Am I a misery?

[Snowbolt]

I’m feeling rather disappointed in myself and sad. DH and I stayed with friends at the weekend (our old neighbours) who we get on very well with. Some of their other friends were also there - we’ve met them all a few times over the years and can get along fine, although remain as acquaintances rather than friends. I think this outcome is mutual.

DH is vocal to me about how much he doesn’t like some of these people, but can then also overcompensate such as being overly gushing about people/their lives, which got on my nerves, but able to let go. Late in the evening DH made a bigoted joke, possibly as he knew it would be ‘a hit’, and I called him out on him publicly and held my ground that it wasn’t necessary and not funny. No one said anything but I could feel the eyes rolling, and my husband leaned in to say “stop embarrassing me”, so I dropped it and made my excuses for bed shortly after. I’m fine (enough) with my actions, but also feel annoyed at being viewed as the joy kill, the sensible one, and probably just generally as a moody/stuck up sod. We had some words in the car the next day, and things are ok on that front between us now. But when I woke up this morning I felt so miserable, like why couldn’t I just have let things go and been more fun. Second to this, I feel DH belittled some aspects of our life and home to make other people feel good. It’s made me feel like something has changed in how I now see our home - like it’s been tainted somehow.

So a few questions:
How do you lighten up but also still be true to yourself?

Did I take myself too seriously?
How do you deal with those situations where your partner is talking utter crap without embarrassing them but neither being linked to it through being silent?

How do you deal with those situations where your partner is talking utter crap without embarrassing them but neither being linked to it through being silent?

By not having a partner who talks utter crap.

He embarrassed you, surely, not the other way round?

Can you say what the joke was?

I have been at dinners/social events with my partner and he "plays to the crowd" he is this person I don't know. He can be sexist/homophobic/racist, but it's the crowd he's with. It's almost to fit in and get a few laughs.

I find it horrible but I know this isn't him. He has many faults but he isn't like this naturally.

I have found that I have just grinned and bared it to keep the peace. I have called him out privately about it though, as its not nice at all.

I don't think you are miserable. I admire you standing up for what you believe is right.

If the buzz is being emboldened enough to tell bigoted jokes, then it's a pretty toxic buzz. Just tell him to check his bigotry and privilege and toddle off and talk to someone else.

Or simply walk away, while he is doing it, don't be part of the audience.

It was homophobic; husband is not homophobic and he was embarrassed and annoyed that I had drawn attention to the bigotry rather than just letting a joke slide. Earlier in the evening I probably would have but it was a few drink in and my social battery was at zero. Thank you for your message and I relate very much to what you are saying.

Honestly? I'd feel utterly depressed to be linked to your husband in any way

He made a homophobic "joke". Should you have chosen to let it slide.....that, for me, would indicate that you are generally onside with husband being a twat

You're in a no win situation

You did nothing wrong

Yeah guys are weird. You know him, you know he's not homophobic so hearing thing like this (especially after a few drinks) you were rightly like WFT!

He should be embarrassed not with you, with himself. If this is the level he has to lower himself to "fit in" or "raise laughs" then it's dire.

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. He will need to get over it and hopefully you have taught him a lesson on what's acceptable in a social situation

Make a joke of it, rather than scold him. Like "hey everyone, homophobe on sale tonight for the bargain price of a packet of crisps, any takers? No? How about I give you the crisps to take him away hahaha" so make your point but in a way that leaves the atmosphere intact.

I'm sorry, what - your partner makes sexist/racist/homophobic jokes, on what sounds like multiple occasions, in a desperate attempt to make other sexist/racist/homophobic people like him.... and you think it's 'not him?' I think you have your head in the sand massively here. Aside from 'how on earth do you find him attractive if his head is so empty he can't pick from the thousands of jokes and styles of humour out there to make jokes not centered around being sexist, racist or homophobic' and 'it's wrong' ...aren't you worried what on earth people will think of you? Isn't he worried what you think of him?

It’s depressing that you are even wondering whether you’re a buzzkill for not laughing along with hilarious homophobia. As a pp said, surely he was the one embarrassing you?

Why do you see yourself as a misery or a killjoy ... it sounds like you're neither and your DH is the one in the wrong here. Why does he need to make 'jokes' like that ... how was the joke received?

My brother is a dickhead who makes appalling 'jokes' and comments, usually to wind me up as we're at very different ends of the political spectrum.

We were out for dinner recently and he said something awful, racist ... I called him out on it, and my DH laughed, so I asked him straight away why he thought it was funny. DH is hard of hearing and said he didn't hear it properly so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

SIL and brother sat there thinking I was a debby downer and ruining the dinner .. I don't care and I'm in no hurry to see them again.

It's possible to find some humour funny without agreeing with the general thrust of the content. Telling a homophobic joke or laughing at one, for instance, does not necessarily imply homophobic views.

I suppose the alternative to not laughing along would have been to have just let it go and busied myself for 30 seconds, rather than ‘make a point’. I imagine the acquaintances likely view me as ‘hard work’ - I don’t care too much about what they think as they’re not my friends and I’m totes fine with that, but it’s about being generally more serious than I need to be at times. But also I worked very hard at keeping my mouth shut on multiple occasions - nothing offensive, just annoying comments like “wow your garden is so amazing, wish ours was like that” etc when I know full well the comment isn’t true. So trying to focus on that too!

Gently, OP, is this really a man you respect, and a relationship you want to remain in? You don’t sound like ‘hard work’, but you seem to have to work very hard upon keeping quiet when your DH ‘performs’ socially.

Your logic is totally incomprehensible.

As I said his crimes as a partner supersede the jokes. I don't care what they think of me, and he doesn't care what I think of him. Was just trying to give insight for the OP

The humour is generally in the situation, the subject being of secondary importance or even irrelevant.

I’m sure the ‘humour’ of homophobic jokes strikes gay people as by far the primary thing. I mean, all those jokes about shirtlifters and limp wrists and ‘Backs to the wall, boys’ were just hilarious back in the day, too, right? And had gay people rolling in the aisles.

Its about confidence OP and being true to yourself. It's absolutely fine not to pretend to be ok with a bigoted joke if you're not a bigot. So provided you didn't go at him all guns blazing and keep on about it, calling him out was fine, normal behaviour. If people roll their eyes and think you're a kill joy, so what? Just means they're not really your type, and you knew that already. As for putting down your home, that's your husband's insecurity and his problem. You're happy with your home, so his fawning and people pleasing doesn't change that.

I suppose what I'm saying is, you're asking the wrong question. You shouldn't be asking how to lighten up to fit in with a bunch of people who don't really matter. You should be asking how you can be confident as you are.

Unfortunately I don't have a definitive answer to that. But surrounding yourself with like minded people who you really like helps. As does getting older!

Your partner makes racist and sexist jokes to get laughs... and you just grin and bear it! How awful, can't imagine being with someone who made jokes like that... and it IS him clearly.

You sound like you’re not too comfortable with superficial or false pleasantries - this is then exacerbated when it tips from superficial to something you objectively disagree with. You can’t tolerate laughing along because this goes against your values and who you are.
Personally I’d far rather be friends with someone like you, who is prepared to speak up when something is wrong rather than go along with it for the sake of being nice. That’s not a kill joy, that’s someone with integrity and a mind of their own. Your husband sounds like he lacks this, or social anxiety/fear of being not being liked leaves him behaving in a way that isn’t true to himself.