Don't know how to change this relationship for the better

[TiredOfThis]

Don't want to identify myself too much so might be a bit vague

DH and I have been together 20 years. Been through some amazingly good and amazingly bad times. After 10 years trying to have a child we adopted a little girl 5 years ago. (No abnormally bad behaviour problems, at least not on her part!)

Both working, me part-time. I have a couple of ongoing health problems which lead to daily exhuastion. Have had a cancer scare also in last year, still being monitored. I am getting grief for my sickess absences at work, my job is seriously in the balance.

We've had sex once in 3 years. DH in separate bed due to snoring. DH never initiates physical contact anymore, not even cuddle on sofa like used to, rarely shows any affection, only when asked/told!

He has a very stressful job. He is forgetful, always asking me where to find things, how to do this, how to do that, he can't understand that I am tired and want him to take over, I am responsible for everything and for initiating and organizing everything. He will do anything I ask but I am tired of being the one who has to remember everything. I am often in a bad mood. He is extremely patient with DD but he can afford to be. While DH and DD have lots of fun I am the one nagging her to get to bed on time, to get dressed in morning so she won't be late for school - he doesn't seem to have a clue. DH never refers to my health problems, never offers help off his own back unless I am on my knees, rarely asks about how hospital appointments went (I KNOW I KNOW this seems to be so common). Tbh my illness feels like an irritant to him, I have been accused of 'going on' about it - I most definitely do not go on about it, it was a good few years before I sought medical help

He is quite negative about any ideas I have to improve things, I even thought about giving up work he told me 'You'll never work again'

We don't go out much. my mum is ill, no other family/nobody else around who seems keen. I have suggested Sitters but he's not keen to pay so much.

Don't know what to do, am banging my head against a brick wall. If I try to broach our problems - even if I do it consciously in a non nagging way - he always finds a way not to discuss it - wrong time of day, discuss it tomorrow etc.

We constantly argue, sometimes in front of DD - this kills me but we don't (I don't ) seem to be able to stop. Us splitting up would most probably damage our daughter for life. She loves both of us very very much.

Am so tired, want all this to stop.

Could you write him a letter and insist he reads it if he finds it hard to sit down and have a heart to heart? Pour your absoloute soul out, and if after that, he is still untouched or unchanged - well then my dear I think you have your answer

You splitting up wouldn't damage your daughter. A mum and dad who constantly argue in front of her is more damaging in the long run... something for you to think about.

Sending a bucket load of strength your way xxxxx

I would speak to him about one thing at a time and start with a small thing. EG sharing a bed. Although to me it would be pivotal. My dh snores a bit sometimes (and he says I do too! Surely not!!) and I just turn him on his side and make sure the pillow is adjusted under his head. Would it be worth trying again to start the night sharing a bed, even if one of you gives up and goes into another bed after a while? It might lead to a non threatening resumption of physical contact without either of you having to talk about it.

Re working: he may have a point there. Keep your toe in the door, that's what I say, and only give up that job if you have another one to go to. Maybe drop your hours, if that's possible.

We are part of a babysitting circle and I recommend that - whether it's done formally or not. Offer to babysit for others and sooner or later they will do it for you. With an only child, it must be in your interests to have other children round at your house - babysitting isn't only at other people's houses in the evenings.

Shewillbeloved, as DD is adopted and may have issues I do worry about splitting up but you're right about constant arguing.

Have tried to solve snoring problem for years Elasticwoman, it just gets worse, we've tried everything

Has he been to the GP about the snoring? My dh suffers from sleep apnoea, it's a treatable condition. If you've tried everything else I really would go to the GP.

You need to ask one question- have you really tried EVERYTHING to get your marriage back on track?

Counselling- either alone or together? Talking to him- not nagging, but talking? Sometimes we all nag and it's just water off a duck's back- they shut their ears. Have you allocated time to having a real talk about your future?

Do you love him and does he love you? Do you feel he is capable of changing at all?

Does he see that his stressful job leaves him no time/energy for you are your DD? Is this something he should consider changing? Is he willing to try?

What I see is someone- you- doing all the work in this marriage- and him being passive- or passive/aggressive as counsellors would say!

How about setting out exactly what you want to change, and giving yourselves a time limit of say 6 months? But you need to talk , not nag.

I'm sorry about your health issues- I have some of that too, and it's horrible. You sound as if you are at full stretch.

If nothing changes, then you have to ask if you should put you or your child first- in other words could you stay married til she was 18 then split up? I know there will be LOTS of posts that say kids survive divorce- well, they do, sure. But no-one can deny that 2 parents are better than one, most of the time. I chose to stay in my marriage that wasn't happy and still doesn't give me all i want, until my kids were older- both at really good unis now and doing well. I don't know if that would have been the outcome if we had split. I was not desperately unhappy, but felt I had married the wrong man, in desperation really. TBH.

Anyway, enough of me.

Decide what YOU want. Good luck.

tribpot, yes he had an operation several years ago which improved things but gradually it went back to the same as before. I would pay a small fortune for a snoring cure.

pixiepip, we haven't tried counselling -DH is so pesimistic about everything, he sees counselling as the end of the marriage - but I might try it myself.

I love him and I believe he loves me. What is keeping me going at the moment is the memory of some of the most wonderful times we have had together but I can't go on living in the past forever.

You are right-you cannot live on memories. But if you have had good times- what was good then? What KIND of stuff are you looking back on? What has changed? How can you get it back? what do you both need to do?

Your H sounds incredibly negative. Don't take what he says at face value-many men shy away from counselling 'cos they are blokes and don't like talking- so they make up all kinds of reasons as to why it won't work/be right. It's nonsense to say counselling is the end of a marriage- it is there to save marriages and ok, sometimes people do split, but if he loves you he would try it. tell him that.

We can't do what we used to do mainly because I am unwell and don't have any energy. I think Dh thinks if I was well our marriage would be better. In a way he's right but all marriages have bad times and we will probably have more difficult health times as we get older -it's how you deal with them that count or rather it's how he deals with them. He has never supported me when I have problems, I always have to deal with the problem alone. When it's work problems he's Ok but anything to do with health or emotional things (e.g bereavement) he's is not there for me, he just ignores the problem as much as he can.

pixie, thanks it helps to focus on what's bothering me.

Can you say what the health issue is or do you want to keep it private?

Can't say as I don't want to be recognised - actually there are a few, am under investigation (not fatal illnesses, touch wood) but the main effect is I am very exhausted.

Really sorry- maybe ME or something? Perhaps you could do things that you CAN cope with? even if it's just getting a DVD to watch, or having a nice meal at home etc - a bit special?

I know where you are coming from- I have had years of an illness too that makes it hard for me to do certain things.

I'm a great believer in 'let it begin with me'. If you want things to change, you can lead the way through your thoughts and actions. I know he is peeing you off, and I do understand that you are knackered on a daily basis ... but... what small thing can you do that will let him know that you care about him and have thought about him today?

I know you are going to think "why should it begin with me?" And I completely agree. Why should you do yet more work? Because we tend to love people who love us. Small things daily will let him know you love him, even if you don't have the strength to do big things. Hopefully this will leads to a softening of heart and reciprocity on his part.

Hope I don't sound patronising. Wishing you strength and luck.