Lack of support

[Disco1234]

Me ('F36') and my fiancee ('M45') have been together for the last 8 years. Currently I make over 200 k per year and he makes around 100 k. We have 2 kids ( 2 and 6 years old).
When he moved in, which happened fairly quickly, we made agreement that he would give me 400 dollars per month and cover "any emergencies". Back then he was making around 80 k per year and I was making around 90 k. I was ok with that, just wanted piece of mind since I had a lot on my shoulders always since I was 16 years old.
After few months of us living together, I noticed that anytime emergencies came up, it was always " you need to set up a budget and stick with it, you had this mortgage before we got together so it is your obligation to pay it whether I am here or not; and basically if I back you up what would be the guarantees that you would not kick me out". Over years of been together, the amount that he is giving me increased to 1500 dollars per month and I pay for all bills including groceries, daycare expenses, school expenses, clothes etc....
I do love vacations and i always told him that traveling is important to me, but anytime I book one, once we are there it always goes to "I don't care whether we go or not....so ultimately I am here because I am made to be here". I always try to get him nice things if he wants smth but anytime I want smth nice, and if he gets it for me, he would keep bringing it up.
He is a truck driver and our schedule is hectic, I work 2 jobs and also frequently hear that "i work too much".
I do have quite a bit of debt but we are nowhere close to a bankruptcy.
Right now my car broke down and when I asked him to help, his statement was "well I can't afford to help you with and you want me to do everything". Although he said before that he ll maintain great credit score so if I need help we ll finance whatever....
TLDR: I try to carry everything on me financially (f 36), my partner (m, 45) promises to be there if I need it. But anytime I need it, he always makes it look like i am a gold digger.
I know i sound materialistic but i feel like i kind of have to be to live. Hope all this makes sense.
Am i demanding too much?

Of course he's making out that you're unreasonable, he doesn't want to pay for anything.

Sit down and work out every single thing you need to buy:

Utilities
Clothes
Food
Mortgage
Maintenance
Travel
Events
Entertainment
Car payments
Insurance
Savings
Etc

Calculate how much you both owe in proportion to your wages. He earns less, so will pay less.

Arrange an account where this amount of money comes from you both and into the account directly.

If he doesn't agree to this then he is scrounging off you and you need to ask him to leave.

Anytime we tried doing this he basically would say that he does not care about travel so it should not be on the list or that no way we spend that much in food etc...but thank you

What advice are you looking for?

This is a good advise. I am not sure what I am looking for to be honest.

I'm not really sure what to suggest. You say that he hasn't agreed to attempts to dividing bills so he wants to continue for you to carry him.

If you do the majority of childcare and housework, he has a good life. He pays the bare minimum, has a clean house, food cooked, shopping done, children looked after etc

What's in it for you?

I grew up with my dad not been present most of the time and when he was, there were a lot of bad times. I always wanted for kids to grow up with biological father....I feel like me making him leave, will cause me to carry lots of guilt for breaking up the family.

Unfortunately he's not on the same page and he seems to be using you. I'm assuming he knows about your deep reluctance to separate which is why he's so disrespectful.

You aren't responsible for splitting up the family but you are responsible for setting an example to your children on relationships. Your relationship is their blueprint for their relationships and you don't want them to end up with someone like him.

I suggest you separate, endeavour to co parent well and get some therapy to help you work through your feelings.

You seem to be at a crossroad in your head. So, start at the beginning.

Figure out everything that you do and everything that he does. Figure out what you do well and what you think you struggle with (and look at the results of your struggle, too. It may be you are just fine on that point).

Once you have a clear picture of what is, then you can determine what you want as a whole and where DP fits into the picture, if he does at all. Then have a look at what life might be like if you’re separated.

Only after that, would I suggest talking to DP. You will get further with blokes when you have clarity in your discussion rather than just having a witter. What do you want, what do you want from him?

I want him to be there. I do not want first words to come out of his mouth to be "I can't afford that right now". I want him to say" we ll figure it out". If he cannot be present financially, I want him to at least sometimes say " everything will be ok" or " you are sad or frustrated today, let's go to the park etc". We are both very busy and kids take priority and majority of the time its just feels like I am this wall supporter that nobody knows is there but it is still very hard for me to hold.

If it's like this now I wouldn't marry him. You're just not on the same page.

This is a good post! Very on point.

I think you need to push back harder on this.

Negotiate.
Say, ok, I'll take travel off the list, we each pay for our own cars or bus fares, but all the regular bills related to the household stay on there.

Say, okay, the food might not be that much. How much do you think we should both pay in for the food? Lets start with that, but if the joint account gets low before the month end we both have to put in more to top it up.

Basically, you don't give up and let him off the hook. If you share a household and children, you need a joint account for transparency and fairness.
All household costs, family toiletries, and all children's costs, should be paid out of the joint account.

Things like your cars (if you have one each), phones, and other personal spending comes out of your personal accounts.

You might need bigger discussions around the mortgage - is the mortgage and house deeds both in joint names? If so, you pay in equally (or proportional to income if that is what you agree). If one of you owns the house and the other doesn't, that person is solely responsible for the house and all major repairs to it.

You can't marry someone who is not responsible financially - it will destroy you, and then destroy your children's lives.
Better to live separately and co-parent in a mature way than put up with a freeloader who is using you.

Why do you have 'quite a bit of debt' when you earn 300k a year between you?

Girl, you should be livid, full on, face-melting, fire sprouting rage. You are nowhere near being angry enough.

#1 He is responsible for SUPPORTING HIS CHILDREN at 50%. This includes housing, feeding, clothing, medical, transportation, activities, and anything else for them including childcare, additional sitters and pets. Additional money at the same rate for special events and medical occurrences, education costs etcetera.

#2 You pay for more than your fair share which makes him the gold digger. And WOW, is he ever! He is stealing from his own children to whom he has an absolute duty. What a scumbag.

#3 1500 per month is only 750 per child, 18% of his TOTAL income for the support of his children PLUS his rent and other costs! Absurdly low. He is a leech.

#4 The children are 50% of the household, so you are each responsible for 25%, the remaining household costs of 50% are split based on relative incomes, 1/3 husband, 2/3 to you; 17% to 33%. Total burdens 25% + 17% for him = 42% of his income. Yours is 25% + 33% = 58%. He does NOT get to shift his financial responsibilities for his children onto you.

#5 At 100k that is 42k per year to your daughters, or 3500 per month. He is $2000 shy every single month!! 100k is 8333k per month, less 1500, is 6833; what is he doing with the rest of the money every month that should be going to support his children? His money should be 8333 per month less 3500, leaving 4833 per month to him from which he will pay his 17% for his part of the household living costs.

Your burden is 58% for support. Your tax burden splits at the same rate, and, of course, the calculations should be after taxes.

#6 He MUST pay to repair the car as his children are being transported in it and he has a responsibility to make sure they are safe. He is a terrible father.

#7 He owes you back child support.

#8 None of the previous agreements make any sense at all and are not worth revisiting as neither one of you included the full costs of the children and divided those costs appropriately.

He is shirking his duties to his children and you are letting him. Grow a spine. Your children deserve every penny.

Have a joint account and both transfer a percentage of your salaries each month eg 50%

As the higher earned you will be contributing more but that doesn’t mean he should contribute nothing.

What on earth is he spending his money on that he doesn't want to contribute to family travel or extras.
I have a friend who was in similar situation. For 10 years her partner lived with/off her. He would buy the food but that was it, he dictated the standard of food they eat, cheap as possible. He considered the mortgage, utilities and housework her responsibility as her house. He left her after 10 years having saved enough money to buy his own place outright and a new motorbike. So I am biased about freeloaders.
This man is sponging off you and doesn't seem to see you or his kids as his long term plan or responsibility. Another poster has done the maths for you, he is squirreling away 2k a month at your expense. Does he have debt or just you?

300k a year between you and you can't decide how to work out the bills, I'd say call it a day. I would say he does have a point paying $1500 pm and he could be kicked out anytime.

He's insecure and he misses you... Men go through horrible menopause too (testosterone decline) after their 40s. Expectations for modern women are unrealistic (perfect nails, firm skin forever, multi tasker, a whore with hubby, a chef in the kitchen, high earner, etc.) and if you don't take a break every evening with him for 20 mins at least, this lifestyle could break your relationship. Try to be genuinely vulnerable with him and communicate clearly, brutally honestly and calmly you needs, don't neglect his either. You're doing well, I hope you pay the debts soon and spend lots of time together. All will get better, as long you stick together.

Don't spend any more time fretting about this man. He sounds an absolute misery. Can't see any advantages of being with him.

@FattyMallow
Hmmmm, okay. So everything is the op's fault/problem??

This 100%.

Cocklodger who’s taking the absolute piss. Bin 🗑️

Take travel off his list and then go away without him.

Work out a budget.