Partner giving me the ick negotiating prices

[Frumpylumps]

As a bit of background, partner is from an African country but has lived in the UK for a long time. We met as poor students and one of the things I always liked about him was his generosity and willingness to help people and give his last 20£ to someone in need.

In the last few years I have noticed that he is getting increasingly tight with his money although our financial situation is far better than it used to be. Partner and his brothers are pooling funds to build a house in their home country for their parents and my partner is the one doing most of the negotiations with the tradesmen.
I often hear him negotiating prices on the phone and hearing him arguing about small amounts is really giving me the ick. Today he has been negotiating with a roofer and negotiating hard to get the roofer to drop his price by 50£. In the grand scheme of things 50£ is neither here or there for us but makes a massive difference in a country where the average monthly income is 300£ and hearing him being so insistent about such an insignificant amount really gave the the ick.

I pulled him up on it after he finished the call and I think he did come to his senses a bit and realise that the discussion had been embarrassing but his pride is definitely going to stop him calling the guy back and accepting the price he is asking for. I have to listen to calls like this every week and it is really starting to change my opinion about my partner. I don't want to leave him over it but I am left asking myself where is the man that I met all those years ago.

Is the negotiating a cultural expectation in his home country?

This is entirely normal, I would remove yourself from the area if he is making these phone calls, I don't think it speaks negatively about him as a person to haggle at all.

Maybe the initial generosity was due to it being early in your relationship and him being out to impress you. And now his true colours are shining through.

Assuming no kids maybe take a break and reassess how you feel.

I don’t think the haggling would bother me but the blatant change from a generous person to a tight person would make me question whether he was lying and faking to impress in the early days and whether we are really compatible. I also would struggle with his pride stopping him from saying ‘hey I was too harsh’. Ability to admit a mistake is a great quality in a partner.

Has he changed in any other ways? Does he lie about anything? Or do things to impress others? Does he struggle being wrong? Or saying sorry?

Id be digging deep into whether our demonstrated values ( not just his words) are compatible.

I don't think it is any more so than it is in the UK. You might try your luck and get a discount as far as I can gather there's no bartering culture as you would see in some places.
He seems to be under the impression that everyone is quoting him inflated prices because he lives in the UK and they think he has money to burn. He hasnt been back to the country for 5 years and is basing his idea of reasonable prices on information that is too old in my opinion. Even if they are inflating their prices for the sale of 50£ I would prefer to just pay it and think of it as a good deed that will benefit someone in need. The guys he is talking to don't have stable employment and just pick up work on building sites when it is available so never know how long the money they make has to last them for.

It’s not just about the actual money though. It’s about not being done over.

I remember my boyfriend not standing for being overcharged by 30p for something in Asia. But the point was it screws up pricing for everyone else.

You could liken it to Russian oligarchs and London property (in a very extreme example!)

He does struggle to say sorry. Had changed since the pandemic and become more selfish and more attached to a screen.
Been together 10 years and have a 5 year old. I also notice that he spend less money on my Christmas and birthday present than he used to as well. I don't think he was put to impress at the beginning because he is not the kind of person to be too bothered about what people think of him.
I genuinely think he has changed.

The financial climate could have also changes his attitude as it has for a lot of people

I think Western people are just not that comfortable with or used to haggling. You have not seen this previously in your partner because you established your relationship in the West, where your partner adapted as per expectations for the culture around him. But perhaps he always knew how to negotiate business that way in his birth country and you hadn’t seen it before.

What you are now seeing may not be a personality change, it would have been something your partner observed in his elders growing up and is simply acting in a normal business transaction way for that country. He and his brother are probably focussed on providing as much as possible for their parents. Also, possibly in that country, if you are considered overly generous with your haggling, there may be a risk of being taken for a ride in terms of workmanship and materials provided.

I would ask your partner further about the nature of business transactions in that country to get a full understanding of what’s happening in terms of perceptions by both parties when they haggle.

There’s a book that’s worth reading individually and then follow the instructions together. Gottmans work is excellent and it is all well researched. Best relationship books out there and it will encourage you to discuss various topics.

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

His other books are worth reading too. Seven principles for making marriage work is worth reading too.

If he refuses to read them that’s another issue. But Gottman will take you back to the early days of your relationship and hopefully you can improve your relationship by discussing your views and concerns and values.

It’s worth a go. They really are great books. You may find you are on different pages or you may find you can solve your issues.Hope all goes well.

I use to live in Nigeria, Libya and Oman and bartering was always standard where we were. I cannot for the life of me do it though as I’m a people pleaser.

I understand where you are coming from OP and I literally cringed inside even as a small child when my mum did it.
However for people who were raised in cultures where haggling is expected and normal, it is just that.
If he is haggling with workers from his home country, I would leave him to it and try not to listen (cause it causes me discomfort).

In certain countries, if he doesn't haggle people may see him as gullible, and it may lead to other problems down the road (like tradesmen not delivering what was agreed).

Not for me. But, his actions are entirely in keeping with so much of the non-western world, where everything is contractual.

He was maybe ‘generous’ with you because you were a prize he valued. He doesn’t care about the at-home workers. They must negotiate their own deal.

That is your opinion but its a rather privileged take. He has to negotiate the price somehow. Its not a fixed price in the first place and he may well be paying an invisible tax based on living in the UK. In addition the COL difference means that the money goes farther so the family may want to do more with it. 50 pounds is a lot of money there. Who are you to give it away?

Exactly. In any event, he knows his own culture.

My exH was from a different culture than me and it was infuriating how he didn't listen when I said how things were done. It was pure arrogance.

He knowns his culture and you do not.

If he gets ripped off or over pays it will set an expectation for his parents, especially if they have sons abroad. They may suffer negatively because of perceived wealth.

If the tradesperson doing the work was offended they would have hung up.

Let him crack on and you're being very very privileged with your lack of awareness.