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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Unintentional emotional blackmail

5 replies

Futureproof97 · 17/05/2025 12:04

I have been with my husband nearly 9 years, married 1, and he has always really struggled with his mental health (abusive parents) and I have always been the one who has been strong and there to support him, which obviously I have been happy to do.
But recently I had an experience where I was working away for a few weeks and I realised I felt so free from being around him and was able to laugh and have fun and felt like a part of me I didn't know i'd lost was starting to come back, there was also a new collegue who I seemed to have a spark with (no lines crossed) that made me realise that spark has gone with my husband and I don't know if I enjoy being around him anymore as the emotional weight of constantly supporting him has broken me.
We've had lots of long chats are both of us are going to therapy but I am worried I won't ever be able to get the spark in our relationship back or the spark within myself back.
Leaving him isn't something I want to do at all as we can be so good together but leaving also couldn't ever be an option as he has very openly told me throughout our entire relationship i'm the best thing to ever happen to him and he'd be dead without me.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation and did that spark ever come back?

OP posts:
BirdsongLightly · 17/05/2025 13:18

Are you not able to laugh and have fun when you are with your husband?

Futureproof97 · 17/05/2025 13:34

Not as much as we used too. Feels quite forced now

OP posts:
Imsososohungry · 17/05/2025 13:53

Depends what you mean by spark? A 9 year relationship is never going to have the same spark as a new one

BirdsongLightly · 17/05/2025 14:23

The spark you feel with someone new is always different to the feeling for a long term partner, but it doesn't mean it is better. But you should be able to feel happy and have fun with your husband - not 24/7 but when you are on holiday perhaps? or nights out? just sometimes...?

S0j0urn4r · 17/05/2025 15:04

Years ago my friend's bf of about 6 months told her he'd kill himself if she ever left him.
She left. He's still around.
You can't be responsible for someone else's life.
You should be with your DH because you want to be not because you're scared of what will happen if you leave.
Keep on with the therapy. Try and find some joy together: holidays, trying new activities, whatever.

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