Am I being taken advantage of?

[LucyL93]

Hi, so I’m in my early 30s new to dating women. I very recently decided to try dating women, switched my preferences on the apps. I have been seeing one of the first women I matched with for a few weeks now. I am totally new to dating women, kind of green and naive anyway tbh. Very little relationship experience but have had a lot of 1-3 dates with people.
this women is in her mid 40s, a very experienced seasoned lesbian, has slept with over 100 woman I would think. She often dates younger too and that is her preference. I have noticed my alcohol intake has gone up a lot since we met. We generally drink on dates and she does take drugs sometimes.
im wondering if there is a likelihood I am being taken advantage of and maybe there is something I’m missing? This is all so new to me and I don’t have any lesbian friends so I don’t really know what is normal. We are heading for a relationship I believe and I have met some of her friends, but this has suddenly occurred to me.
I like her a lot but I am having a bit of a freak out/identity crisis

She sounds awful regardless of her sexuality. A woman off her head on drink and drugs in her mid 40s is not a good bet for a long term healthy relationship

I wouldnt say thats what I thought was normal regardless of sexuality. If the slept with over 100 wasn't enough of a put off, the drugs in her mid 40s, regularly too would be. Paints a picture of a chavvy tiktok influencer with a quiff, 60 pairs of trainers type reliving their missed youth as a teenage boy. Not sure why you feel taken advantage of though, the age gap isn't that off, is she letting you foot the bill for drinks? Don't drink with her for the next meets and see if she still seems appealing x

I think you need to take a pause and work out what it is you want in a partner. For me, the drugs would be a no go and I'm also not interested in someone who drinks a lot. The fact that you are already changing ie drinking more is also a worry. Is that how you want to live your life?

More relationship experience would not bother me.

What about her personality traits? Do you have things in common? Do you feel like she is genuinely into you as a person? what are your dealbreakers?

In your shoes, I would keep looking. You don't sound like a match. You might be ok just as friends. Liking someone is not enough to enter a relationship with them. You need similar values plus they need to treat you well

I wouldn’t say you’re being taken advantage of, but this woman clearly likes drinking / drugs and if that’s not for you, move on.

I'd say the same thing regardless if male/female
🚩🚩🚩

How do you think you're being taken advantage of?
She sounds incompatible with you however and maybe you're getting swept along with the excitement of your first lesbian relationship without stopping to think if it's truly right for you?

I don’t think you are being taken advantage of but you are allowing yourself to be influenced in a negative way by drinking more. She is not a good match for you.

if you have kids… would you encourage them to had out with this person?

In what way do you think she is taking advantage of you?

No she isn't taking advantage of you. She is who she is though, and not unreasonable for you to not want to spend time and develop a relationship her. Would say the same if this was a man or a woman.

If you were still dating men, would you be thinking "oh bit of a player, prefers younger, inexperienced women, hard drinker, party guy, drug-user, wow! Just what i want" <swoon> ?

Just cos she's interested and your first, doesn't mean she's good for you or compatible.

Next!

I can assure you that not every lesbian behaves like this. If she doesn’t feel right for you and what you’d like in a long term healthy relationship then best to move on and find a partner with traits that you appreciate and make you feel secure and happy.

Her sexuality isn't important. Is she really the sort of friend you'd want? Are you paying for everything?

Eurgh. Drugs is a deal breaker for me for starters. Dump and move on.

It doesn’t sound like a good relationship and while you might be new to dating women your instincts have clearly been triggered so listen to them

Your alcohol intake is yours to manage, you're an autonomous adult
Doesn't sound to me like she's taking advantage

This isn’t a lesbian thing. This is a “do you want to be with someone older who takes drugs and drinks heavily?” thing.
If it would have been a NO from a man then most likely it should be a no to a woman.

Bi F, 40 something here.

You are not compatible.

If you were dating a man in this situation would you be even asking this question. Take care OP. x 🌈

Sometimes we can look at success in relationships as making something work when it isn’t right. I blame the rise of dating shows where you compete to “win” a date.

Winning at dating is finding the right person, not the wrong person wanting another date with you.