I am so unhappy.

[Dippydoopy]

Apologies for the long post but I’d rather get as much info in as possible.

I have been married 12 years, have 2 great children but I am so unhappy in my marriage and can’t remember a time that I was happy.

Over the last 12 years I have been made to feel like absolute shit on a daily basis, my husband has a much higher sex drive than me and if I don’t have sex with him when he asks for it he is then really nasty and aggressive towards me, calls me horrific names like a cunt, tells me I’m useless and that I make everyone around me miserable.

When this is going on I will usually just go quiet as it’s impossible to win in a fight with him. A few hours pass and then he acts like nothing has happened, I will accept his apology to keep the peace but am clearly still upset and because I don’t hash it out with him there and then he starts all over again, calling me a liar and telling me how much I ruin everything.

I will admit I hold a lot of feelings in because I am not good at confrontation, things that happened 8 years ago will sometimes catch me and I get upset.
a few examples-
pregnant with first child he asked me for a DNA test. (I hadn’t cheated)
pregnant with my second he took me to an abortion clinic (I didn’t go through with it)
third pregnancy he took me to another abortion clinic, we had to wait a month for the appointment (we don’t live in the UK) and he treated me like shit, told me I was so selfish wanting to keep the baby, and that clearly my 2 children aren’t enough, when I would need a hug he wouldn’t touch me. I went through with the abortion and have cried everyday since. It was a year ago.

since having the abortion I have had a pretty severe accident and I’m unable to do the things I used to do, I have intense therapy everyday (think learning to walk again) he has barely helped with anything as he is working and says he cannot do everything.

i do everything within the house, I do all children related things. The only thing I don’t do is bills he does that (all direct out of our joint account)

I am just completely exhausted and so incredibly unhappy, I would love to leave but I have nowhere to go, he also wouldn’t let me take the children (we emigrated).

I don’t really know what I want from this thread. I just don’t have anyone to talk to.

Find somewhere to go and get out.

It won’t get better, you deserve happiness and your children deserve to grow up in a house where they’re set good examples about adult relationships.

This is heart breaking to read. I echo the previous poster, you need to find a way to get out. Do you have any support network where you are?

I have no one. Over the years I have confided in three separate people who I thought were good friends. And pretty much straight after they cut me off.

I hope you can find a way out, OP. No one deserves to be treated badly by their partner. Can you talk to a solicitor? Do you have any finances you can access to do this?

Please leave you are being abused very badly.

i have spoken to a solicitor in the past and as we are in a different country if I leave with the children without consent (as in fly to the UK) he can report me for kidnapping.

what country are you in OP?

Canada

I would get some support from the haven women’s aid, they have a helpline, and you can also look at referring yourself for some support from a keyworker in your area or ask your gp or nursed to refer… and go from there.

take it one step at a time.

I’m sorry it’s probably quite jarring to read that but what you are describing isn’t how you should be treated and is abusive.

I went through a horrific divorce and the haven are fantastic at supporting you through it and navigating contact with the children and so on.

You deserve respect and love.

Could any of your family fly out to support you temporarily and you can sort out a plan?

Look into resources for women fleeing abusive relationships in your area and talk to someone about it. There are options and you’re not alone even in another country.

It may be a battle, but you only get one life and one chance to raise your children so please don’t sacrifice yourself to this situation

I’ve just read you are in Canada… I’d look for domestic abusive support where you live.

I'm so sorry about the awful position you are in. Your husband is abusive so you do need to get you and your children away from him.There are services like Women's Aid to help women in your situation in Canada:

www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/services.html

I would also think that Canada would have some services you can access.

Sending you strength Op XXX

He is abusing you in the most horrible ways. No surprise that you’re so unhappy. Leaving will be hard, but you are an adult, you have a right to live free from abuse, and you do have a brighter, healthier future without this man. Look up the Power and Control Wheel, contact your local women’s services as per the link helpfully posted above. They won’t tell you what to do, but they’ll listen to you and help you make informed decisions and work with you towards getting yourself and the children safe.
He has done his best to destroy your self belief and confidence, but with the support you’ll get you’ll discover your own strength.
Be aware that at the point of leaving, your husband will see his power ebbing away and may try to regain control over you - and the children.
I don’t know Canadian laws but in the UK what you describe of his behaviour constitute criminal offences including coercive control. Women’s Aid will be able to tell you where you stand and support you to make a complaint to the police if that’s what you want and decide to do.
Keep posting on here and sending you warm thoughts. You deserve far far better than this horrible treatment.

OP, when I had to leave my abusive partner, I called the police when he was off on a rant and I felt threatened. The police came and I outlined the emotional abuse to them and my partner was told not contact me. Contact was through a third party. It gave me time and space to get further legal advice and follow through with leaving him.

If it is safe for you, get outside help. You don't need to do it alone. If I hadn't got the police and women's aid involved,I don't know how I could have left him and taken my dc. Some Domestic Abuse charities can also give you temporary shelter whilst helping you set up a more permanent living space. You are in your rights to get police involvement as your partner is intimidating you with his abuse, but contact domestic abuse support first so they can help you plan your exit

There is help available as pp say. Give them a call when it's safe to do so. One step at a time but you can escape.