Please help me stop doing this!

[AnnaFromNextdoor]

I have a lovely boyfriend of six months. He’s serious and shy, ND, got divorced and now sharing a house.

His old housemate, a younger woman, is still his friend. She still sometimes pops round to the house for a cup of tea etc. as well as inviting him (and me) to events. He’s always open when he’s seen her, once every few months or so. I’m really certain from his perspective it is totally platonic, but nevertheless I am starting to get that horrible jealousy feeling, where I almost feel I want to ask him about the nature of their relationship (which I already know). I’ve got a suspicious feeling that I know is coming from me, and I know is destructive. How can I stop?

Flip it around. If your old housemate (younger male) kept in touch in the same way how would you feel and how would you expect him to feel?

I’m not sure. I’ve totally lost perspective and can’t remember what’s normal. I wouldn’t really like to feel he wanted to stop me from having a friend over for tea, definitely.

I was hoping someone could identify with this and help me.

It sounds like this is an issue that's caused you problems previously.
You might want to explore the root of this via counselling.
Noone on here can give you the 'magic word' to stop this behaviour and other people's experiences are not the same as your own.

I suppose I wanted someone to say that their friendship doesn’t sound dodgy and that’s fine.

I have a weekly therapist, luckily. I just wondered if anyone had tips to get the ick feeling off me for now.

Ask him to tell you every detail about the relationship and then see if there is something to worry about.

Their friendship doesn't sound dodgy, AT ALL, and it's fine. Don't screw up a good thing by being weird about it (if all else is good!)

I think he has. They lived together for about three months. Then stayed friends, occasionally going out / meeting up for tea. That’s it!

Thank you @YesThatsATurdOnTheRug!!! that’s what I needed.

I can give the other perspective here. I'm male and have been with my other half for 4.5 years now, on our second date I told her I have a very close female friend who I used to work with and we see each other for a meal 4-5 times a year, she has a long term boyfriend too.

All I can say from this perspective is my other half has absolutely no problem with it because I was open and honest very early on and myself and my friend have always just got on without any hint of something between us and we've been friends for 13 years now.

I know some people think a man and woman can't be just friends but they absolutely can, at least you know he sees her and nothing is being hidden

If he and his ex split on amicable terms surely that's better for everyone than if it was horrible and hostile?

If he was meeting up with her in secret then it'd be a problem. If they were seeing each other every week then it could be a problem. But it's not very often, you're not being excluded, and he's telling you about it. It all sounds very mature and respectable.

@GasperyJacquesRoberts she isn’t his ex, she’s just his ex-housemate!

@Baggiesfan that is nice. Yes, he told me about her from the start, even before we got together — he just mentioned their friendship and it sounded normal. As I said he’s ND and doesn’t have lots of friends, so I can see why it feels to me that she’s ‘special’ but equally I can see how my mind is starting to be a prick about it and want to squash that pronto.

Do not ruin this for yourself!

It sounds like a completely normal friendship. Please talk this through with your therapist because kindly, it is you and not him.

Doesn’t sound like you have anything to worry about from what you’ve said, there’s no secret meetings, you’re included/have option to be when they meet, no hushed tones when they chat….. please don’t worry yourself into a corner and ruin what could be a great thing, easier said than done I know, but you’ve really not been given any reason to doubt the situation is anything other than what you already see.

Oh I know it is me. That is why I posted for quick mindhacks to stop it before I see him.

Just sit with the feeling for a bit.

Accept that you’re feeling jealous, but remind yourself he’s done nothing wrong and he’s a lovely boyfriend.

@AnnaFromNextdoor I understand what you're saying and once people get the thoughts it can be difficult to just forget it. I'm sure in time you can and will.
Coincidentally I'm seeing my friend tonight, we'll have a catch up over a Toby Carvery and both go home after.
As others have said don't ruin something good, we see far too many threads about bad relationships on here

And this is helping.

I got burned by my last relationship. He had a female ‘friend’ who was extremely attentive— texting all day on Valentine’s Day etc. Ex told me I was a paranoid maniac, but later revealed they’d slept together just before we started going out.

Ahh so this is where it’s coming from!

New man is not your ex, remember that. Please talk it through with your therapist x

I have. She was helpful. But the bad thoughts were winning again today. I’m seeing him later and dreading impulsively mentioning it. You lot have really helped.

Hello OP, from what you are telling us it does not look like you should be worried. However, I am afraid that you cannot just "get this out of your mind". I know from personal experience that once you start seeing something in a certain way, you cannot simply unsee it.😩Let's just hope that you will get used to it over time and that you will not lose him over this. Hang in there.

Thank you so much to everyone who talked me down, the feeling totally went away. Had a lovely evening with bf. Among other things he voluntarily (without me mentioning it) told me everything about his tea convo with his friend. It sounded very normal and I don’t think she’s got a weird agenda either. He’s a good friend to people. And a really wonderful boyfriend, I feel so lucky, and so mighty that I managed to raise my energy up and away from the doom loop. Thanks so much.

Sounds like just a friend,she includes you aswell