Scared of dating after split from ex due to inexperience.

[uselessatlife]

Hey everyone, I’m not really sure why I’m posting on here, I’m not really looking for advice, just a place to vent.

I split with my dp of over 20 years last year, we have one dc together that we share custody of, that’s a whole other mess but not for today.
He was literally my second boyfriend, and the only man I’d ever been with. I’ve never had a date or dated, I have no sexual or experience of men other than him. It wasn’t a great relationship, but I put up with a lot due to not knowing how useless he was, me being a typical people pleaser and too kind for my own good. The sex was non existent, I think because he couldn’t fulfil any emotional cerebral connection I didn’t want to, (plus I had a fear of sex due to it hurting, I never masturbated on my own for years as the sensation was too much).

Im in my 40s now and I feel like I’ve wasted my life on someone who was emotionally abusive and incredibly selfish. I’ve become more sexually aware as I’ve aged, I’ve learned how to please myself but I’m still a bit nervous of sex, although I get horny as hell.
I think that now I'm older no one is going to want me, all i hear about the dating apps are they’re all awful men who just want sex. Im absolutely terrified of going on a date with a stranger, im a bit quirky so im sure id come across as odd and what would I even talk about.
The thought of someone just wanting me for sex scares me, I want a real emotional connection (I suppose I’m quite romantic at heart), I don’t want sex with someone just because, I’d have to have a cerebral connection or be in a relationship.
is this normal? I sound like an inexperienced teenager, I think most people just assume because your older you must know it all or have had lots of sexual partners.
Im way too nervous to go on any dating apps, I like to meet people naturally, I’ve already joined a choir, I volunteer one day a week in something I’m a total geek for, but they’re all retired and too old for me. Obviously, all the lovely nice men are already taken and I’m scared the ones that are left are ones like my ex, bloody awful.
Im trying to get used to being on my own, I actually really love it, the freedom, I don’t really think I’m ready for anything too serious as I’m loving discovering myself, having my own money etc
I suppose I just get so lonely sometimes, I have friends but no one I’ve ever had a long lasting connection with (I’m a bit much for people because I’m very chatty).
I don’t know, I suppose it would just be nice to know others feel the same as me, that I’m not weird and not alone.
Thanks

Don't go on dating apps. It'd not essential...unless you wish to depress yourself.

Decide not to go on dates for a year. It helped me realise that I was ok by myself. Buy a good vibrator!

If you have good boundaries...and you have to decide what they are...then you will never have an issue again.

You can be in control of relationships. Never settle for second best.

Thank you, yes I think you’re right about not going on any dates for at least a year. I do need to work on myself and understand my boundaries, it’s not that I don’t know what they are I’m just worried I’ll miss cues and red flags. I think the list of what I want will be as long as my arm, I definitely don’t want to settle for just anybody.
The struggle is going to be finding someone available who is decent and not like my ex, I’m afraid all the good ones will be taken.

You're going to be fine.

I met my ex DH when I was 20 and he was my first everything. The sex was bad and then non existent.
I'm now late 30s and realised very quickly that it's a confidence thing. Men don't care if you aren't experienced in those things (some seem to quite like the idea that they could be the one to give you what you've been missing).

However you choose to meet people, just make sure it's on your terms. Only do things when you feel ready and with people you want to.

I'm sadly still single 2 years on but after a year I went on a few dates with a guy and found him very very attractive. I didn't over think it as I felt comfortable with him and but the bullet before I worked myself up about it. I'm now no longer nervous in those situations (although they are still very rare).
There are people out there and it's just luck finding them whether that is online or through other hobbies/work.
Just remember that your past experience doesn't need to define you moving forwards and you'll find things that feel right.

That’s really reassuring Freeflight, thank you.
It’s nice to know there is life on the other side, how long it’ll take for me to pluck up the courage and feel like even attempting a date, god knows.
I know I’ll have to get my boundaries in order first and enjoy being on my own for the first time in years.
How did you find it being with someone else after being with your ex for so long? I’ll be terrified.