BIL and SIL meet up

[Chrysanthemumma]

I have avoided seeing my BIL the last few years as I find him difficult. He moved to this country a few years back and came to stay with us for a few months before getting his own place. He was in a difficult situation and I was ready to welcome him with open arms. However I found him a difficult house guest tbh. He is very opinionated didn't hold back from telling us how we did things in the house wrong, never took us out for a meal etc and rarely went out to give us a bloody break! He was having a hard time though at the time so I put up with it but was relieved when SIL joined him and they got their own place.

The other big thing with him and SIL is that they have totally rejected their adult daughter as she is gay. Other family members including DH and our kids attended the wedding of her and her wife abroad, BIL and SIL ignored it. I find this awful of them, how can they be like that? Religious reasons apparently.

DH has just informed me that they are visiting tomorrow - great! How can I handle this? I don't want to cause a scene but again I don't want to be friendly like nothing happened. DH thinks I am completely unreasonable as they are his only relatives living in this country.

For various reasons I can't go out for the day to avoid them. I thought I might greet them coolly, not say much, and let him take them out for a meal and I won't go? What would you do?
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Just realised that I didn't give this a very gripping title so probably won't get many replies, too late! I should have gone to AIBU maybe...

It is possible to disagree with someone and still be polite. You don't have to be anything other than that.

I don't know, I think being deliberately off with them is a bit childish and uncomfortable for your dh.

(Although I'd be really fucked off with your dh, that he's put you in the position with so little notice.)

I'd make an excuse not to go to dinner, but I think you should be pleasant while with them.

Hi bil and sil. Dn’s wedding was so beautiful and what a wonderful wife she has.
Shame you missed it because of your homophobia.

Too much?

He’s a religious bigot who’s mindless enough to have rejected his daughter because his religion told him to. Or even more stupid if he’s taken it to the extreme of rejecting his daughter because he “thinks” his religion tells him to. Either way, he’s a moron. Goodness knows what other “opinionated “ nonsense he will feel the need to share.
I’d just approach it like he’s got a bit of a screw loose and not stress.

Yes I think it's horrible about poor DN. Other family members attended and were supportive to DN but nobody will tackle BIL about it!

Oh yes I was going to be polite, just not overly chatty.

You can't fix stupid OP, you can only tolerate it. Take a deep breath and know that the vast majority of people think just like you do. My religious parents were very racist, and homophobic, and by the end, I was just very embarrassed for them.

Just be cordial, you’re not going to change their mindset or homophobia.

Let them go out for a meal.

But why is your DH entertaining them in your home?

I'm sure you've got up this morning with a bit of a tummy upset haven't you OP? You may have to go for a bit of a lie down when they're here, and can happily send them out for a meal without joining.

Why the hell is your DH only telling you yesterday that they're coming today? It's a bit short notice to suddenly go to another family member for the day. I'm assuming none of the four of you have standard Mon- Fri jobs either if they're coming on a Monday?

Well they live in a different city so I suppose it might be a bit awkward to only agree to meet them at the restaurant as they will be driving a few hours. DH has visited their place without me the last few times he's seen them.

It's obviously not just my home, so how can I stop DH? I am pretty annoyed at the short notice though, but apparently I'm unreasonable!

BIL is pretty thick skinned as well and can't imagine I don't want to see them, or there's anything wrong.

@SparklyGlitterballs we are all a bit older and semi-retired in recent years.

Yeah I suppose it is a joint home, but like you would irritate me!

I bloody hate bigots!

Hold the higher moral ground, be breezy and happy and spit in their tea!

Polite but cool & distant would be my approach too. Bigotry, especially towards one's own child is vile.

He's basically a selfish, arrogant, nasty minded and unforgiving git. If your DH wants him in the house, fine, he can host him. I'd have a sudden need to get some work finished to an urgent deadline.

They'll be here in a hour or less! Wish me luck.

I have scurried around cleaning but I won't prepare food /snacks. I've said to DH that he's the host.

I hope you have a picture of DN wedding in a prominent position! Be polite, be gracious, either bite your tongue or calmly challenge any bigoted comments, talk about your new interest in gender politics/tattoos/vaginas in art/naturism, make a really complicated meal that keeps you in the kitchen for ages, count the hours till they go, the second they leave sit down with a drink and leave DH to do all the clearing up! And breathe!