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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to enjoy this time, and not feel so lost

5 replies

lavendernight · 17/05/2025 11:08

I got married very young to a significantly older man, it wasn’t a healthy dynamic and it took me nearly 10 years to escape. I finally filed for divorce last year, moved out into my own lovely home. I have a child with him and we share custody, I loved my time with my child but also loved my freedom. I started dating, had one fling and then fell hard for someone. He very quickly became everything to me, it was everything I had never had in my marriage: chemistry, passion, similarities, fun. I was completely caught up in it all, unfortunately things happened and I had to walk away. I know it is the right and only decision. I keep telling myself that for all those years in my marriage I longed for this, freedom, my own space, to be single and find someone who I could have a life I deserved with. I’m trying to appreciate exactly what I have, but I feel so lost. I’m not racing back on to the apps, I know I need time to heal and to be at peace in my own life, but I don’t know how. I already have great friends I see a lot of, I already exercise, I already have a great bond with my child and enjoy my time with them, I already love my job. I know my life is good. I know I’m lucky. I’m only 28, I know I’ll find love again, I know I’m a good person, kind, funny, loyal, attractive. I know I bring a lot to the table. I just don’t know how to feel at peace.

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 17/05/2025 11:11

Give it time. You only filed for divorce last year. There's no on/off switch.

lavendernight · 17/05/2025 11:32

I guess so. Maybe it is just that simple. I hate the thought of feeling like this all summer, but I don’t want to try and casually date and get sucked in again.

OP posts:
GreenFressia · 17/05/2025 11:39

I think you need some time to analyse this past relationship you got sucked into. Or you will get sucked in again.

I also think at your age its quite hard - I know I was really into wanting to couple up at that age. It was a biological pull.

lavendernight · 17/05/2025 11:58

I do recognise why I got sucked in, it was filling every void I’d ever had in my marriage. I noticed the dynamic becoming unhealthy, and I noticed what it was doing to me and that I wasn’t being myself which is why I ended it. I am proud of myself for ending it. It took me so long to leave my ex and it definitely feels like progress that I recognised what was happening and got out of it. I do think I’d be more wary dating now, rather than just jumping in head first, so something good came from it. It is just that, like you said, this longing to be with somebody. I do worry at this age, it is harder, everyone has baggage by now, I worry all the bests on are already taken, that includes me being single, I do have baggage and a lot of men my age might not want to take that on. It is scary. It does feel like I’m running out of time.

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 17/05/2025 12:08

lavendernight · 17/05/2025 11:58

I do recognise why I got sucked in, it was filling every void I’d ever had in my marriage. I noticed the dynamic becoming unhealthy, and I noticed what it was doing to me and that I wasn’t being myself which is why I ended it. I am proud of myself for ending it. It took me so long to leave my ex and it definitely feels like progress that I recognised what was happening and got out of it. I do think I’d be more wary dating now, rather than just jumping in head first, so something good came from it. It is just that, like you said, this longing to be with somebody. I do worry at this age, it is harder, everyone has baggage by now, I worry all the bests on are already taken, that includes me being single, I do have baggage and a lot of men my age might not want to take that on. It is scary. It does feel like I’m running out of time.

You should be proud of yourself for recognising that stuff and walking away. I'm proud of you!
It's very easy to keep repeating the same cycle of mistakes. You're smart enough to see that!
You don't have to jump into another relationship. You are allowed to just date for fun. No massive commitments.
28 is young.
I met the love of my life in my late 40s when I'd pretty much stopped looking. I was fulfilled and happy on my own. He just enhances everything.
Good luck 🤗

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