Kicked him out of bed

[Justanotherusername27]

Not literally. I’ve asked him to leave and sleep downstairs (big comfy sofa warm house he’s a big boy he will be fine). I’m sure I’ll regret writing this in a bit but I’m so angry and upset and don’t want to speak to my friends and make a big drama.

We’ve been bickering over the last few days and today shit hit the fan. I just don’t feel like my needs are being met at the moment. We have a 1 year old daughter and all the attention is on her as it should be, however, he makes next to no effort with me, just me since she was born. I love family days and family activities but it genuinely feels like he only wants me there to meet our daughters needs. Never seems that bothered to see me, our only animated conversations are really about our daughter and, although we have sex, it’s just the same stuff. He’s not excited by me. My body hasn’t changed, in fact it’s improved in last six months. He’s only affectionate when we go to sleep but not through the day. He’s a great dad but a mediocre partner at the moment. I’ve tried to bring this up gently with him a few times and nothings improved so I’ve snapped tonight whilst we were bickering over something else. He basically sat in silence offering a sarcastic comment here (sorry YOU feel that way🙄) and there till eventually I just said I was off to bed (because I’m upset and want to be alone) and he’s strolled in 5 mins later and got into bed. Hes really upset me, seems very unbothered so I’ve said I don’t want him near me and he’s argued a bit back but gone downstairs.

i know many people would be buzzing cause he’s such a good dad but l literally feel like I’m just another carer for our daughter. I love our daughter more than anything in the world and want to see her always but… an hour or so to go do something outside of her? A cosy film and a takeaway? Just seems to be my wants and he couldn’t care less.

Hi, OP. If you do regret posting, MN will probably have sympathy with you and delete the thread, but as long as you’re careful not to out yourself with too many details, I think it’ll be fine.

Why not just have a chat here? Loads of us have had (or are actively going through) relationship stuff.

How long have you been together with your partner?

Thanks for responding. Nearly 8 years. I love him dearly but i have a habit where I always try make friends first and within that it just allows him not to reflect on his behaviour and I’ve just had enough tonight.

I just don’t want the initial response to be BREAK UP he’s this and I’m that etc. just want a handhold really not to go try make it right with him when he needs to hear me.

I don’t think he finds me unattractive, I just feel taken for granted

I know it’s a cliché but having a baby really does affect the dynamics of a relationship, and it seems to involve a very fluid renegotiation of your roles on a regular basis. Do you ever talk about this? Separating out the mummy/daddy roles from the partner/partner roles?

Sorry if this makes little sense … it’s getting late where I am!

I understand how you feel and it is valid. Right now you don’t feel seen by your H. He’s supposed to be your person, the one you can talk to and hears what you have to say, not just another carer to your child.

I had a similar argument with my H this week. I also made him sleep elsewhere. The same as you, he is a great dad. On this occasion he fell asleep cuddling one of my children like he does most nights. Problem was I wanted to talk to him about something that was bothering me (not relating to him) and I had been trying for days but it felt like he was prioritising everyone else but me. He has been there for his mum and sister, had been busy with friends, had taken the kids here, there and everywhere, and was understandably exhausted. But I just didn’t feel like a priority and it was really upsetting.

In my case I raised it again calmly the next morning and I could see he genuinely cared how I felt. That in itself was enough to put it behind me. Life is hard, and with such a young child sometimes just getting through the day is hard enough but never forget to check in with yourself about what YOU need and communicate that. Have a proper chat later in a calm way. Maybe suggest getting a babysitter and going for dinner one night soon.

Hold each other’s hand, smile at each other, give a quick peck on the lips when no one is watching. Little acts of intimacy and connection can really help build closeness. You understandably want it to come from him but sometimes you need to show him what you want it to look like so it begins to become your new dynamic.