How do I get over my feelings of low self esteem in my relationship?

[buckupbruce]

DP and I have been together 5 years. In that time, there’ve been many times where I’ve not felt like his priority. He’d prioritise going out with work friends, playing sports, training for marathons, spending time with his family, basically anything, over me. It was as though he just expected me to hang around waiting for him. I wanted to be ‘chosen’, to be prioritised and to have a proper partner/companion and feel part of a team.

I’ve raised the issue a few times in our relationship (he’s since said that he thought at the time I was being a bit needy and clingy) and things changed for a while but then over time drifted back. Things came to a head a few weeks ago after he did two massive sporting events in six days in two different international locations. An incredible achievement but one that kind of reinforced to me that he only thinks about what he wants to do.

I told him exactly how I’ve felt over the years - that I felt he was ashamed of me, he’d settled for me just to have ‘a/any’ partner, and that I’d considered moving out because I was so fed up of begging for crumbs of his attention. He was/has been devastated by this and maintains that he loves me completely, he just isn’t very good at showing it. He broke down in tears when I told him I’d looked at places to move out to. I think it was genuinely shocking to him how unhappy I’ve been.

I’ve always felt insecure and that he wasn’t over his ex when we first met, and would prefer someone prettier/sportier/more confident than I am. It’s a feeling that I just can’t shake, and his behaviour (walking ahead of me, pretty much ignoring me in favour of friends in social settings, turning off the lights and/or closing his eyes during sex 😔) kind of reinforced to me that I wasn’t his first choice - or it seemed that way to me, anyway. I couldn’t understand why he was with me. Since things reached a head a few weeks ago, he’s been adament that he’s never wanted me to be more anything, and he loves me more than anything, exactly how I am. But it feels like he’s never been able to show me that. He feels that he has to bottle up his emotions and has never been good at accepting compliments or affection, or initiating affection or intimacy.

His parents are married but live almost entirely separate lives and barely speak, so I think he’s seen it as OK to never put any effort into a relationship and that it’ll still rumble along. I don’t want that kind of marriage and have told him so.

I know that a massive part of this is my own lack of self esteem. If he says he loves me and works at it to really show me, and says that he loves me as I am and would never want me to be different, and if I believe him and want to work on things too, how do I process and put away all of these feelings of being second best that I’ve harboured for years? I’ve felt really undesireable and low about myself, but he says that the idea I had in my head of what he was thinking and feeling, wasn’t what was going on in his head, if that makes sense?

I really want to bring my confidence up and for our relationship to work. Can anyone advise? TIA x

I should say, he’s really determined to change and I’ve definitely seen a positive change in him since we started having these discussions. I’m thinking more about how I can truly believe him when he says I’m what/who he wants and how I can build up my self esteem (without it relying entirely on DP). Does that make sense?

Google Anxious and Avoidant attachment styles. Sounds like that’s you and him and it is indeed very difficult. It’s not just you who needs to want to change.

You can get help to feel more secure but he also needs to face his demons, possibly present since childhood.

Thank you 🙏🏼

He may also not have demons. He may just have lower social needs. Couples can be incompatible without either party being wrong or damaged or needing to do endless ‘work’ on themselves.

Good point

I don’t think he has demons or serious trauma (that I know of), but I think that growing up, he had an unhealthy model of what relationships look like, which must have had an impact? That said, I think that I am the way I am because of emotional neglect/abuse in childhood, so I know that’s something for me to work on.

A relationship with someone like him would be perfect with two equally independent partners. They'd barely see each other but neither would be unhappy.

He's not going to change because he likes his single life and doesn't naturally show consideration for others. For example, he marches ahead of you when he walks, he doesn't make any effort to spend time with you and he doesn't meet your needs in bed.

Find someone who loves and cherishes you OP and stop wasting your energy on him.

Does he have "an unhealthy model of what relationships look like" though? Or does what he wants from a relationship just not mesh with what you want?

DP has a friend who is absolutely always on the go. She is always out with friends, at hobbies etc. Luckily for her, her husband is the same. They happily admit that the only times they really see each other is when they're either out together, or for the half hour or so before bed.

They love each other deeply, but they get everything they need from each other in that time. I couldn't live like that, but them I'm not married to them so its fine.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots his parents barely speak and his mum will openly ignore his dad if he speaks to her and deliberately leaves him out of family plans, which doesn’t seem OK to me.

If self esteem is an issue make sure you’re working on that as a priority, what small ways do you show up for yourself? Be careful of falling into the spiral of thinking “once he changes I’ll be happy” because happiness genuinely has to come from inside yourself not someone else. Can you afford talking therapy? If not it sounds cheesy but try typing into chat gpt “can you talk to me like a psychotherapist?” And ask it whatever you need. Obviously take what it says with a pinch of salt because it’s not a real person but I’ve found it to be helpful in the past!