Im a child of a narcissist, emotionally unavailable relationship.

[13MAPARTHELL]

For context.

My mother is a narcissist.

As a child, she never hugged, said I love you, asked how I was, showed any interest, she never connected with me, everything was my fault, she put me down, she brushed me off and equated me to just a child, who tagged along in her life, with very little care or concern, I was urged to not do things as id fail, if I confided, I was hung up on or told I was dramatic etc.

Now, in my 8 year relationship, we have 2 kids and he has a good heart, but he is very flat emotionally, he is an avoidant, he has no genuine, deep relationships and is just very surface level, I have taken much weight from him and placed his issues on my own shoulders, but no matter how he sees me struggling to bare it, concern would never ever cross his mind. Social, relationship effort, would never cross his mind.

The older I get, im now 30.
I am starting to feel a real curiosity in what it actually feels like or means to be loved, for someone to really see you, cheer you on, have genuine interest & valued etc. I do not know what its like to have someone sit and look at you and say ‘I really love you’ or hold my hand, or hug me without me asking for it, or get me a gift without me sending it to them, or saying ‘I want to marry you’ or kissing / hugging and grinning while they watch me give birth or run a marathon etc.

My question is, what is it like? Can you have a happy life without any of these things? Will my boys suffer in not having that male emotional bond that boys absolutely need growing up etc?

I could have written this! Same experience with an emotionally abusive Narc ( and abusive in other ways ) Mother and a Husband who does not openly show affection etc unless asked. Personally for me I am happy. I don't expect that kind of love from my Husband because I just know he's not capable of it but I know he does love me he just shows it in different ways he's not being unkind. I can live with it as I've just stopped having that expectation. Chatting with a therapist really helped me. Focusing on myself and giving myself what I need setting goals thinking about what makes me happy I just don't feel like I need that outside validation anymore but it took a while to get here. If his issues are too much for you to carry it's okay to say you can't carry that it's too much you are his wife not his therapist.

Sorry forgot to add it's okay if you can't live with it and you need something different !

Thank you so much (im not sure why there are so many displaced commas in my post btw 😂)

I really relate to you, majority of the time I feel the same way as yourself, in that you know they love you but you just limit your expectations based on what you know they can give etc.

it comes up every now and then, I struggle to shake it, and then I do and so it continues, I think maybe as a grow older throughout the years things will become clearer.

Love, when raised by a parent like this, is completely warped & I find myself being quite, self deprecating, sarcastic & ‘ballsy’ but I only ever had myself and its my shield so to speak, I dont think at this stage in my life I could even accept actual love the way I find myself wanting it, its hammered into us from early that we are valued very little.

all because some people had children when they simply shouldnt have!