Verbal Abuse

[zoomies1]

Married. Together in total maybe 10 years and we have two small children. My husband has form for ruining anything that isn't about him. Every time I have plans with friends or family, there is some reason he starts a big fight with me.

I need some perspective on what happened last weekend.....

Last weekend, I was going to visit my very elderly aunt who is in a care home and very poorly, then I was heading to my folks for my also very elderly father's birthday. So we get up in the morning and the dog has done a poo on the kitchen floor. He takes her upstairs to give her a bath. Brilliant. Really helpful. Unfortunately, he used conditioner to wash her. She was still in the bath so I didn't say ANYTHING, I just put the baby back in her cot and took literally 5 mins to run some dog shampoo over her and then brought the dog downstairs. I went to put her in the garden and then to go back up to the baby who was grizzling (she is over a year old and she is a very vocal baby anyway).
Before I leave the kitchen, husband starts shouting at me that I have my priorities wrong, the baby is crying etc etc. I can't remember the exact order of events but starts shouting that I am 'so fucking autistic' because I re-did the dog wash (I'm not although I have traits but have never been tested). Then he always without fail starts calling me a 'fucking cunt'. Accuses me of always starting arguments. I LITTERALLY HADN'T SAID A WORD until he started swearing at me at which point I shouted back.

I go upstairs and he comes up to get something. I said I couldn't believe he was doing this again ruining any day I have plans and we don't know how many birthdays my dad has left and he said

'not many I hope'

So I hit him. Not hard but my 3 year old saw. I screamed at him that he was a disgusting person and how dare he say that.

He told me I was out of control and then threw a full pack of bagels at me as hard as he could (three year old did not see this).

I can't speak to him now. I can't even look at him. He has now suggested counselling which he has previously refused to engage with. I am tired of him pushing me into fights then blaming me, of him swearing at me - if I am sad I am a miserable cunt, annoyed, I am an angry cunt. I am a cunt if I use the wrong tone of voice or have the wrong facial expression. And apparently his language is my fault and he calls me this most weekends now.

My question is - I am supposed to be driving him around this weekend for a sports event. Should I say no or say yes because I previously agreed and it is the constructive thing to do. He always just wants me to get over things and move on but I don't know if I can this time....

I have set up some counselling just for myself before we go to couples counselling (if that ever even happens). I don't want to be verbally abused anymore but I don't want to break my family up. I am a good person and I just want to be happy.

Counselling isn’t the answer here- you need to just separate. He is hurting you verbally and you are hurting him physically, time to both move on.

I don't want to break my family up.
Your family is broken. Your child has seen physical and verbal aggression from both of you. It won't get better.

Do not go to counselling with him. He’s abusive and it’s not recommended that you attend counselling with an abuser because a) they will use information gained in counselling against you, b) they will play the victim and try to get the counsellor on their side and essentially use counselling as another way to abuse you and c) it’s a waste of time anyway because they won’t be honest or really engage with the counselling.

You shouldn’t have raised your hands but I do understand that there is such a thing as reactive abuse. You need to take steps to leave this abusive relationship. Speak to women’s aid for advice and support.

Also, read this book. It will help you understand what’s happening.

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

This won’t get better. It will only ever get worse. Is this the environment you want your children to grow up in? Do you want them exposed to this? Get support to leave and do not tell him anything. Keep all abusive texts etc that he sends you as evidence of his abuse.

Do not drive this fecker anywhere. In fact the only place YOU should be driving to is a solicitor to start the ball rolling in divorcing him.

Forget counselling with him, just get shot of him, disrespectful shit that he is. The only driving you need to do is driving him out of the front door forever.

Thanks. I have spoken to someone via BUPA who has referred me for counselling so I can get that moving. The lady was so helpful and gave me the contact details for a good couples counsellor. She was well aware of the issues with this type of counselling and says this guy can see through the BS so maybe that will be worth a go.
Honestly, in my whole life I don't think I have ever raised my voice at anyone in anger let alone sworn at someone. This is just so awful.

@TipsyJoker I have told him before that I will remove myself and the children because of his behaviour. We are setting them up for failure in their own relationships and I won't do that to them.
I actually have that book saved on my laptop and have read it a few times over the year and I still can't work out how to change things.

I wish we could just separate for a bit to get some space but I know that he would never leave.

You are with a narcissist.
They ruin anything that isn't about them.
My father was one.
Every Christmas, celebration, holiday, you name it.
He ruined it.
I refused to have him in my life 30 years ago.
I never regretted it.

Call Womens aid for advice and support to make plans to get away.
This is terrible domestic abuse.
Do it for your child.
NEVER have sex again.
You do not want another baby with him.

How are things now, zoomies1?

I’ve “ruined” Father’s Day (it’s not until tomorrow!)

I did / said something totally unrelated, and it blew up into a nuclear situation. Like you, I reacted. Got upset, as it’s just so head-twisty frustrating. So, I look like the crazy one now.

Now I feel like a bad mother, bad wife. Bad homemaker. Bad person. But I know I’m not… He is the only person who does this to me. I don’t want it for DS. He’ll start on him soon…

He feels so hard done by… And it’s all my fault.
I need to get out of the line of fire. So does DS.

Every birthday, occasion, anniversary, Christmas.

Not the next ones. No counselling here. It’s over, sadly.

@Gowlett I'm so sorry to hear this! How did today go? How are you feeling?

Do you think he is on the same page or do you think it will catch him out? Have you started thinking about how to make your next move?

Its so hard isn't it but please don't let this affect your self esteem. Stay angry (in a constructive way if you can) and use that to make things happen for you.

We wouldn't have had an argument today because today was about him.

We started counselling and he told us that initially we just have to walk away - as soon as there is a raised voice, you walk away and the conversation stops. It has worked in that we have nearly had a few bust ups but they haven't exploded. It all feels very passive and doesn't seem to be addressing the root cause of the issue so I don't know if it will work. My husband needs to go to counselling alone but I genuinely think he thinks everything is okay and it will all blow over.... I still can't relax and I can hear it in the way I talk to him. I am never warm or friendly or fun.

Please come back and talk to me and let me know how you are

zoomies1, he’s said sorry. Once he does that, no matter my response, he thinks everything is back to normal.

He becomes “happy & fun” guy, while I’m walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosive episode…

This time, it’s my reaction that I’m worried about. I had a total meltdown, crying, shaking, hysterical. I feel awful.

I don’t want my child to ever see me like that. I’m scared that I could be painted as the “mad one” in all of this.

Your last paragraph, about the counselling. DH has said to me to just walk away when it starts. Putting the onus on me.

He went to a therapist once, who said that both people are at fault, must work on themselves. I’m not an angry arsehole!

DH always wheels out the difficult childhood thing. It's been so hard to leave because, FIL died recently as well. Three years ago now, but it’s always an excuse for bad behaviour.

zoomies1 I know what you mean by editing yourself. I don’t want to lose my real “self” I’m a nice, friendly, loving person.

I’ve seen what BIL has done to his wife & son (now a teenager). I don’t care about me, I have to get DS out. Otherwise he will have a “difficult childhood”. I can stop that.

Divorce is hell. But the alternative seems worse, to me…

Also, you are triggering him. You are “starting”. You are using the wrong tone of voice. You are answering back. You have an opinion. You “disagree” with him, told him to “shut up”.

I’m familiar with all of the above. Two way conversations aren’t a thing in my house. My child has more emotional intelligence. I understand all of this. I just don’t want it anymore!

Take this opportunity to tell him you and your daughter are leaving. Counselling isn’t what is needed here.

Your relationship is toxic, counselling won’t fix it.

In terms of ruining things you’re doing, I always hear about it afterwards if I’ve socialised with friends, been at work, gone to see my mother, gone to an event. Because he had to mind DS.

Yet he’s free to go to gigs, have pints, go to parties, lads weekends etc… No questions asked. He can also stay in bed until midday, and be unwell for days too. No problem!

I asked for a short nap on Saturday, as I had a headache coming on. That’s what started it. He wanted a lie down, despite being in bed until 12pm. Because “Father’s Day”

I echo what others are saying. It’s taken me a long time to get here, my child is 5 now. DH thinks everything is fine now. But, I can’t cope anymore with the anger, the atmosphere. The vibe.

I’ve spoken to my mother about moving in with them. She wants us to get away from him. I’m not saying anything, but it will be over the summer. We’re married 10 years. It’s so sad…

I do worry about how it will be when he has DS himself (he will end up in a bedsit) but I can only control my part of this. I can’t fix / change / help him. I must be a safe haven for DS.

He’s crazy about his dad, and they have a great laugh. I’d over them to have a carefree relationship. But that’s for DH to sort out himself. He’s the life & soul, with his many friends, of course!

The only sad thing about this situation would be if you couldn't leave.
Your mother supports you.
You are blessed, as is your child.
Start brings stuff to your mothers.
Start clearing out stuff you don't need.
Get copies of all paperwork and leave at your mothers.

This is all positive.
You are done.
Detach emotionally.
Look up grey rock method, medium chill method of dealing with him.

This is 100% better for your child, irrespective of his relationship with his father.

We are here for you.

Thanks, Clownsy. I need to hear this!

@Gowlett how are you doing now? I'm sorry I haven't been back for a while, I didn't see a notification.
I'm so glad to hear that you have support from your mum, that sounds like a great first step and Clownsy has given some good advice.

As you say, you can only control the parts of life that you are responsible for.

Does your husband have family that he could stay with? Its hard when they have such a great relationship. My son absolutely adores his father and would probably rather stay with him (probably because he never sees him that stressed because he never really does anything with both kids and I do all the prep).

The initial advice from the counsellor has helped us but at the moment it is just about avoiding the massive arguments and making space to communicate. I guess the difference between our partners at the moment is that mine will walk away too even if he thinks I am being 'oversensitive'. I still feel guarded and I don't understand why he gets so angry but the second step is being able to raise issues in a constructive way. We tried that yesterday and it was actually a big relief for him to be able to talk to me properly rather than his usual approach.
It will take time though and I think it is something we will have to work on every single day and I know how fragile it is and how short term this could be.....especially if we have any external challenges like job losses or car accidents or something.

Children often cling to the avoidant, shit, unavailable parent.
It is a survival instinct.
It is a trait of children that don't understand what is going on but can sense an avoidant parent.

Abused women often stay in abusive relationships because they mistakenly believe their children are so attached to their abusive fathers.

Please quietly protect yourself.
This is a bad man.
Detaching emotionally will help protect you from him.
He will not change.
He will hollow you out.
By all means hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
Men like your husband destroy the lives around them.