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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me help my mum please

8 replies

pinkmama · 20/05/2008 12:14

Hi, not posted on here for a long time, but used to be around a bit and found mumsnet really useful. So, now looking for help for my poor mum and wondered if anyone knew of anything similar to mumsnet for the older generation. Basically, my poor mum (63) after 40 years of being bullied, cheated on, lied to by my father has now been ceremoniously dumped by him and this time I really do think its finally over. She is devastated and scared but can see that it may not be a bad thing to be free of him. However she is going to lose her home, she has no friends (he made it hard for her to have any) and lives 300 miles away from us. She needs friends, but finds it hard to make them. Any suggestions?

TIA

Pinkmama x

OP posts:

bossybritches · 20/05/2008 12:18

Hi PM - your poor mum, how dreadful for her but it could be the start of a whole new life for her! There is a Gransnet section on MN & they all seem lovely & very young at heart!

Original poster

pinkmama · 20/05/2008 12:19

thanks bossybritches, i will point her in that direction.

OP posts:

Notquitegrownup · 20/05/2008 12:24

First of all sending lots of positive vibes to your mum and hoping that this really can be the beginning of a new life for her. You must be really worried about her. Have you got other family near to her? Is it worth her thinking about moving nearer to you, if she is going to have to start again? It's a possibility, although I am realising that my parents are never going to do so. They are much happier in familiar surroundings, even though we can't help them as much as we would like . . .

How to make new friends - depends on what she likes doing, but - join/start a book group/knitting group? Volunteer to help in her local Oxfam shop or other voluntary shop? Any voluntary work - hospital league of friends, for example? local church may organise activities? Local gardening club (our do days out/holidays to see gardens)?

Hope someone else comes along with more ideas soon.

Original poster

pinkmama · 20/05/2008 12:32

My dad has made some very silly decisions in his life and they dont have a lot of money. They certainly dont have enough to sell the house and both buy somewhere else. Unfortunately we live in South East and she is North East. Prices are so different not sure she could afford to live around here, although i (perhaps selfishly) think would be ideal. My sister is a bit closer, about an hour away. She will have to start again. The only couple they made friends with over the years are involved in the split a bit much for her to be able to stay friends with them.

They are good suggestions, only other problem is she lives in village with nothing there, but perhaps she will have to move closer to the city and more things for her to do. Think she would enjoy some voluntary work. She likes looking after people

OP posts:

littlewoman · 20/05/2008 16:31

I haven't got anything useful to say except that I'm cross and sad on your poor mum's behalf. Poor lady, after all those years. I hope you will be able to help her. You sound very caring.

advicepleasemums · 20/05/2008 16:46

hello Pink

ref your Mums housing issue, would she consider living in a unit specifically for 'older people' there are loads around our way (SW) you access them via the council but they are really really nice, well maintained, welcoming, and the rents are very low.
Lots of them have coffee groups/ social evenings others in similar situations so that may be any easy way for her to meet new people.

She could request somewher near you.

Original poster

pinkmama · 20/05/2008 18:02

Thanks Littlewoman. Its horrid situation. advicepleasemums - I think she is put off by housing for older people as her mum is still alive and lives in one and it is full of 80+ people. She might have to consider something like that though.

I put her on the train today, she has gone home to try and get him to explain their finances to her. he has always done it, she has no idea what comes in or goes out which I guess is not helping her fear about the future. I have asked him to be kind and make it as easy and quick as possible for her. Maybe once she knows where she stands financially it wont be as scarey, at least I hope its not worse!

OP posts:

Notquitegrownup · 20/05/2008 19:45

Yes, do get her to look at retirement flats as apm suggests. The newer developments are much better than old rows of bungalows with peeling paint - we have a lovely large building divided up into appartments near us, specifically for retired people.

It's lovely that your mum likes looking after people. There are lots of openings in voluntary work, and ime they are great for making someone feel valuable/more positive, as they do something to help others too.

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