Would you like to join a Boundaries Support Thread?

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I thought it might be useful to have a Boundaries support thread- where we can post our issue, and get some useful advice on how to deal with it.

I know that’s what MN basically is 😂 but I thought having an area dedicated to boundaries might be useful?

I’ve been trying to find resources on boundaries lately, and thought that somewhere we could share these tips would be useful?

Sounds like a great idea x

I was in an abusive relationship where I really struggled with boundaries- I did actually try, but the nature of abuse is that they deliberately overstep your boundaries- so it is very hard to fight against them.

I then used everything in my power to break free, and read about boundaries more. But looking back I didn’t actually enact them. The difficulty for me was that as a single mum in an unfamiliar location- I did actually need connection with others- and I saw boundaries as cutting that off.

the case in point is that I moved into a house situated between 2 other single mums who were best friends. I didn’t have any fences on my garden, so their children would run through my garden and use/break all our stuff.
I also got the most sun, so they’d hold their drink parties there - even when I was out.

When I finally put up a fence 4 years later - they said ‘have you done that to keep us out?’ So I feel I was right in thinking it would have looked rude.

My mum told me to have nothing to do with them, but I was completely alone- so in my mind it was that or nothing.

Now I feel I struggle with boundaries just as much.

from reading up on it there are two elements- one is asking for what you need, and one is saying no- which goes hand in hand with honouring what you need.

The fence issue is interesting to me though- as I have moved house and once again have a completely open garden. If you look at where you live is it completely shielded by hedges and bushes etc, or is it very open?

Great idea OP. It is so difficult to get started putting boundaries in place, enforcing them and dealing with the fallout from those trying to punish you for being firm.

It's terrifying at first, that first time you squeak out no and all hell breaks loose, your legs are shaking, your heart pounding, the CF is starting a guilt trip or interrogating you as to why????????? But then it gets easier, each time you let some CF see you won't tolerate their behaviour, each time you put those boundaries in place and each time you enforce them it gets easier again and you get stronger until it's just second nature.

Good to have a support thread, we can have the backs of anyone just starting out with journey into boundary setting.

The fence issue is something I had to deal with myself. I put a fence and side gates in and the neighbours either side weren't happy. They had been great friends with the previous owner and were used to walking in and out of what was now my garden to cut flowers, use bins, use the washing line, use the garden hose, borrow bits from the shed. They couldn't understand why any of that would change. They tried a few times knocking on the door and asking to use the washing line or use the bins, my reply was 'no, of course not' each time. A few weeks in they stopped even trying. After that, until I moved away, neither spoke to me, I had great peace!

That’s interesting you had to deal with the fence issue as well @Cosmosforbreakfastand sounds like you dealt with it really well.

My immediate neighbour seemed to feel a bit affronted by me when I moved into our new house. She would stroll through my garden to knock on my door, but when I knocked on hers I always went along the pavement then through her gate.

it just felt too rude to wander through her garden.

she very quickly started doing it that way for me too. And in many ways that shows when someone is respectful- they pick up on your cues and don’t keep trampling over your boundaries.

The issue for me now is my wide open garden I feel highlights my lack of boundaries generally. My partner moved in very quickly with his children- and weirdly I just feel that focusing on physical boundaries would also lead to more mental boundaries.

Not that you ever need an excuse but children are a good reason to have a garden fenced and secured, bolt on a gate, the works.