Hello! I’m on here for some advice on how to deal with and/or understand the relationship I have with my current partner. Here is a little bit about us: we have been in a relationship for 3 years, we do not live together, both in our early 30s and he has autism (have to say this as it does impact the relationship).
I do not drive but he does. I have my own apartment. He lives with his mom to save money, he rents out two apartments and works full time. I work full time too, I enjoy my job but he hates his job. Because he hates his job I’ve found him to be depressed and I tell him he needs to find another but because of his autism he doesn’t like change. We both live 40 minutes drive from one another, he comes to me as this is easier as I work from my home. I’ve not seen him in 3 weeks due to him wanting to save money on fuel. I understand it is a lot of money, I think it’s around 45 he spends on fuel every time he sees me. I offer to pay half which he declines but I pay for everything in the relationship, days out, trips away, dinner out, food and I do the cooking if eating in.
He says at times I don’t put much effort in to the relationship and he gets bored when he’s at mine. I can’t afford to do things every weekend and whatever I choose to do he’s never overly happy with. I’m a little sick of watching what I have to say to him incase he gets in a bad mood. I asked a question yesterday and he snapped saying I should stop playing the victim, but I don’t think I am. I just sometimes feel insecure in the relationship as he doesn’t give me much to go on and he constantly complains that nobody does anything for him or helps him when I know I do do things for him and that hurts when he says that.
I snore loudly and understand that this is irritating and makes him sleep deprived when he stays with me. I am currently seeking help at a sleep clinic and I have tried lots of different devices to help/stop it. I also sleep on the sofa when he stays to give him peace as he wakens me up when I start to snore. I don’t snore on purpose but he acts like I do this to annoy him.
Our sex life is non existent as he makes little remarks about my body. When we were out at a shop there was a soft toy in the shape of a pig, he “jokingly” said “look it’s you” to me. I was not amused and said that was rude and nasty. He said I was boring for not finding it funny. I’m not a skinny girl but I’m not fat, I’ve put on a little extra weight recently due to stress at work but I’m working on it for me. So, the lack of sex is due to me not feeling comfortable being naked or sexy underwear in front of him because he may say something that will hurt me. I get changed in the bathroom if he is in the room which I’ve never done with another previous partner. I also want to point out I was subjected to sexual abuse in the past which occasionally affects me still but I have worked on this and had psychological help in dealing with this. My partner knows this too and he has been considerate with how he approached things at the beginning of our relationship which I appreciated.
The questions that are going around my head are: is he even happy with me? If not, why does he not end it? Is he worried he will be “lonely”? Is he using me to feel less lonely? Does he even find me attractive? If I’m boring, why not leave?
Am I happy? Will this get any better? Will I have to put all the effort in from now on?
I understand that so much of what he does is his autism and he can’t help who he is and there are qualities I love about him but I just don’t feel loved by him anymore like I feel emotionally and physically neglected by him. I do all the affection as he likes that but I don’t get much back. I will ask for affection and tell him what I want him to do ie a cuddle, kiss and that is great for a day or two and it goes back to no touching or any words of affirmation from him which is the two things I need in a relationship is loving words and physical affection. I also do need sex in a relationship but I get worried he hates my body as he has poked and pulled at my tummy before. He says I have arms like sausages, legs like tree trunks, tells me I have a moon face, chubby cheeks, no eyelashes (I do they are just very straight) the thing is…. I look after myself, I eat healthy, exercise and my job is physical, I wear makeup, get my hair done. I take good pride in my appearance and often get compliments on my looks and how I dress. He is not a supermodel but I’ve never pointed out his flaws to him because it’s not nice and it doesn’t bother me. When we first started dating he was a little bigger now he goes to the gym and shames me for not. I’ve been a gym girl in the past and hated it so I don’t do it as I want to exercise how I enjoy like dancing and going on big walks. I not once was bothered by his weight, but I knew he was so I’d tell him I loved his body because I did as I loved him for him, he doesn’t see me that way……does he?
Long post but just wanted to get things of my chest and get an outsiders view on things. I am aware you will all say “dump him” but I do want to try and work on it but I’d like some advice on how anyone copes with being in a relationship with an autistic person as it has its challenges.
Thanks for reading :)