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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship concerns

3 replies

Kklyfe82 · 18/05/2025 16:58

Hey, I have a question nonjudgmental please I’m in a relationship with a guy that I have been in for the last nine years. I know that is a long time, however when I met him, the woman he had been with for 21 years married for seven of the 21 years and has five kids plus a stepdaughter that he helped praise. She had passed away six months before we got together and he had lost his son 30 days after she passed.

my question is should I continue to hang on and relationship his family kids, etc. do not like me because they think I was his wife’s friend and we were messing around prior to her passing away. That was not to be the case at all. His kids are still expect him to participate in stuff that they do for their mom anniversary of her passing birthday he has started another life with me still not forgetting his grandkids or his deceased wife. My question is should I continue to hold onto this situation? No one hasn’t gotten any better. I’m not being selfish at all because I understand to be very beginning. Everybody was a little and still as heartbroken and that’s understandable but nine years later they’re still acting weird towards me of course I’m gonna do what I wanna do no matter what the advice is. Just curious though should I am I wasting my time or shall I continue to hold on or should I move on my life and find somebody that’s really gonna love me not saying he doesn’t but the continually of bringing her up at the 10 years or so it’s getting to be a bit much.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 18/05/2025 17:22

There are ways of continuing the relationship such as living separately and seeing each other without his children.

Many children resent their parent's new partner and their mother died so they may see that as a betrayal.

What exactly are they doing that's making the relationship unbearable?

WhoAmIToTellYou · 18/05/2025 17:59

It depends. How old are you? Do you want kids of your own with him?
I’d hang on if there was a chance of improvement. It would be lovely to have a big family if everyone gets on allright. But if it stays the way it is, you’re running the risk of being the hated stepmother, what is it you’ll gain from that, nothing.

How old are the kids and has he had conversation with his family to explain your sitiation? You are running the risk of bejng ostracized here for lifetime, is that what you want?

PenguinPuffinPelican · 18/05/2025 18:08

It's not very clear what you are bothered by:

Is it that he 'isn't really gonna love you'? Not sure if you really mean 'like he loved his wife'?

if it's that- you cannot compete with a ghost. If that's in your head, and you can't move past it- then yes you should move on.

Is it that others don't accept the relationship?

consider why this bothers you. What can or have you done to develop relationships?

Is it that you resent his participation in rituals that value his wife on her birthday and death day?

IMO, you cannot be in a relationship with a widower if you can't see this is normal and important. Would you want him to carry on regardless on your birthday, if he outlived you?

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