Thunderonlyhappenswhenitsraining1 ·
14/05/2025 02:30
I have been in a relationship for 14 years with this man , we have 2 DC 9 and 8. We met in the city I am from in the north and moved down to the rural village he is from 11 years ago. We married 18 months ago . I’ve lost both my parents in the timeframe of our relationship and despite the fact I have a full time career down here , I have no real deep friendships down here , although I have had lots of nice people checking in as they hear the news .my life has been our family - I loved our life and I thought it was a happy one , nothing to the contrary to suggest otherwise. We had an intimate relationship and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
Around 6 weeks ago he suddenly became low in mood , I asked about it and he was just feeling low, it wasn’t about us - he was still in love with me . He won’t get help or talk to anyone. I try and give him space whilst checking in and he becomes more distant , rude to me at times and dismissive , stops responding to hugs , suddenly stops kissing me and stops sex. I call him out (not arguing but speaking) saying I understand he is going through something but he needs to respectful in how he communicates with me. I have to have this conversation several times, on occasion it seems to get better but slips again. Easter Sunday , the tone changes significantly and he says it might be me that’s the issue but I’m not doing anything wrong and then I get nothing but silent treatment and I notice his phone is constantly prised to his hand , that used to be left around freely and I’m not allowed near it. He starts going out , playing squash with a friend and often having drinks after and not coming how until the early hours , way after closing time as we are a small village- he says he’s been in his best friends garden drinking everytime. This best friend is notorious for not being a late drinker and always bailing early.
As my suspicions grow , I go through his office whilst he is out. I found adhd meds bought illegally and the date stamp on postage envelope coincided with the change of mood. I’m not shocked as much by the drugs , he has previously taken recreates but i am surprised by the secret - that has never been a thing. I discuss with his mum who I am close to , she is shocked and I think confronting him will make him retreat further.we keep an eye on him and ensure clear plan round DC. As she does lots of their care anyway whilst we both work.
He doesn’t seem to be getting better and I monitor the drugs he has , I video it in case I ever need the evidence . He seems to be taking them , become more withdrawn and sleeping more . More drugs appear - now not just ADHD meds but also Valium and Viagra. He goes out running and I find a part viagra pill in his jeans pocket as I’m doing a wash and also what looks like empty drug baggies. I decide enough is enough and confront him when he comes back from his run . He says he’s takes the adhd meds to hyper focus at work, and the others are all part of bio-hacking like Bryan Johnson , this is what everyone in Silicon Valley is doing etc. he denies cheating and when I ask would he allow me to look through his phone because he’s become secretive he says no and I should trust him. I acknowledge I should be able to but his recent behaviour makes him untrustworthy, secretive drug use that is not only potentially dangerous, defo illegal and being kept secret is not the markers of someone to trust . I also have niggly feelings about one woman whose social media posts he likes when he likes nothing of ours, doesn’t accept joint post tags anymore from our sons birthday party etc
He says he may leave , I say if that’s what his choice is he should do it and not drag it out, he can’t expect to keep treating me the way he is for the past few weeks and having me do all the practical sides of running a home and parenting with him whilst constantly being disrespected . I ask him to stop being rude to me and he tells me he doesn’t want to whilst also acknowledging I have been supportive , I haven’t done anything wrong and he just doesn’t know why he feels the way he feels and why he is being rude to me. The next morning , he says he is going and I think all my suppressed emotions of trying to talk , get him to open up and create a safe space , just get the better. I fling his stuff into suitcases and push them out of the room. He accuses I have thrown a suitcase at his head however I am not superwoman, I cannot throw a filled suitcase the length of a house from where I was stood in our bedroom to him in his office.
This was yesterday morning. Myself and the kids are devastated, I get some free family law advice whilst they are at school and I am advised that given what I know about the drugs to ensure supervised contact with DC , and if I didn’t it could impact my career. I ring him and tell him this - he says I am biter and stopping him seeing his kids, I explain he is staying at his mums, it will be normal for her to be present in her own home when they visit to see him anyway. He thinks I’m being bitter and keeps saying I am stopping him seeing his kids and why would I seek legal advice. I explain I wanted to protect myself and the kids, ensure all was above board, I was not instructing a solicitor and didn’t want to go down court route , but I am being open with him about this .
My friend / His other best friends wife come to see me later . She tells me that she suspects that he has been lying to me and messaging the woman I had a niggly feeling about (I hadn’t told her about this feeling). That he had been out alone and seen her and a friend and that friend had seen over his shoulder big long Facebook messages to said woman. He left the bar at 10.20 but he had arrived home at gone 1am , saying he had once again gone to other friends garden to me at the time. I ring him and he denies it all to me , but admits to some messaging but not cheating and no long messages . I message her and she ignores me. My friend knows this woman so drives me to her home . I bang on her door , she denies any messaging saying they just sometimes say hi socially. He rings me and tells me to leave her alone - she had rang him before answering the door. Not of it makes sense , my blood is boiling - I do shout and call her names -homewrecker etc as she says she know he is married , we have been together forever and my kids go to school with her kid.I do say I will tell everyone what she has done and that will ruin her business when people know what kind of woman she is. She refuses to show me any messages on her phone to evidence the innocence of the off message she says she has with him.
we go back home , OW keeps messaging me pleading her innocence , says she would never do that, she’s had bad MH and been cheated on , she wouldn’t do it with a married man out of the playground etc. I do say she keeps tripping herself up between her and him , I keep getting bits of info . They both send heavily deleted screenshots , I know edited as there is no phone call listed that she says she made via Facebook messenger when she rang him , before he rang me.
then to today I go to see him , he is seeing the kids later and I want us to have a joint approach to the questions they have. He tells me I am evil, aggressive , I was threatening to this woman , he could never be back with me because of my behaviour last night. I acknowledge that I was angry but I was not aggressive or threatening, I was stood back from the door, I made no threat of violence . Yes I called her names and my voice was raised. He shows me his Facebook messenger - heavily deleted , says he deleted messages previously as knew I would see more in them than there was. He denies cheating on me. I say regardless every messages with a woman is a line crossed and breach of trust . I want to communicate with him and tell him that I think we should go see a GP together for medical advice about what he has been taking and what the risks are , because a medial opinion could help contact with kids move forward from unsupervised , I acknowledge he has a good relationship with the children , I know he doesn’t pose a direct risk but there is a risk of what he is taking and purchasing illegally , and there has been medical oversight.he’s not happy with the suggestion but recognises it as a way to move forward . I am trying to show him , I’m not creating barriers but I am going to be protective to myself and the children but I am nit trying to to punish him for his behaviour with the children. He won’t work with me however on planning what we will talk about with the children later , he repeats the same mantra he’s just unhappy- however I explain both me and the kids need more than that when he has blown our world up. I leave and say I will contact him later to see what he has thought of before we meet . I ring him later - he’s still got nothing and ends up talking privately to then at the park which is not what we agreed , as I don’t want them getting mixed messages from us . He allows me to see his phone list and I see the calls between him and OW from the night previous, and I ask how she has his number. I then question why there is a picture next to her number of her in bikini , he says its the same as her social media pictures (yes she is clearly that desperate profile bikini pics). I ask to look at his photos as surely he has assigned that photo to his phone list. He gets uptight, snatches the phone , won’t let me look , says I should trust him- I am crazy , I am a pyscho , I have threatens this OW ( I don’t agree , I also actually apologised for coming to her house as whilst I don’t believe her , that’s not who I am normally in my behaviour) and that has now been turned that I threatened her . I asked why he is so concerned for this woman, he keeps calling me crazy an a psycho and says he will never be with me again . He leaves before son finishes football practice and doesn’t say bye to him.
im not sure if full cheating has happened but there is clearly some intent with this woman, there is the secret drug use and the entire personality transplant from the man I thought was a loving husband and devoted father. I am beyond devastated, I love our family and can’t see where this will go , I would want to be able to salvage it if he did work on himself before coming home but I am also acutely aware he doesn’t deserve that either.
the lack of any remorse , or apology. The manipulation to try and make the issue now he’s been caught , that his issues with my reactions not his behaviour (I acknowledge both can be the issue) are being spun to create a narrative which is so akin to the script of a cheater , and I think he’s having some sort of midlife crisis before he turns 40 this year. I can’t believe my life has turned into an episode of eastenders , and I have 2 devastated children , he does not acknowledge the impact on! I can’t sleep or eat , I am just devastated..