Struggling to form friendships

[Dooberryraspberry]

TLDR: I struggle with interpersonal relationships and need help and advice.

So I've concluded I have the social skills of a prawn. Whether it's cptsd or asd is anyone's guess, previous psychiatrists have said as I have a cptsd diagnosis and this mimics asd so I won't get diagnosed with both. I'm also bipolar. But that aside;

I have struggled with friendships all my life. Fine in primary, came to 11 and it all went pete tong. All girls school, victim of bullying, dealing with a lot of shit at home too. I'm generally a nerdy girl, I like my star trek and David Attenborough. To "hide" this side of me, I became faux outgoing, aka hyper, and would periodically burn out from all the effort. Also I had a tendency to talk too much, talk over people, not ask questions etc. I realised when a team I managed complained about me in 2018. It was a huge shock to realise (a) my mask wasn't good enough and (b) no one liked my mask and (c) that I had a mask! I changed career to a back office role and the mask has died per se, but now I'm withdrawn and frozen generally.

Even in my back office roles, I still find people hard to get on with. I seem to upset them and never know how. The woman I work with purposefully ignores me but is lovely to everyone else who pops in to the office. I seem to get on OK when I only see people occasionally but if they are around me a lot, they become hostile. It kills me that I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and frankly I feel lonely and unseen.

That is just about tolerable if I didn't have a husband and child. My DH is lovely, nerdy and awkward and we do ok. But although I got on ok with his friends' wives and partners to begin with, they shun me now. And I feel bad I seemingly isolate him. There was also a big row with his sister, which his mum says is down to lots of little things I've done to annoy her. But I've no idea how to resolve them.

Then there's my DD. She's only 2 and she is amazing. A happy, social loving little girl. I adore her so much. But how can I raise her well if I can't maintain friendships? Will she be the girl without playmates as no mum likes me?

Thanks if you've made it this far. The mumsnet adage is if you're the common denominator then you're the problem. I recognise I'm the problem, I just don't know what I'm doing or not doing, or how to make it better. Any advice would be welcome!

That sounds tough. I’m sorry. There’s no quick fix for this I’m afraid but lots of things you need to work on yourself before you get to the making friends stage.

If you’re financially in a position to afford therapy for the C-PTSD then EMDR and talking therapy are good. If not then go to your GP and ask for a referral.

I would also suggest an assertiveness training course or self help programme to help you with speaking to your colleagues.

Don’t worry your daughter won’t be friendless because of you.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. GP refers me to short term therapies only and that doesn't help. I'm never "bad enough" to access secondary care. I guess private payment is the only way to go.

I relate to some of this. My mask in my 20’s was massively overcompensating- in hindsight I came across as fake-nice and annoying. I still need a mask. If I’m not masking, a lot of the time I’ve got resting bitch face, a miserable voice and don’t feel the enthusiasm for things that everyone else feels a lot of the time - I have to constantly put effort into softening every aspect of myself.

Have you examined how you talk to people and how it comes across? I have to be careful not to be very blunt with people and I had to learn why “Phatic communication” and small talk is important to most people.

Well, I'd take a breath and then find some time when you aren't working or doing other stuff, to think about this calmly.

I have ASD (female line in my family) and I too worried that I would isolate my ds. So right from the start, I made sure he had the basic skills that kids need to join in, ie I taught him to cycle, swim, throw & catch a ball etc. I sent him to a child minder from the age of 3 so he was well socialised with other dcs.

At school, he went to afterschool club so he had a chance to play with other dcs every day, and enrolled him for one out of school activity. He didn't like football so he did karate. On birthdays and last day of term, I made brownies for him to take in and share. Simple bribery but it worked, and was enough. 🙂

Get the basics in place. Then take your time. There will be other parents like you. Join the class whatsapp group and use that to communicate.

On the work stuff, I think part of the problem is your colleagues. I have worked several places where other women were just plain nasty. Don't assume the issue is you. Adults should be mature enough to understand people are different. The last two companies I've worked for, people have been lovely.

I keep my head down, do my work, help people if I am asked, and have had no problems. I make a conscious effort to say good morning, and if someone is looking a bit down I ask how they are. Take a cake in on my birthday. I keep basic stuff, headache pills, plasters, emery board etc in my drawer so I can offer if people need it. Again, it's enough to get a generally positive reception.

Don't try too hard.

Thank you so much. RBF is me exactly, but I'm so terrified of being hyper and coming across too strong if I mask! I will research phatic communication and try and soften myself.

Thank you. That's the approach I've been trying at work, and maybe I've just been unlucky in this job!

I'll take all that on board wirh school/nursery. My parents were (middle class) alcoholics so I never had playdates as a child as no parent wanted my parents around!

Fingers crossed my DD will be OK.