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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Performative poverty - abusive XH

5 replies

Anewnamejustforthis · 20/05/2025 12:27

It's painful, and poor DS10 is getting it constantly from his dad presumably in the hope it'll make me feel bad.

Nope, he's still wearing £100+ trainers and new designer glasses, still shopping at Waitrose. I also know he's recently been promoted. But DS is wearing XH's mum's friend's 14 year old daughter's hand-me-downs, isn't allowed to have bananas cos they're too expensive and last week couldn't bear the cheapest own-brand ketchup his dad could find because it was so unpleasant. They never go anywhere or do anything because it costs too much...just sit at home gaming all weekend.

XH takes home twice what I do, I had to sell my car, jewellery (for scrap) and a lot of other stuff to give XH enough money for a deposit on a house, but he prefers to rent whilst telling DS that he couldn't afford to buy a house.

I am sick of it, and so very worried about what it's doing to DS. But I don't know how to deal with it...I survive through being grey-rock on everything, I do not discuss anything I don't have to as it just gives him the opportunity for more abuse.

Suggestions please...

OP posts:
bostonbabe5 · 20/05/2025 12:37

No suggestions but exactly the same here.
I simply say that dad is in charge if his house and sorry I can't change anything.
But I do think it's emotional abuse that he says no to any requests - even a chocolate bar at the shops. Clothes are not bought as 'thats your mother's job, I haven't got any money'

It sucks.

Lmnop22 · 20/05/2025 12:47

Unfortunately unless it strays into a safeguarding issue I think you have to just live with it because Dad is entitled to do what he likes with the kids on his time.

It’s a real shame that your DS is missing out and clearly being manipulated by his dad but, aside from sending him to Dad’s with clothes for the weekend that get returned to you and are suitable and putting Heinz ketchup sachets in his backpack, you’re a bit stuck!

S0j0urn4r · 20/05/2025 13:33

He'll probably be totally bemused when DS is older and chooses not to visit him.

Mopsy567 · 20/05/2025 22:55

Wouldn't CMS adjust payments if XH got a promotion? Or is it 50/50 joint custody?

Anewnamejustforthis · 26/05/2025 18:14

Sorry for the delay coming back to the thread...

CMS aren't involved...yet; he's so unpleasant already it's not worth provoking worse behaviour for the sake of a few pounds, but he will shortly have to provide a payslip for something "official" so I will enjoy watching him justify why he has been short-changing DS for the last X months. Revenge is a dish best served cold and all that...oh and he only wants DS EOW, I insisted on one week night as well and he tries to get out of that whenever he can...he is horrible.

OP posts:
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