Still angry over emotional cheating

[Mally42]

Hi Mn
DH and I were going through a rough patch in 2023 and a managed to get back on track just before Christmas 2023. However, while I thought we were happy, I had an urge to check his phone and saw friendly and sexual messages to another woman planning to meet up but never happened during our rough patch. I know I had been distant, and his excuse was he had been trying to get attention or whatever from her. I forgave him and I know that I shouldn’t bring it up again if I forgive him. However, I’ve noticed over the years it’s knocked my confidence and trust in him. I go through moments of insecurity, if I see a woman who looks like her It brings it back, I even sometimes get urges to go on his phone again, the whole reason I’m writing this now is because I’m getting upset over it again, thinking how could I have forgiven him, it was so disrespectful what he did and the things he said to her. How could he? I’m ranting now. But how can I move forward from these moments?

I'm assuming that you'd never have known about the messages either, had you not checked his phone?

Once the trust is gone, it's a difficult thing to get that back. You now know he has it in him to seek attention elsewhere if you have another blip in your relationship.

How long have you been married, and do you have DC? Once kids come along they come first and it's not uncommon for men to complain they're not getting enough attention. Only you can decide whether you're likely to forgive him completely and move on. Maybe some couples counselling would help?

I’m so sorry he did that to you.

I’m not sure how much you’ve read into cheating (emotional or physical) but it does take 2-5 years to heal. So you are still healing and not far into the journey.

I have some concerns about your use of the term ‘forgive’ that seems to have prevented you from then questioning him further, having ongoing discussions about how trust is rebuilt for you OR seeking reassurance that you are ‘safe’ now. I also feel that ‘forgiving’ him means that you rug swept it and haven’t processed things and you are in a limbo here. I believe surviving infidelity calls it the ‘plain of lethal flatness’.

FWIW I don’t believe in ‘forgiveness’ for infidelity, I believe in ‘acceptance that it happened and a willingness to move on together’ that mind set puts the onus back on the cheat to be action based on rebuilding and healing.

His reasons aren’t good enough either and you know that. If it was just attention he was seeking what on earth happens when you next have to stop prioritising his needs because of children issues, parental aging, money worries etc etc. He needs to deal with HIS need for validation and ego kibbles. You are NOT his source of happiness and contentment, he is, and he needs to switch that thinking.

If you are to move on from this you need to rethink all of this and get him working on rebuilding trust. Surviving infidelity is a fab site, not just friends by Shirley glass is a great book, leave a cheater gain a life is great for describing cheating mindset.

But most of all remember HE broke this. He fixes it and if he doesn’t or you decide enough is enough you can do that at any point even years later.

Is he really worth it? It's unlikely you'll be back to the place of trust you were beforehand. Sure people do work through these things, but it's not easy.

Did you thoroughly thrash this out at the time? Dud Yi get counselling? Couples counselling?

You’ve justifably got trust and hurt issues, do you discuss these with your DH? How does he react?

Is he still in contact with this woman through work or socially?

Its tough OP.

In the aftermath of an affair, its quite common for a lot of people to think they can forgive or to feel huge surges of emotion that people interpret as enduring love. It's driven, I believe, by an urge tainting the status quo and protect what has been built, and it protects the brain and body from having to deal with the trauma of being cheated on and a relationship breakdown.

Once that settles though and life goes back to 'normal' (as it must) these feelings often resurface.

The giddy, heady emotions of love often feel like the first flushes of new love and romance but they're not because it's tainted. It's not real.