Difficult and stressful situation

[MyCheekyRoseFinch]

Totally stressed out and at the end of my limits and need some clarity as my mind can’t function properly at the moment. Husband of 15+ years and 4 children under 13. Found out he was messaging escorts, said he never went through with it but seems a lie (caught him lying a lot)No issues with me not being intimate, im very attentive and I look after my appearance, he just says he likes the thought of sex with other women. Anyway I went to counselling, he stopped. If I mention our situation rolls his eyes. We have a house renovation planned and have 100k split between both of our accounts for it. I’m having an operation in July which I need help for with the children (no other help). I also have to quit smoking for this operation. It all seems way too much and I can’t figure out what to do. He drinks heavily and disrespects me on a daily basic but turns on the charm to match his mega high sex drive. Feel like I’m used and just a housewife and sex object.

Sorry, what's the question? Are you thinking about leaving him?

Like he said, men who pay for sex have a fetish. It's got nothing to do with you or how much sex you have, they enjoy the experience of paying for sex.

He's probably been doing it for years and unlikely to stop. He's disrespectful and a heavy drinker so a terrible role model.

You have 50k, I know what I'd do.

ETA get an STD test asap.

Sorry yes. I’m not thinking straight and forgot to put a point to my post 😂🙈 I basically have no idea what to do and in what order

Why did you go for counselling? Doesn’t seem to be a ‘you’ problem.

What would you do? It’s the order of what to do I don’t know, eg how will I deal with my operation with no childcare, he will make everything very difficult for me x

Sounds awful op. Overload. Not sure what your wanting response wise but you know the answer. He disrespects you end of because unfortunately you have allowed it not your fault but really you need to stop having sex with him at all stop caring about this piece of 💩 stay while you recover then leave you know your worth more than this right. He tells you he wants sex with other women let him but not while he's still with you though he probably is...don't be a doormat show your kids how to respect themselves they will see what a woman is worth for any girl don't take it fir a boy it shows them women are to be treated with respect. The smoking they always tell you to stop for operations you don't have to but maybe see it as an opportunity to quit, you'll feel a million times better if you wanted. I only smoked a few cigarettes socially a day, quit because of allergies and wheezing well no wheezing anymore I think it's 6 years now and I can't stand the smell now knocks me sick. You have your own money start a fresh live your life. Hope your ok take 1 problem at a time. 1 get over op. 2 get ducks in a row seek legal advice. 3 dump his arse have a property ready etc.

So that I could understand why I have accepted this sort of behaviour and to set boundaries

Don't do anything until after the operation and don't say a word.
Gather up all financial documents eg pension, wages, savings, insurance, investments etc
Make a solicitor's appointment and get advice on divorce
Stop having sex with him and get an STD check
Get co parenting nailed down in court if you think he'll be difficult

Fear of abandonment is my guess. Childhood attachment issue. You need to see your enough feel strong enough to just be alone you only need you as your own best friend in this world others only enhance or should enhance our lives. Hope the therapist is making you feel stronger and worth more.

See a divorce lawyer on your own sometime soon to get an idea of what divorce will look like.

Get through the operation.
After recovery start the divorce.

In the meantime, stall on the renovation. Say you want to wait until you are fully recovered in August or later.

This!

I second that