No intimacy in marriage

[ForLivelyPinkFish]

My husband and I (both 50) have been together for 17 years. For the past 5 years we’ve had very little intimacy and none at all in the last year or so. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he just says that he has a very low sex drive and just doesn’t want it or need it anymore and that most couples in their 50s no longer have sex.

I miss the closeness and the connection it provides and feeling desired. We have almost zero other affection, unless I initiate it and I feel as though I’m the only one making any effort. He says he doesn’t need affection and doesn’t see any of this as an issue.

I’ve started to feel very low and I’m starting to wonder if this is it. I’ve tried to initiate numerous times and have been rejected every time. Not only this, he gets increasingly annoyed when I ask. He tells me there’s nothing wrong, he just doesn’t want it anymore. Aside from from this we get on well and love each other, but I don’t think I can accept this indefinitely because it’s affecting my self esteem. I’ve even thought about finding someone else who can offer the physical side, but I have no idea if I even really want this, or where to look even if I did. Leaving is not an option for many reasons.

Hi, I am in the same situation just reversed. After having children my wife went off sex or any sort of physical/emotional contact. I feel like the conduit and no more.

Also tried talking, not putting pressure on her but we are at 8 months without any sort of intimacy.

I now think it is very common. So many marriages fail and I think people not being there for each other is a big part of it.

Hope your situation improves

Men can get away with burying their heads in the sand and refusing to talk to their partners about these issues because they know their female partner will find it harder to speak up about her own desires because there is still a taboo re, women and their sexual needs. Women are still viewed as not liking sex as much as men. You only have to see the social media comments when a woman goes on a show like This Morning to talk about sex.

I expect there’s other reasons he’s not interested - ok low libido - but maybe his perspective on relationships and intimacy has changed with some reasons behind.
I say this because I’m similar to your DH in that I don’t have the need - but the reality is I think since kids/mat leave / work and other things, the setting of our relationship isn’t that same anymore and I don’t want intimacy in this setting really. Would he consider counselling? I suppose the big Q Is what would he do if it was a deal breaker for you..

If sex is not involved, then the relationship is not one of a couple in love. It's just friends, good in it's way but not the full deal. It sounds like you're "done" as a couple. Maybe your DH is getting his oats somewhere else?

HE doesnt need it HE doesnt need affection. Proves the point i made above All about his needs Yours dont come into it OP because you are woman and women dont like sex/affection as much as men so it doesnt matter

Leaving is always an option. It might be complicated and difficult but it’s possible.

im 37, my partner is 50, we have a very healthy sex life 2-3 times a week sometimes 2 times. we have kids work house the usual.

even if i was in my 50s i wouldn’t settle for this kind of lifestyle if hes not meeting your needs. its a two way street. hes either not attracted to you anymore or bored or isnt happy in himself. i highly doubt its you, you get one life. don’t waste your time if he isn’t making you feel wanted, loved and deserved.

I don’t agree with this. What if the couple are in their 80s and been married for 60 years?! I think in a long marriage the sex does fizzle eventually. But if it fizzles out sooner for one person than the other that’s really hard all round. And tough decisions need to be made.

Might he have developed ED which he’s embarrassed about?
Has his libido slowly dwindled away or dropped off a cliff suddenly?
Porn use, an affair, ED, hormonal issues, depression, illness, medications, sleep issues, stress, gaining large amounts of weight … the list for lowered libido in older men is pretty extensive.
A frank discussion where he gets to know exactly how this is affecting you, plus you get to know what he thinks is going on is needed.
He needs to know how serious this is for you. Whatever you do, do not cheat or have an affair. The damage caused is horrific. If he can’t or won’t investigate this and want to sort it out, he needs to know it’s a deal breaker for you, if he won’t entertain a mutually agreed open relationship. Honesty always the best policy.

We’ve had endless conversations. He’s just not interested in that side of things. He’s not depressed, doesn’t suffer with ED and he isn’t having an affair. I suggested that I might not want a plutonic friendship and he got very upset, but not upset enough to actually bother doing anything!

@ForLivelyPinkFish I’m so sorry. If he doesn’t appreciate how serious it is for you then I’d lay it on the line that you’ve told him before that you don’t want a sexless marriage and platonic relationship, given him ample opportunity to sort this out or at least investigate it, but he’s done nothing about that. So, unless he does bother to engage in this conversation and sort this out, then you would definitely consider getting advice about splitting up as you can’t continue in your marriage in this way.
He got upset, selfishly didn’t bother to engage with it or do anything for you, but then faced no consequences for that. Maybe he thinks you’d never follow through, so he can just get upset to make you back off or feel sorry for him then carry on doing nothing. His head is in the sand hoping this goes away. Maybe if things started to get real for him he’d wake up and do something about it.
It’s obvious you can’t continue like this and it’s unfair. You’ll end up resenting him even more and probably end up wanting to
leave him eventually, so I would tell him exactly that and give him a (insert timeline of your choosing) to decide whether or not he’s going to change or start working out what’s going on for him. He’s had enough time already to be fair, but giving him a set time to decide shows him the clock is ticking and enough is enough.
I think something needs to make the penny drop pretty loudly, that tears and inaction are selfish and doing more damage and threatening your marriage. I hope he wakes up OP and takes this seriously, it’s so sad.