Am I being unreasonable

[Popett1]

I’ve been with my partner for 26 years. He is a total mummies boy (umbilical cord never cut!) and at 65 he still lives at home!!! His father passed away approximately 6 years ago. I am 12 years younger than him and was diagnosed with a chronic illness approx 8 years ago. During Covid I was left on my own but got so poorly had to move in with my elderly parents both are over 75 and who had had strokes! I had a major operation but he didn’t come to look after me when back at home, that was again left to my old folks. I only ever see him at weekends and even then he phones her 3 times a day (usually it’s a right carry on). It’s the same when we go on holiday. His mother was taken into hospital approx 5 weeks ago (hospital have not said it’s terminal) he spends every day there. He has been signed off from work by his GP! I’ve been very poorly during this time but again he has just left my elderly parents to try and look after me but this is really starting to impact on their health. He has come to see me for approx 5 hours during this time. It is very clear that his only commitment has ever been to his mother and I’m a secondary consideration and over the years my heart has hardened toward him, it’s more like a friendship it’s certainly not a relationship. Whilst I feel very sorry for him this daily hospital vigil thing and no to little time for me and living our life is the final straw for me - could go on for many more months/years. I’m 54 and of ill health and so need to live life. I don’t feel like I can wait around anymore and still young enough to find happiness with someone else if they come along. I have also long suspected he may be gay and I’ve just been used. I have therefore decided I should walk away from him. I do feel very sorry for him and know the timing isn’t great for him but given he’s not given any thought of impacts on me and our life and the fact that my parents health is being negatively impacted should I feel guilty? Am I overreacting and being totally selfish? Any thoughts on the words I can use to tell him at this difficult time?

He doesn't sound like a partner.

What do you get from the relationship? Anything?

I'd suggest that there's no romantic relationship and therefore nothing to end. Should he think there IS a relationship just tell him you don't want any further contact with him and you're moving on.

Yes definitely move on. He is not going to change. Tell him the relationship doesn’t work for you anymore. You want a lot more out of your life.

Stop wasting more of your life on him

You are not overreacting OP. Sorry you're going through this.

You don't sound selfish at all. It looks like you've been conditioned to put him first above your own needs and he's taking advantage.

You'd be better off on your own and then with the chance to find someone else if that's what you want.

I hope you feel better soon x

Crikey. Seems a bit odd to say the least. If ever he is ready for a real living together situation he will likely be an old man. I don't think I would be waiting around for that tbh.

part time friendship I guess and a shared love of travel, but that’s about it really in all honesty. When I was a lot younger I used to upset me but I now just feel resentful toward him and do t even think it’s a friendship that I want to salvage.

You’ve been with a chap who has been living with his parents for twenty six years???? No red flag there, then! This man isn’t a partner, and you are a friend with benefits (or maybe not even that, if you suspect he might be gay). I don’t know why on earth you’ve been hanging around with him all this time - move on, and don’t look back!

Ooft. This is CRAZY. I'm a similar age (55) and wouldn't put up with this for 26 days, let alone 26 years. You've been stuck in this situation since you were 28? Surely not? It's time to move on!!

Totally not being selfish or overreacting at all. In fact you’re actually “under-reacting” by putting up with this strange relationship for decades.

My maths isn’t great but I think You got with him when he was approx 40 and you were 28. Is this really the way you saw your lives panning out?

No wonder at age 40 he went for someone so young, a woman his age would’ve been far less tolerant.

You acknowledge you’re not his priority.
Can I ask why did you tolerate this for so long?

Do you have any kids from previous relationships ? Who did you live with pre-pandemic - have you always lived alone?

The issue is you don’t actually have a life together, despite your respective ages I’d have to call this man your boyfriend rather than your partner. And even then not a very good boyfriend. I’d call it quits and do some work to find why you felt this is what you deserved.

This is honestly really sad to imagine a young woman signed up to being with this kind of man 26 years ago and stuck by him all this time.

This is a partner? Define partner.

I have also long suspected he may be gay and I’ve just been used. I have therefore decided I should walk away from him

I can guess why you might think this from what you’ve shared but wondering if there’s anything in particular that has happened which makes you suspect this?

I’m a bit gobsmacked that you’ve put up with this non-relationship for 26 years! For the love of god just cut him off. What a terrible waste of your life. I hope you find peace and happiness.

OP we live and learn, suffer and forget. Just end it. No relationship ends well and as you point out when you have needed him to step up he has never been there the way you need.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You’ve been more tolerant, patient and undemanding than most would be.
Even now, your focus in part is on the impact on him, timing etc. He doesn’t seem to reciprocate. He didn’t have any of the same regard for you.
You have a lot to give. Chronic illness is a challenge but with the right person you could still have lots of new adventures. Go no contact and draw a line.

What an absolutely waste of 26 years. He’s a no-hoper OP. If you carry on like this, he’ll go straight from mummy to a nurse with a purse - you.

Move on before you waste any more time.

I have always lived alone and don’t have any children from previous relationships. I’ve always been a bit of a loner, I have always found social interactions difficult, difficult to make friends etc. I am independent with a very good job and when I was young very attractive (so I’ve been told) but I’ve always lacked self esteem and confidence. I’m an only child as is he and we just clicked. I’ve always found it really odd that someone his age still lived at home (we met when he was 37) and even odder that he would wash and blow dry his mother hair every week, paint her nails (he is’nt a hairdresser/beautician) and certainly when I was younger if I bought myself some clothing or jewellery he liked he then bought it for his mother, it got to the point that I would hide stuff until I knew they were sold out. When you write it out like this it’s all very creepy. I know I should have walked away years ago and it is very sad that that lovely young girl wasted the best years of her life, probably because of my social awkwardness and lack of self esteem. I did try to walk away just after Covid, he said things would change but they haven’t so this is the last straw.

Aw I’m so sorry OP. I don’t want to make you feel worse by pointing out wasted years that you can’t get back, so all I’ll say is cut your losses, end this now and look towards the future.

Please seek therapy if you can afford it. There also good books or YouTube videos you might find that can help address your lack of self-esteem. Do you have any close friends?

As you well know this isn’t a good or healthy relationship, he is clearly using you and irrespective of whether that’s as a “beard” (a term used for women gay men date to hide their sexuality) or for another reason it’s time to leave. And yeah it does sound creepy, he is very enmeshed with his mother which would make me feel queasy to say the least.

You must be a saint op!
This isn't how proper adult relationships should be...

Please don't waste any more years on this joke of a relationship!

Don’t beat yourself up OP. It’s no wonder you resent him. Will never understand older blokes who opt to take the best years of a younger woman’s life and then don’t even have the courtesy to even vaguely do right by them. FS leave them be so someone decent can be with them. You’ve developed a great career no thanks to anyone so should feel rightly proud. You’ve already shown too you can take care of yourself when you need to and in spite of him.
Delete his number and start planning what you’d like from life. Don’t be surprised if he comes round promising you the moon and the stars… or appears upset. Of course he will be. Old Faithful moved on. Running Bates Motel keep him busy!
You deserve so much more and just hoping in few months you come back on here to tell us you’re on a cruise, being wined and dined by a fantastic bloke.

Walk away now. And enjoy the REST of your life 🥰❤️

Look forward rather than back, OP. There's nothing in this relationship for you so I'd end it and look at making new friends. Do you have any hobbies?

Absolutely this! Good luck to you 🤗

You’ve seen the light at last! After 26 years!

Sorry op it does sound very odd - his behaviour and the whole relationship. It’s a shame you didn’t end it before but you had your reasons. Good luck finishing it and stick to your guns.