how to cope after separation

TidyUser · 2025-05-15T16:52:38+00:00

Hi all. Can someone please give me some advice. I am 34F and 2 weeks ago my husband of one year decided that he wanted a divorce. I am absolutely devastated by this as we only got our house 8 months ago. We were planning on having children and now my whole life feels like it is crumbling around me. This was my first ever relationship and I don't know how to cope with the overwhelming grief and fear that I feel. I don't know what to do. I feel distraught and I don't know how to cope or move on. I really wanted to be a mother and loved being part of a couple and I feel like my dreams of being a wife and mother have been smashed into pieces. I have never liked the idea of online dating and since the relationship started my friends have moved to different cities so my social network is incredibly small. In so many ways my husband was my equal and my life partner and the loss is unbearable for me. I've tried to reconcile with my husband but he's not meeting with me and has not seen me for 3 weeks now. Is it normal to be playing the good parts of the relationship on repeat now - i feel terrified because I never thought he would do this to me and now he's left me and im on my own back with parents which i find embarrasing at this age. Can anyone share their stories of starting over in the mid 30s as I am absolutely terrified of having lost my marriage but also the thought of never being a wife and mum again.

S0j0urn4r · 15/05/2025 17:57

Why does he want a divorce?

Original poster

TidyUser · 15/05/2025 18:07

S0j0urn4r · 15/05/2025 17:57

Why does he want a divorce?

because our jobs are in 2 different cities and he couldn't settle into the city in which we bought a house. we also had explosive arguments over the last 4 months and partner had showed signs of mental, emotional and financial abuse. i had begged him to get help but nothing worked and when i got frustrated i said i wanted a divorce in anger because he didn't realise how bad things were. then at that point he said he's divorcing me because i'd threatened him with divorce and he moved back to his city and says his life is better without me. it just devastates me because i married for life - not to end up here a year later

OP posts:

80s · 15/05/2025 18:32

Are you thinking you made a mistake by bringing up the idea of divorce? Your reasons for saying you wanted to divorce sound absolutely reasonable to me. Having a child with someone abusive is clearly not a great idea. And tbh, based on my own experience marrying the first man I had a relationship with, that has a lot of disadvantages. Now I'm more experienced, I can see I should have tried out a few different models for comparison before picking one. He might have done you a favour by taking the initiative. If he offers reconciliation, think long and hard before taking him back. Particularly if he frames it as him kindly taking you back and you having to be grateful for it.

No-one marries expecting divorce. All those other people getting divorced had different plans, too. I think that often, the most devastating thing is not losing that specific person so much as losing the future you'd imagined. I imagined that the house we bought would be the house I retired in. It's hard to give up that happy picture. But you can build up a new future for yourself and it gradually replaces the old dream.

It does take time. Give yourself time to recover. You can think about dating when you're ready for it; don't worry about it now. At some point, dating won't mean having to start all over again; it will mean meeting someone new, handsome and exciting, and having butterflies. Wait til then. And ask yourself whether "long-term partner, marriage, children" is definitely the only order you want those things in.

Take the opportunity to work on your social life. Other women are in the same position as you and it can create a connection. You know you can't rely on one single man for support.

Original poster

TidyUser · 15/05/2025 19:00

80s · 15/05/2025 18:32

Are you thinking you made a mistake by bringing up the idea of divorce? Your reasons for saying you wanted to divorce sound absolutely reasonable to me. Having a child with someone abusive is clearly not a great idea. And tbh, based on my own experience marrying the first man I had a relationship with, that has a lot of disadvantages. Now I'm more experienced, I can see I should have tried out a few different models for comparison before picking one. He might have done you a favour by taking the initiative. If he offers reconciliation, think long and hard before taking him back. Particularly if he frames it as him kindly taking you back and you having to be grateful for it.

No-one marries expecting divorce. All those other people getting divorced had different plans, too. I think that often, the most devastating thing is not losing that specific person so much as losing the future you'd imagined. I imagined that the house we bought would be the house I retired in. It's hard to give up that happy picture. But you can build up a new future for yourself and it gradually replaces the old dream.

It does take time. Give yourself time to recover. You can think about dating when you're ready for it; don't worry about it now. At some point, dating won't mean having to start all over again; it will mean meeting someone new, handsome and exciting, and having butterflies. Wait til then. And ask yourself whether "long-term partner, marriage, children" is definitely the only order you want those things in.

Take the opportunity to work on your social life. Other women are in the same position as you and it can create a connection. You know you can't rely on one single man for support.

yes in all our communications he refers to him wanting to divorce as me getting my wish. so that's why im worried that i made a mistake saying that. at the moment he's not offering any reconciliation at all - he doesn't see how he has hurt me at all - all he sees is what i've done to him. and when i question him on why i acted in certain ways he gets stressed and starts getting angry at me again.

so that is why this is difficult because it's my first experience of heartbreak but also the loss of the house, our dreams together, the future i'd imagined for and all the plans i made for us. it hurts beyond belief. do you have any tips for how i can stop replaying the good parts in my mind and start seeing the situation for what it is. for months now he would tell me things were over then reconcile but on this ocassion he ended things via text so im having trouble getting closure and accepting that things are over.

OP posts:

80s · 15/05/2025 19:11

he refers to him wanting to divorce as me getting my wish
He does this out of spite, to make you feel bad.
How about if you own it, and see this as your decision? Divorcing an abusive man sounds like a good idea.

He's been mucking you around for months. You can put a stop to his shit by ending it yourself. It's not a decision that he makes and you have to accept. Make a decision yourself (e.g.: "I wouldn't take him back if he begged me") and you might find closure. You could also look into getting some therapy. Or what other ideas do you have for taking care of yourself?

Think back. Has his behaviour over the last 4 months been entirely out of character?

S0j0urn4r · 15/05/2025 19:11

I think you have good grounds for divorce given the abuse you described. Are you wanting to reconcile?

Original poster

TidyUser · 15/05/2025 20:46

80s · 15/05/2025 19:11

he refers to him wanting to divorce as me getting my wish
He does this out of spite, to make you feel bad.
How about if you own it, and see this as your decision? Divorcing an abusive man sounds like a good idea.

He's been mucking you around for months. You can put a stop to his shit by ending it yourself. It's not a decision that he makes and you have to accept. Make a decision yourself (e.g.: "I wouldn't take him back if he begged me") and you might find closure. You could also look into getting some therapy. Or what other ideas do you have for taking care of yourself?

Think back. Has his behaviour over the last 4 months been entirely out of character?

thank you for this. i guess it's hard for me to reconcile the difficult parts of him because my brain is conditioned to see the good parts. thank you because your message has been eye opening - he tried to leave me in january and you've made me wonder whether he was just trying to sabotage things becuase his behaviour over the last 4 months actually isn't out of character. i think i saw glimpses of it before but it's starting to make sense now. however my brain is still in a crazy fog of only focussing on the good times and i just don't know why

OP posts:

okydokethen · 15/05/2025 21:13

Sounds like in time you will look back and be relieved you got away from him.,

BMW6 · 15/05/2025 21:20

I'm sorry you're experiencing this terrible pain fir the first time - it isn't easier the 3rd, 4th or 5th time either, but what I can promise you is that I KNOW your pain won't last forever.

This time next year your pain will have healed and hopefully you'll feel indifferent about him.

Think of the coming weeks and months as convalescing after a serious illness.
Take one day at a time.
Don't overdo it.

Make yourself eat - even if only a bit of toast or biscuits.
Don't drown your sorrow with alcohol, that will only give you another problem.
Write down everything about him that you DIDN'T like, things he said or did that annoyed/angered you. Whenever you replay a happy memory read the list of negatives.

Pain is the price we pay for living and loving.
In future you'll love again and hopefully someone really worthy of you.

Keep talking on here if it helps - most of us have suffered the grief you are enduring now.

You'll be fine - in time

Catoo · 15/05/2025 21:33

He doesn’t sound great OP. Honestly, it sounds like you may have swerved one.

It’s time to get practical. Speak with a divorce lawyer. Speak with a mortgage advisor- can you take over the mortgage and stay in your home?

Stop thinking it’s your fault because you mentioned divorce first. It doesn’t sound like either of you have been happy. My guess he would have left anyway.

Make plans and keep busy. Visit friends. Take up classes to fill your time. If you want marriage and children, start dating when you are ready. Ask friends to match you up or try some of the better dating sites. But mostly, ask people to invite you to everything and turn up. Join clubs. Volunteer. Meet as many new people as you can. It could be an exciting few years for you.

Even though it feels really shit now, you will be OK

💐