Unhappy husband after baby - will it ever get better?

[NCNCNC555]

Desperate for some advice.

We have an 11 month old. It was a difficult road to get here (IVF, miscarriages, premature baby). Of the two of us I was always the one more on the fence about children, DH has always wanted to be a dad. I’ve had quite severe PND (still under the perinatal team). Both DH and I have histories of depression.

Our son is going through a rough patch sleeping wise. He takes quite a while to settle and is still waking for feeds a couple of times a night (he’s been express breast milk fed due to issues latching so both of us can feed him), until recently I was also pumping overnight. In the grand scheme of things I don’t think he’s too terrible but it’s definitely taking its toll.

We’ve done shared leave so he’s currently off and I’m back at work. He’s not one of the classic useless mumsnet husbands. He does more nappies than me, he does bathtime, he takes him to classes, he does breakfast, he does all the washing, we share the cooking fairly evenly, he cleans the kitchen, I do the rest of the house. We split life admin. The issue is how he reacts when he’s tired/to these sleep problems.

He gets so frustrated and angry, then moody. I’ve taken over bedtime tonight and sent him to finish dinner. DS has been asleep now for a good half hour but I’m hiding in the nursery as I can’t face going down to either silence or self pitying about what a bad dad he is. If bedtime doesn’t go well he doesn’t move past it, it ruins the whole evening. Then he’s tired during the day and also grumpy.

I hate how unsympathetic I’ve become. He can be crying and all I can think is pull yourself together, what were you expecting. I feel dreadful as I’m sure he doesn’t feel the same about me with my depression. I’d never say it as it would be tipping into emotional abuse but when he’s like this it really drives my own suicidal ideation. It feels like depression top trumps. It feels like he’s dragging me down with him and any progress I’ve made with my treatment is at risk, I’m not strong enough to pull us both through this. I can’t find a way to say this though without being so uncaring. If he said similar to me I know how I’d internalise it.

He’s having therapy but it doesn’t seem to work. He’s come round to going back into medication but hasn’t been able to get through to the GP so far.

I’m so worried about when he goes back to work. We both have tough jobs with long hours. He’s already unhappy at work but won’t consider other options.

Has anybody been here and got through it? I just miss our relationship so much. I miss the caring me. I try and make sure he gets as much sleep as possible but it never seems to make a difference. At what point do I need to reconsider this marriage?

It sounds a bit like your current ongoing mental health issues are clouding your ability to feel the way you used to about your husband and empathise with him in the way you used to. He is likely also much more emotional than he used to as he is suffering a decline in his mental health and a decline back into a depressive mindset.

I would keep trying to get him in front of the GP, keep going with your progress and treatment, try and give each other what you can whilst also bearing in mind that poor mental health can cause you to see things in a different way.

Once you are both managing your depression as best you can, things will likely become easier and this will just be a difficult episode for both of you.

Children are very emotionally draining, particularly when very young and not sleeping and lack of good quality sleep can have a hugely detrimental effect on people who are otherwise mentally healthy.

Don’t blame yourself or him and be kind to yourselves and I’m sure once this sleep regression is over, you’ll find it easier to stay on top of any threatened mental deterioration and better be able to support each other.

I did SPL leave with my husband and it didn’t go quite as I thought. Although DH did pick up the childcare he found it hard to be with DS all day (he was also 11 months), he really struggled with DS tantrums or lack of sleep and the relentlessness of it all. Whilst I think it’s made him appreciate that maternity leave wasn’t always easy, it was hard for me to witness at the time as he was in such a foul mood.

I don’t have a lot of advice except we are both a lot happier now that we have more normality at work and we get a break from DS sometimes. He’s also very tired from nursery which means he sleeps better. Nursery take care of some of the more monotonous jobs like the constant food prep and cleaning which helps.

I think the rule of no divorces when you have any child under 2 is wise. It’s not the right headspace for assessing your relationship. It’s a tough patch. If you still feel this way when baby is older then consider splitting

Do either of you take any time for yourselves? I feel like even if it’s once a week each, after bed time one of you goes out for a walk, to the gym or something. Even the cinema. I just feel like for the MH of parents it’s so important to get a minute to yourself whether you feel you need it or not. The PP who said no divorces before 2 is wise too!

Thank you - all these posts are very wise.

We are quite good at trying to give each other space (we work out at the beginning of the week how we can both get to the gym at least twice). It just feels at the moment like that’s not enough but I’m struggling to carve out more time.

Hopefully nursery will be a great help in terms of breathing space.

I think you need to be patient until he gets medication sorted. My DH needed medication for the time when the kids were little and has come off them now because the time when they are small is really when you are in the trenches.
I honestly I think hormones carried me through it better than my DH could.

I had a similar experience to @Sailorstripe with my DH and SPL. He’s a better father and partner to me because of it, as he realised how tough it is to be with a baby all day. But at the time it did nothing for his mood: he was often tetchy, tired and on edge. He found naps and mealtimes especially fraught.

Now that DC is at nursery, we’re both happier. As a PP mentioned, nursery takes care of so much of the drudgery like meals and naptimes. Will your LO be going into childcare once the SPL is over @NCNCNC555? You may find it helps.

Though both of you being back at work does mean needing to establish new routines, including division of labour when it comes to night wakes for example, which can bring its own challenges!

DS will be going to nursery 3 days a week, we both work part time so will have a day in the week with him. DH does shift work so will often work weekends/nights which will bring its own challenges for me but at least means he’ll have days off in the week when DS is at nursery.

Thank you for the comments. I’m feeling calmer today. It’s reassuring to know others have been in the same situation and it has got better.