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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separated but still living together

8 replies

Lovelylemons17 · 18/05/2025 14:21

DP of 21 yrs ended relationship 4 weeks ago. Doesn’t love me, doesn’t feel right anymore, wants clean break. Both 49 no DCs. Total shock for me even though we have had more disagreements lately. He has felt like this for 8 months! No OW, he swears.

Still living together due to finances and got to sell house but it’s killing me as I still love him but he is not interested in trying again. Obviously I am sad and have been crying a lot and sometimes getting angry. He was quite upset and kind in the first 2 weeks but now seems to be getting annoyed and making insensitive comments… I heard him say ‘for fucks sake’ a few times when he has heard me crying and also says ‘you will be fine’ ‘it’s a fresh start’, ‘you need to be more resilient’ Given the length of time we have been together and the life we have built, I find these comments really hurtful and flippant…am I being too sensitive?? Any advice on how to cope with living together in this situation?

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 18/05/2025 14:27

I would bet my house there's another woman.

Focus on the divorce, don't do anything for him such as cooking or laundry. Move into a separate bedroom. Separate finances. Take half out of the joint account.

Wikivorce has lots of advice on divorce, the CABx website has lots of information. See a family law solicitor and get advice.

If you're struggling look into counselling. You can find someone on BACP.

Original poster
Lovelylemons17 · 18/05/2025 14:30

Thank you, should just add we are not married but all finances and house ownership is shared

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 18/05/2025 14:46

Lovelylemons17 · 18/05/2025 14:30

Thank you, should just add we are not married but all finances and house ownership is shared

Then separate finances and decide what is happening regarding the house. Is it going up for sale or is one of you buying the other out?

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 18/05/2025 14:47

Probably everyone will tell you there is an ow, and maybe there is, but to me that’s irrelevant. All this “he’s had his head turned” pits women against women. If there is another woman then it still indicates something was missing for him. He’s telling you he isn’t happy and maybe you can work through that but that will take you both having an honest look at the relationship to see what was missing.

Focus on you for now. What do you want and need outside of your relationship? Don’t let a relationship define who you are as a person - you were someone before you met him. Find that person again and do her justice.

OchreRaven · 18/05/2025 14:53

There is another woman, it’s classic cheater script. He doesn’t want to admit it and be the bad guy.

But it’s irrelevant as there is no way back from this. You are totally justified in feeling devastated. But don’t show him your emotions. He wants out and any show of emotion from you makes him feel guilty so he turns nasty. Maybe one day he will be remorseful in how he has dealt with this situation, maybe not. But it’s no longer about him. It’s about you, and what you want. Get therapy. Throw yourself into a hobby, lean on friends and family. He is not who you are. You will get through this and be a stronger person without him. Let karma deal with him.

S0j0urn4r · 18/05/2025 15:04

You've been together 21 years. This has come out of the blue so of course you won't be skipping through the daisies after 4 weeks.
The good news is he's no longer your p so you can behave how you want without worrying about his feelings. If that .means having a cry then crack on. If he doesn't like it he can leave the room.
Do you have friends/ family to spend time with? Could you get out to the gym/cinema/ whatever? It helps to keep occupied.
I'm sorry this has happened. xxx

pikkumyy77 · 18/05/2025 15:10

S0j0urn4r · 18/05/2025 15:04

You've been together 21 years. This has come out of the blue so of course you won't be skipping through the daisies after 4 weeks.
The good news is he's no longer your p so you can behave how you want without worrying about his feelings. If that .means having a cry then crack on. If he doesn't like it he can leave the room.
Do you have friends/ family to spend time with? Could you get out to the gym/cinema/ whatever? It helps to keep occupied.
I'm sorry this has happened. xxx

This is goid advice. You do whatever you want. You were in a partnership snd he has unilaterally ended it. You have to accept it but you don’t have to be happy about it.

However, I would add, dig deep and find your anger. This will help you feel less vulnerable and pathetic. These feelings are natural but they don’t help you feel safe cutting loose from this dead relationship. Take a deep breath snd realize that you are going to have a fresh start. Better now than a year or two from now.

Thatsthebottomline · 18/05/2025 15:26

The best advice on living together with someone ypu not with is to not live with them. You can waste time wondering of there's another woman and of there is, there is, it doesn't really matter. This relationship is dead in the water, best plan now is to sort out the finances and get him to move out.

Whatever happens there's no point in "trying again" or "talking about it" . Nows the ideal time to meet someone twenty years younger than you and have the best sex you've ever had.

Point him in the direction of bedsits.

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