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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me understand the thinking here

14 replies

Wreckedtired · 17/05/2025 08:48

14 years married this year. Together a lot longer. I was having big issues in work this week. Threat of someone killing me and obviously having the police involved. I am a manager and had 100ish or so people I was responsible for doing the week. I had buildings on lock down in so far as I could at the request of the police. The person making the threats were visited by the police and also a follow up call was made by the police. Obviously this person is not well and that is known by all and by the police. Not an easy week at all and the voice notes were horrendous, the responsibility of others weighed heavily. But work continued and we got through the week with no incidents.

My husband was unsupportive I felt but I could be wrong. He has literally played Xbox all week in the evenings. He took Wednesday off and wanted me to do too on a whim. I didn’t because I felt I needed to be in with and not let the team deal with this particular issue.I asked him if I got a doctors appointment for one of the kids would he bring them. He said he would but with a face on. Another child asked would he collect them from school since he was home and he said no, they could walk. The walk home everyday usually, 45 minute walk. I asked why he wouldn’t collect them and he started shouting at me saying I never get a day off and what was wrong with them walking. I said nothing but you’re here so what’s the problem. That started more shouting. I got a little upset, probably because I had a lot going on, I wasn’t crying but did say why are you piling on when I’ve enough to deal with this week. He just had a face on so I left with the kids and went on to work. I didn’t even bother trying to get an appointment so he didn’t need to do that and the kids did walk home.

He hasn’t asked about anything in work, proceedings, the police, etc. He has sat in another room on Xbox all week. I just feel so unsupported. There’s nothing he can do but even asking would make me feel better I think. Am I wrong? I’m trying to understand his way of thinking?

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/05/2025 09:02

I would be upset too. Is he usually this uncaring and unsupportive when you are having a tough time? Does he usually dip out of family life so that he can game? To be honest he sounds like a manchild and like he is not setting a good example to your DC of how to be a good father or partner, he sounds self centred and selfish. What are his usual redeeming qualities?

FeatherDawn · 17/05/2025 09:04

He's a selfish uncaring pig

Naepalz · 17/05/2025 09:19

I'm not surprised you feel unsupported. What a truly awful week you have had. Is he generally more supportive or usually like this?
If this is how your life usually is I'd be questioning continuing the relationship. If he is usually more supportive, I think you need to sit down and have a proper discussion of things. Tell him how his behaviour is making you feel. Most people would be rightly horrified at their partner going through what you just have and would really want to to have their back and maybe try and lighten the domestic load a bit for them until the work stuff settles.
If you can get any sort of me time this weekend-take it and be kind to yourself. I hope things get better for you soon.

dudsville · 17/05/2025 09:26

It's a terrible dynamic. Is this always the way it is, is this sustainable?

Rumbley · 17/05/2025 09:43

This behaviour can’t have come out of nowhere and be a complete surprise to you?

This must have been a shitty marriage and husband for… years?

Rumbley · 17/05/2025 09:43

Absolutely awful childhood for your children Op

JadedVeryJaded · 17/05/2025 09:48

A grown man playing Xbox is a turn off but a grown man playing Xbox when he could and should be supporting his wife and parenting his children is a waste of space in your house, OP. Life without him would be simpler and happier for all of you.

Bittenonce · 17/05/2025 17:01

Is he autistic? Or just self-absorbed and unaware? Or a tw*t?
NB none of these are mutually exclusive

Panama2 · 17/05/2025 17:07

My ex husband cheated on his second wife with someone he met online playing games. Obviously not saying your husband doing anything like that but heads up all gaming isn’t always just that

EuclidianGeometryFan · 17/05/2025 18:25

I’m trying to understand his way of thinking?

It goes like this:
I want to play Xbox.
I should get to do this because I want to.
I work all week, I should have a day to myself.
It is only fair that I should get to do what I want.
I really want to play Xbox so that is what I am going to do.

Did you imagine that you or the children actually entered somewhere into his thoughts?

WhiteJasmin · 17/05/2025 21:34

The kids have to walk 45 mins home from school everyday?! Is that literal or includes a bus ride? If they literally have to walk carrying all their books and things, practically speaking I would work on that first.

I do not like grown men playing Xbox, let alone one who prioritises that over their family. As others mentioned hopefully he has some redeeming qualities.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 18/05/2025 10:09

WhiteJasmin · 17/05/2025 21:34

The kids have to walk 45 mins home from school everyday?! Is that literal or includes a bus ride? If they literally have to walk carrying all their books and things, practically speaking I would work on that first.

I do not like grown men playing Xbox, let alone one who prioritises that over their family. As others mentioned hopefully he has some redeeming qualities.

Walking 45 minutes twice a day strikes me as an extremely good thing for healthy teenagers to be doing.
I was never so fit and healthy as the period when I walked 50 minutes each way to college five days a week.

Just make sure they have proper rucksacks with a waist/hip belt to take the weight off their shoulders.

Endorewitch · 08/06/2025 00:11

Selfish and self centred describes him. I feel sorry for you.
Do you love him?If so try and tell him how you feel. But I doubt he will listen. If you don't love him,consider you might be better off without him.

healthybychristmas · 08/06/2025 00:33

He is like a very selfish and lazy teenager

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