I got pregnant with a guy that I had been dating and found out after he had ended things in a pretty horrible way.
Basically he walked out during a petty argument he started the night after I told him I was falling for him and then led me on for weeks saying he had spotted a possible red flag and needed space to think (to this day I have no idea what that was). He then ended things over the phone saying he couldn’t get over it 30 mins before he a had asked to meet me.
I found out about the pregnancy about 2/3 weeks later. His initial reaction was to tell me to abort despite me saying I was keeping it with or without his support. He said if I was keeping it then he was going to be involved, he wasn’t happy though. I knew he didn’t want more kids (already has 3 grown up kids) and I had said I didn’t want them (40 and no kids and in reality knew for me to have them I ideally wanted the marriage first and knew it would likely be too late and didn’t want to be too old). This was a shock and I thought ok it might be my only chance to be a mum.
My only terms were he had to show consistency throughout the pregnancy and form a friendship with me if he wanted to be involved. After all we had only been dating 9/10 weeks and the man I thought he was he wasn’t (his actions with the breakup etc made me realise this pretty quickly). He only came to one hospital appointment gave me support on and off if it suited him. It was totally mixed signals and messed with my head and didn’t help pregnancy hormones were raging. one minute the perfect dad to be bringing me food and helping with some DIY then the next ignoring me. It was a pretty horrible pregnancy and I had threatened miscarriages, I kept him informed and not once did he offer to come to the hospital or even drive me. He just kept saying for me to stop worrying and get on with things. I ended up having to deliver alone at 18 weeks, he ignored calls from me and the hospital. Not once has he asked how I was doing since then. All I got was a message asking for some scan pictures, then a copy of the photos I have of my baby after delivery.
Fast forward to now I was dating again but was struggling to accept men for who they are. If they show consistency and seem like decent guys I start to self sabotage (online dating) I was also scared to progress things physically (pregnancy is a real worry). I am getting therapy and talking really is helping. I’ve since met a great guy (I think and hope) he’s shown consistency, is the one saying he wants to take things slowly (physically and dating), is respectful etc. we met in real life. So far all we’ve done is share a few kisses. He hasn’t asked for more or even tried anything. He said he wants to build a real connection with someone before getting more intimate. It’s only been a few weeks (likely 12ish dates) so it’s very early days and I know it might not work with him.
Does anyone have any tips to help me stop self sabotaging? So far the going slow is helping but every so often I find myself almost cancelling a date, using feeble excuses. I’ve also caught myself closing down (I guess more like not opening up) despite me being ok with sharing. It’s hard to explain.
I know logically there are good men out there and that chances of me getting pregnant are slim if I have an IUD and we use condoms.
i want to open up more to him but I’m finding it hard. Should I be more open about what I’m thinking and why? I’m trying to stick to 2/3 dates a week. With just basic messages between (no in depth stuff, just a morning and good night message plus a few of how’s your day etc). We’ve been keeping the getting to know you face to face.
Am I being too quick to move on (I lost my baby in Jan) ? Or will the right guy understand? Is that something I should be sharing so early in the dating game? I really like him and so far as I say he seems like a great guy. Divorced 2 years and had a brief relationship since (he wanted a relationship she just wanted casual). He knows it’s been about 18 months since I had anything serious and October last year since the last short term thing (dad of baby). He’s been really open about his divorce and has actually been really respectful of his ex wife. I’ve been kind of open with him. He knows partly why I ended things with my long term partner and just that it didn’t work with the guy from last year. He knows I had a late term miscarriage but not when or the circumstances.
Can anyone help a girl out? I know I’m totally over the man, I struggled with how he treated me and our unborn baby and I guess I don’t think I’ll ever be over the loss of the baby. Should I open up? Part of me wants to run away but the bigger part of me wants to see where it goes. I know he’s picking up on me changing the subject now and this is where self sabotaging comes in, I’m being avoidant. I hated when men done this and did put me off. I would rather they say they don’t want to talk about it or be honest or even say I will tell you about another time. Should I tell him more or just say I don’t want to discuss it yet ?