What is for the best?

[Iceland97]

I am beyond distraught. I have two beautiful children, one is two and the other 7 weeks old. I have recently discovered their father, my partner of 7 years, has been messaging another woman for the last 18 months on and off. These messages vary from general chit chat, flirting to a more sexual tone sending images and videos to each other doing certain sexual acts let’s say. I came across this by sheer accident whilst sending a video off his phone to my Mum, a name I had never heard of before came up as a suggested contact to send the video to. I then clicked the name to find the threads and threads of messages etc. I have caught him talking inappropriately to other women twice in the past on his socials, each time I have called him out, he’s apologised and we’ve moved past it. I’m now starting to feel beyond stupid as I feel through forgiving him I have landed myself in this situation yet again but what’s worse is we have now brought two inocent children into it. I can’t unsee what I have seen, I feel physically sick to my stomach, I can barely look at him. I just do not know what to do. I moved away from my own life to start one here with him, I’m scared for my children.. if I leave him I will no longer have a job to return to after MAT leave, no home, not even a car of my own. I gave up my life for him. What on earth do I do for the best? Is it all possible he won’t do this to us again, to trust someone again after this or am I just avoiding what I know I should do. I love him to pieces, I’m just not sure it’s enough this time. Send help!

LEAVE!
yes it’s awful but you cannot and will never be able to trust him
go to your mum, work out what benefits you’re entitled to, and walk away
he will erode your self esteem until there’s nothing left of you
As you’re not married you do need legal advice asap
so sorry you’re going through this

It’s not a one off
that’s the issue
sadly he prioritises his needs over his family’s

I second this.

The life you are leading is no life. Time to make a fresh start and gain freedom from this horrible man

If I leave him I will no longer have a job to MAT leave,

Why won't you have a job?
You clearly can't trust him. Get some legal advice.

My job is here where we are living together, I can’t afford to stay in the area on my own.

Move from the area, get back to your family for support.

You are not tied to the area. You will find a new job, apply for benefits to help support you in the meantime

Well if you can't leave then clearly you want to just keep being disrespected you love this man life is much better and time is much less wasted if you turn your cants into cans and gain some self respect.

Another perspective from PPs…

does he know you know? If he doesn’t, personally I would just use some time to get yourself better from recovering from birth and sleep issues. Use having two parents in the house to get stronger and when you are in a less vulnerable position then I would get your ducks in a row. I left my husband when I had a 9 month old and older child and it was hard. Ideally it’s easier to leave when you don’t have a baby

@WhiteflowerscreedYes he knows I know. Thank you

Did you confront him? What is his explanation for doing this to you again

@Lostinmyselfinitially he said he doesn’t know why he does it. He then started to say it’s because I seem un happy and therefore makes him unhappy but then in the next breath it’s exciting for him

Please don’t let him make you feel this is in anyway your fault. Of course you feel unhappy, you have caught him on more than one occasion getting his kicks with other woman. You must be exhausted by it all

Women should be entitled to free legal advice before they procreate and cohabit with these ‘men’…

@Iceland97

You leave. He's a cheat and he justifies it to himself. He's not going to change. Why should he when he gets away with it?

No, it isn't easy and yes you may have to make sacrifices in lifestyle. But it will be worth it in the long run because you will not be living with someone who has no respect for you and who feels they're entitled to break the promises they made at your marriage.

Women from time immemorial have walked away with nothing but the clothes on their backs and often no place to go. They've walked away from abuse, they've fled war zones, they've moved away from famine and natural disasters.

You say you 'moved away' to be with him. Can you return there? Are there friends or family who can support you in this?

Get in touch with citizens advice - free service they will be able to advise you on what you are entitled too x

I was in your situation albeit many years ago and in very different circumstances. I discovered his betrayal when we'd already had one small child and the second was on the way. His betrayal was never really addressed due to another traumatic event. I wrote off his betrayal as a mild flirting. It was after another 25 years that I discovered he'd actually been seeing various other women during our marriage (a marriage I thought was solid; I thought he was devoted to me). These kind of men do not stop. It's part of their DNA that they need attention from other women. They get better at hiding it from you. You now have been given an opportunity to make your life better. Take it now. It will be hellish to begin with but when you're in hell, just keep walking. You will get a job. You will get a car. You will get your own place to live. You will regret it if you stay with him. Namaste.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm afraid I doubt your DP will cease his betrayal of you. and his family, he obviously has no concept of loyalty You deserve so much better than this. Start to make plans to leave, you may have more options than you know, Don't be guilt trip into keeping his dirty little secret you have done. nothing wrong. He has betrayed you and his children. The shame is his alone. I you need to rant then go ahead he doesn't get to set the rules you do.

Just signed up to write about starting again and came across your post.
I told my boyfriend of 10 years that I want to end the relationship and move out.
We have a 5 and 7 year old.
I’m terrified.
He makes no effort and admits that. I get the girls ready for school, take them to school and pick them up, I do dinner, bath and bed with very little help from him.
He gets really angry if the house isn’t tidy but he isn’t here to help, he’s always outside doing DIY on the house or drinking with his mates!
Do a calculator for benefits (universal credit and child maintenance) I’ve just realised I won’t be any financially worse off without my now ex as I’m entitled to benefits.

Be strong and leave for your self esteem and for your children.
take care