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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is worse? Cheating online, or in person?? Does it matter??

13 replies

emmabemmasmom · 20/05/2008 10:20

Some background: 3 years ago I was coming to Scotland to go to Uni and I met my now husband online. We spoke for 9 months and then I came over...we fell in love got engaged and then I had to go back to the states in June. We set our wedding for December and in November we started having really bad issues (almost canceled wedding) for various reasons but it was mostly just being apart and planning a wedding that stressed us out.

Now we are married for over a year and we could not be happier...I KNOW my husband doesn't do anything stupid...he is amazing and very attentive. Which is why I was suprised...

However, the other day we were sitting and looking through his sent messages together reading old e-mails we sent to eachother. I know his password and he knows mine..no secrets. Well as we were sitting there I noticed a message from a not very nice sounding name and was like whats this? I opened it and well after some digging (all with him goin 'I don't know') I found he had another e-mail address that he opened the month before we got married and well there were pictures of other people and after some talking I got the story out. He thought we were over and so yeah he did talk to a few other women. He said it was only a few weeks and then he thought 'why am i doing this' and stopped. I believe him as these messages were dated to 06 and the account had been inactive since then as well with the last sign in date a few weeks after that.

Am I right to be hurt that he would do this even if it is to some stranger online? I guess because that is how we met...and also the timing! While we were planning our wedding...well we have talked a lot and he told me everything and it is not that bad...could be worse and I love him and I know he would never do it again. I am just still hurt...

So what is worse? Am I being stupid to care? It would be like if he watched porn when I was at work...I would be like whatever (rather watch with me) so why does this bother me so much? Cause he talked to them...?? I dont know what to do!!!

Sorry so long

OP posts:

LuckySalem · 20/05/2008 10:30

emma - I think you shouldn't need to worry if it was when he thought you were breaking up.

I can understand it would upset you but if he says its over you have to trust him. Explain to him it's upset you and then try to get through it.

I hope your ok.

littlewoman · 20/05/2008 10:37

Perhaps you are upset because you didn't know the extent to which your relationship was in danger last November. Clearly he thought you were nearly over, and maybe you didn't know you were that close to it? He didn't communicate it to you, so you realise that he may not be the wide open book that you thought?

littlewoman · 20/05/2008 10:38

That does not mean you can't trust him now. It's bound to be a shock that you didn't know this about him, but you trust him now. That's more important.

nearlybonkers · 20/05/2008 10:39

Yes as someone's who's DP did have an affair, there is no comparison. Lots of people live in a fantasty on the web. Internet flirting is just like flirting at the office do, if it goes no further, there's no harm.

Original poster

emmabemmasmom · 20/05/2008 10:39

Yeah I can understand where he is coming from as I also had boubts and chances to be stupid...be he says it is no excuss and he is right.

I DO trust him as he told me things that were hard to hear. He was upset and cried and said he was afraid of losing me...

He said there was nothing else...he couldn't even remember the password but knowing him so well it took 2 guesses and I was in and the dates match up with his story.

I guess because that is the way we met and it was special to me that time...it hurts to think that he spoke to other people the way he spoke to me. He says he never did speak to them the way he spoke to me, and it was just a few times with 3 people.

I am worried as I have gone into Dadsnet and am suprised at the 40-50yr old men who cheat online and in person, and I don't want that to be us.

He has always been open and honest (except about this) and talks to me about everything so I don't think we will be one of those couples.

Just not a nice thing to find out, you know? But as I said it could be worse! I know someone who is divorcing her DH cause she found stuff and it has been going on for years behind her back. Maybe with that going on with her, it is just making my imagination go wild.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 20/05/2008 10:40

"He said it was only a few weeks and then he thought 'why am i doing this' and stopped. I believe him as these messages were dated to 06 and the account had been inactive since then as well with the last sign in date a few weeks after that"

I think you'll be ok

but I can understand why it upsets you even though it's obvious it was a long time ago and he realised what he was doing wasn't worth it. Don't beat yourself or him up.

Original poster

emmabemmasmom · 20/05/2008 10:45

Nearlybonkers: I am sorry to hear that, and yes it could be worse I know, and I don't want my story to come off like it is the end of the world when others are having harder times, so I really hope it has not come off like that.

My dad recently confessed to my mom that he cheated on her with one person during the planning of their wedding too. The woman even came to the wedding!! And she didn't find this out until 10 years of marriage and it devestaed her. And my dad is NOT the kind of guy that you would think would do that...

Good to know that I am being a little crazy here. I will be the first to admit that I am a jealous type and I don't like the idea of my DH getting his jollies with anyone but me...even some skank on the internet.

OP posts:

littlewoman · 20/05/2008 10:46

I think he probably didn't talk to them the way he spoke to you. Clearly you were his primary relationship because you got married in the end. But when things are going wrong between couples, it destroys our self-confidence, and we do tend to look about us thinking "well, it can't be my fault because so-and-so fancies me. It must all be DP's fault we are falling apart". It's just a contingency plan, to make ourselves feel better if it does all go wrong with DP.

I expect he was terrified of you finding this out. Now that the worst has happened and you know how remorseful he is, try not to hold it against him. It wasn't an affair. Much more likely an ego boost when he felt his future was falling apart (((hug)))

Original poster

emmabemmasmom · 20/05/2008 10:51

Thank you Littlewoman...that makes me feel a lot better.

He used to play poker a lot online and that is how he met these women and gave them his secret msn (not really secret I suppose...we always used Yahoo so I never asked if he had anything else and it did also have family on it when I broke into it).

He has also never played poker online since then either.

Thank you everyone for the kind words and slap in the face that it is not that bad

OP posts:

chunkychips · 20/05/2008 10:51

It's a shock to find out, but I would put it behind you now, it was when you were unsure about everything and he hasn't used the account since. Don't let it spoil your relationship, it really doesn't matter now as long are you are both committed to each other and you trust him.

getmeouttahere · 20/05/2008 17:43

I think you need to move on and put it behind you.

Pheebe · 20/05/2008 22:18

I also met my husband online so can understand where you're coming from. Those early conversations are very precious (we still have paper copies). I know he was talking to other women when we first started to talk and I used to really hate that, a couple still pestered him for quite a while. But we've been married 6 years this year and have 2 gorgeous boys and you know what I've come to realise that out of all those women (there were 3 others I know of) he chose to be with me. There was something special and different about us, we chose each other really. I don't see it as any different to RL dating, you play the field and make your choice.

The timing was unfortunate but hey he thought you were breaking up and even so he knocked it on the head and focused on marrying you. He had a tiny wobble, call it pre-wedding nerves if you will, bless him. But he's all yours now enjoy!

Original poster

emmabemmasmom · 22/05/2008 10:45

Thank you everyone for the kind words and reasurrance

We have talked a lot and I am feeling a lot better now. I do trust him with all my heart, and I know now that it is not as bad as it could have been, so for that I feel lucky.

Thank you again everyone for taking your time to give me your thoughts It really helps to have a place like this to talk about things and get some good honest advise!

OP posts:

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