Please tell me there hope

[Ellieruth74]

My marriage of 10 years is coming to an end. Been with H for 21 years, married 10. One DS 14

this weekend his returned from a weekend away, and well all I can say is this is the straw that’s broken the camels back. The last time that he went away for a weekend found out he’d lied to me about something. While what he lied about wasn’t a deal breaker, the lying was. It took months for him to tell me the truth, making out I was mad, swearing on our son’s life and all that crap. well turns out he was, and I really struggled to forgive him. But we had a young child.

The weekend, it was a weekend aboard with his friends. It kicked off (I will admit I didn’t help, but I just knew he was going to have limited contact with me). Killed me that he spoke to our son on Sunday morning, telling him he would call him after his football match if he found a pub with WIFI. He was in a pub all day with WIFI and has admitted that he forgot to call. I just feel so let down by him.

his drinking has become more and more of an issue. His not abusive when drinking, but he is self centred. For context after giving birth to our son, I was been repaired down there, his holding son asking how much longer it’s going to be as it’s 22:30 and the pub shuts soon..I need to go and wet the babies head!

well after this weekend, I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. It’s slowly killing me. I’m so scared, I’m about to turn my son’s world upside down and the guilt is killing me, and I haven’t even started the process yet. I have no friends and so know I about to face this completely alone. I’m currently crying to the point I can’t breathe, I can hear him in the next room snoring.

i need some words of support xxx

Virtual hugs OP. You can do this. If you’ve had enough you’ve had enough.

However before you go nuclear and announce it; get your ducks in a row. Sort all the combined financials etc and get up to date statements saved.
Get all your important documents together and put somewhere not in the house for safekeeping.
Get yourself to a decent solicitor.
Are you leaving the marital home or are you planning on booting him out? Have you got somewhere lined up for you and DS to go?

Get all the “behind the scenes” stuff in motion.
Take care of yourself. You’ve got this x

Has something specifically happened during this weekend away, or are you quite simply just at the end of your tether with him full stop?
He sounds an arse from what you’ve written.

Focus on the practical issues and, in time, the emotional stuff will take care of itself.

First and foremost, plan and sort out financials and housing.

useful resources:

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies or similar
• family solicitor websites

Then see a competent family solicitor and go from there.

You’ll be fine, OP, and so will your son. You sound really unhappy and it doesn’t seem your DH cares enough to respond to that, so you’re making the decision that’s right for you - but that doesn’t make it easy.

You’re also in shock, despite being in control of the situation and your decision. The emotions and stress hormones flooding into you when you’re faced with the reality of such a major life change are the same.

Take your time to process your feelings before you start making practical arrangements, which you need to do with as clear a head and as much support as possible.

There’ll definitely be posters along who can give you really great advice and insight into what you need to do, and people with experience of navigating young teens through this difficult time.

Good luck with everything x

I think there's worse he could have done on a lad's weekend away other than forget to call your 14yo son twice on one day!! My DH goes away with friends every year and doesn't call once. It's OK, it's his time with friends.

I think you're looking for reasons to fight with him. If you're not happy, you're not. And I'm sure there's more reasons and backstory than you put here. He does sound like he has a complicated relationship with alcohol, which must be difficult to live with.

Anyway, OP. Try not to find reasons why he's awful. You can separate if you're not compatible, you don't need to prove it's all his fault. And you can be friends, co parenting, if it's the best thing for your kid.

Thank you xx

this hasn’t come out of the blue, I’ve spoken to him over the last 12 months about how I’m feeling and how hard I’m finding everything at the moment.

His not a horrible person in anyway, he hard works has decent job. Over the past couple of years his been working out of town a lot (mon to fri). To begin with it was great, house was always clean and tidy. However 12 months ago, my befriend ghosted me (horrible experience) and I think from there it’s all gone down hill. I work from home 4 days a week, it’s a really emotionally exhausting job (which I love, but golly gosh it can be hard!). Spend the days working and then running DS around. He comes home on a Friday…straight to the pub, back at closing. I get he wants a few drinks after work and I’m to knackered to get properly dressed and it’s normal gone 6/7 by the time I shut the laptop. Never comes home with a bottle of wine for me, flowers…nothing.

it’s knowing what I’m about to face in terms of the loneliness, both mentally and physically that’s scaring me because I know how hard this feeling will be.

our finances aren’t really linked, no joint accounts or anything. Do have a house to sell, which is already planning on doing this year. My mum has a flat that I’m going too on Friday afternoon prior to him coming home. I asked if he could start work later on Monday and ensure DS gets off to school, he cant so I’ll be coming back early Monday morning once his left.

thank you for reading and posting, writing this out is helping and your comments mean more than you could ever know xxxxx

Sending you a handhold OP.
I left my partner and father of our son many years ago as I was extremely unhappy.
I felt more lonely in the relationship than when I was out of it.
You will probably feel guilt because of your DS but ultimately you can’t be a great parent if you’re unhappy.
You will be fine and then you will find happiness, either from being contented on your own or from being in a new relationship with someone who meets your needs.
Good luck 🍀

It sounds like you have a good plan. He is either an alcoholic and prioritising alcohol over you, or he just doesn't want to be round you very much. I would be v annoyed if my DH went to the pub after being away all week!

Your self esteem will probably grow. I can't see how you will be lonelier than you are now. You might have more time to join clubs etc if DH actually does some parenting so you get time alone.

Objectively leaving seems extreme - you’ve raised a couple of issues but they seem to be from years ago. This weekend he was away, I wouldn’t expect my DP to call once let alone twice a day.
not coming home with flowers/wine etc is a none event and the Friday night drink is just warrenting a conversation. Your week being lonely is a separate issue I’m afraid if he is out at work.
HOWEVER. That all assumes everything else is well and happy! And I suspect you aren’t in a place where you want to be with him. Personally I believe that is both people are decent and not abusive that we should work at marriage - it’s not a walk in the park and commitment requires effort - but it’s not my marriage and if you want to leave then you absolutely do not need to justify it to anyone.

It sounds as though alcohol is much more important to him than you or his DC. The fact that " wetting the babies head" was more important to him than your health and being with his new child is very sad.

This latest behaviour just sounds like the final straw.

You are doing the right thing OP.

Best wishes to you going forward.