think it's like before.

My instant reaction is to want to back away and protect myself, until he figures it out. But I know I should be supportive. But I just have this sick feeling that I am going to be waiting months for him to turn around and say actually yeah, it's because I'm not in love with you. Again.

What would you do.

OP posts:
Shweet · 21/05/2025 06:30

What I would do is dump him long ago and not gone back.

My instant reaction is to want to back away and protect myself, until he figures it out. But I know I should be supportive.
Who says you have to support him? He isn't your husband and father of your children to be so obligated to trying with him.

Why do you give him more power in the destiny of the relationship? You can do better.

PashaMinaMio · 21/05/2025 06:35

Walk away.
Hes tried to keep things going after your previous break up but the issue he had before has hit the fan again. His heart’s not in it,
He’s just too immature and weak to voice it so he’s making up excuses.

DaisyLou33 · 21/05/2025 06:36

Shweet · 21/05/2025 06:30

What I would do is dump him long ago and not gone back.

My instant reaction is to want to back away and protect myself, until he figures it out. But I know I should be supportive.
Who says you have to support him? He isn't your husband and father of your children to be so obligated to trying with him.

Why do you give him more power in the destiny of the relationship? You can do better.

Yeah, I should have dumped him back then for that.

But he's a much healthier person now and has worked really hard. He was trying to do the right by talking to me and being honest and it took a lot for him. Our relationship is really good now, we've worked hard together to get here.

I just don't know if this is an issue he's not to be on his own to figure out.

OP posts:
DaisyLou33 · 21/05/2025 06:39

PashaMinaMio · 21/05/2025 06:35

Walk away.
Hes tried to keep things going after your previous break up but the issue he had before has hit the fan again. His heart’s not in it,
He’s just too immature and weak to voice it so he’s making up excuses.

Do you think. Although it's coincided with him going off with his back and starting stronger drugs.

His actions in the relationship show he seems to be getting more serious, rather than less. Like he's wanting to stay more, he's helping around the house more etc. Counsellors have always told me to look at actions. He seems to be doing the opposite.

OP posts:
Piggled · 21/05/2025 06:51

I really wish women would stop thinking the bare minimum in relationships is ‘progress’.

he essentially blamed you for the fact he can’t get it up. That would have been the end for me.

you need to seriously work on your self esteem.

S0j0urn4r · 21/05/2025 08:27

You don't sound happy in this relationship so why are you in it?

Cuppachuchu · 21/05/2025 08:31

Just end it, it sounds like he's not remotely committed in any way. You've already given him too much of your time.

Hillrunning · 21/05/2025 08:37

Progress from really horrendous to fairly crappy, isn't really progress is it? You two are not well matched, it really isn't supposed to be such hard work, certainly not this early in.

Whiteflowerscreed · 21/05/2025 08:44

I think it’s gone past the point of return. You’re not excited by him any more and for good reason. End it and don’t flog a dead horse

RelapsedChocoholic · 21/05/2025 09:05

It’s not, and never was, you

It could absolutely be related his back issues, his Dr would need to advise on what could help

Your reaction is entirely understandable due to his previous behaviour.

Do you want to be in a relationship with this person? What if it remains sexless? (Back issues often reoccur)

What he said was clearly bullshit, he would’ve just been disappointing Margot Robbie if she was there
Would it help to find your anger at the comment, and work to move past that, rather than internalising his pettiness? (He was lashing out as he was embarrassed)

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/05/2025 09:35

Just end it. You’re not married and you don’t have kids, so why would you go to counselling with him? Dating is all about seeing if you’re compatible with someone. You want and deserve a loving physical relationship. He’s got problems that he’s blaming you for. Guess what? You’re not compatible!

Yes. Actions speak can louder than words but the bar for his actions seems very, very low. Him putting the bins out every now and then is never going to solve the many issues he clearly has.

End it. Move on. Be with someone who cherishes you. He is the one with the problems. You don’t need to solve them. Or get trashed by him as he works through them.

You don’t need this negative, pathetic heap of a man in your life. Run away and find someone who lifts you up not drags you down. Go and enjoy life!

category12 · 21/05/2025 09:46

So he's worked on himself, that's great - for him.

It'll stand him in good stead for his future.
Which doesn't have to be with you.

A relationship with you isn't owed to him.

You don't owe him more of your time & energy ... or more of your pain & self-esteem.

For goodness sake, put your own wellbeing first here.

The Margot Robbie crack was just fucking awful and a dumping offence on its own. He's not bloody Ryan Gosling himself, is he?

Dump.

80s · 21/05/2025 09:54

His actions in the relationship show he seems to be getting more serious, rather than less. Like he's wanting to stay more, he's helping around the house more etc.
More than what? What was the previous low bar that he is now marginally surpassing?

What would I do in your position? I would wonder if he's shagging someone else, but I would not put any energy into trying to find out, as I would not want a relationship that required this much work.

What happened in your childhood that you feel guilty if you don't do all this work on your relationship, support a partner who previously took pleasure in putting you down, etc.?

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